save marriage podcast

“Is This MY Fault??”

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg November 17, 2021 November 16, 2021

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 17, 2021

Maybe your spouse has been saying, “This is ALL YOUR FAULT!” Or maybe it is just you… wondering… torturing yourself… about whether this marriage crisis is your fault. Are you the problem?

Let me reassure you that you are not the first person to wonder that. People search about that on my blog. People write me to ask that same question. Many people start our coaching sessions with the same question.

So, what is the truth? Are you the problem? Did you cause the problem? Does that even help the problem?

Many times, people like to look at one single point-in-time… frequently, a point that leaves them as NOT at fault. They look for a time when they can accuse someone else, blame someone else, for the situation.

And rarely is that accurate, or even fair.

Still, we all like to point the blame elsewhere.

Let’s talk about this from a couple of perspectives. One is kind of a higher level perspective, to question the concept of blame. The other is a much more practical “what do I do?” perspective. Both get us to a better place than simply asking, “Am I the problem? Am I to blame for our marriage crisis?”

Listen below as I tackle the question: “Am I the Problem?”

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Why Forgive?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 10, 2021

People hear me talk about forgiving (I wrote a book on it). Then they ask, “why should I have to forgive?” Ironically, my point was that forgiving frees the forgiver.

I tackle forgiveness in-depth for this week’s podcast. In fact, I give you a 6 step process of how to forgive. But of course, this is only helpful if you think you want to forgive. I start the podcast by clarifying what I mean by forgiveness, and why I think it is so important. (Hint: not forgiving is like having a systemic infection that will eat away at the rest of your life.)

The catch is, as C.S. Lewis said, “Everyone thinks forgiveness is a lovely idea until he has something to forgive.” When we have been injured, the idea of forgiving is not philosophical, and it can feel overwhelming.

Join me as we explore why to forgive and ways to forgive.

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Can Separation Save (or Cost You) a Marriage?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 3, 2021

You want to save your marriage. Your spouse seems to only want to destroy it. That is a pretty common scenario for people who visit my website.

And so, I often have the question asked, “Should we separate? Will a separation save my marriage?”

Can a separation save a marriage?

Short answer: yes, it can.

Longer answer: a separation can save a marriage, but it is statistically unlikely. And in my experience, a separation is a step in the wrong direction.

Some recent statistics show that around 79% of couples who separate end up divorced. In other words, 8 out of every 10 couples who separate will divorce.

I view separation as an absolute last resort to save a marriage. It is, in my opinion, that unlikely to help.

But here is the thing: if you are stuck in a conflicted and hurting marriage, it can be a very appealing solution. And yes, you can find “fans” of separation. There are people who tell you it is an important step in restoring a marriage.

Those people are ignoring the statistics.

They are appealing to your sense of relief that can come from a break in the conflict. More often than not, a separation amounts to a “trial divorce.”

But are there better solutions? Absolutely. Here is one.

In this podcast training, I tell you why separation is problematic — so that you understand that. I also tell you how to structure a separation, if it is inevitable and a last resort. Listen below for help with separation.

RESOURCES:
Article on Separating
Save The Marriage System
Virtual Coaching Program (IF you have the System)

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Zombie Marriage??

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 27, 2021

Is your marriage infected by the “zombie virus?” Do you find your relationship to be the “walking dead?” Are emotions lost and connections missing? Do you and your spouse respond to each other with “zombie grunts?”

The infection can be stopped. You can fight the infection and heal the relationship.

Don’t allow the big 4 symptoms of a zombie infection to overtake your relationship’s immune system. Fight back and restore your relationship to the living and the healthy.

Okay, to be fair, this is a “tip o’ the hat” to Halloween… but still an important subject!

Listen below.

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Your Stamp of Approval

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 20, 2021

People are quirky. We all have strange and interesting habits and interests. No two people are alike. In fact, most people want to claim their uniqueness, to be seen as unique, an individual — “being your own person.”

Yet all of us crave one thing: validation and approval. We did it in high school (“I am SO different, along with everyone else”) and we do it through adulthood.

In fact, one of the aphrodisiacs of a relationship is feeling validated, approved, and accepted by the other person. It is what helps form the bonds early in relationship-building. It fuels the attraction and connection… love.

Does YOUR spouse feel validated and accepted?

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, discover how this can make or break a relationship. Hear the 6 traps that may keep your spouse from feeling validated — and what to do about it!

Listen below.

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Dealing with Negativity

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 13, 2021

It happens. In the middle of a marriage crisis, you can find yourself surrounded by negativity. A spouse negative about the marriage. Friends and family negative about your efforts to save your marriage. You negative, well, about everything you are doing (it is easy to slip into self-blame and self-doubt).

Negativity comes from several sources: fear, protectiveness, anger, resentment, lack of understanding, and lack of clarity.

Regardless of the source, you may find yourself reacting poorly — negatively impacting your capacity to save and improve your marriage.

Is there another alternative?

You bet there is!

I would suggest four ways to respond that can change the outcome. Listen to the podcast for the four ways you can respond differently to the negativity, making sure that you don’t catch it yourself. Listen below.

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The Anger/Blame/Shame Dance

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 6, 2021

Do you ever feel like you are dancing with your spouse… and not a fun dance??

Most of the time, couples get into habits. They both know the steps, and they just keep going through them, 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2-3….

No, the dances aren’t particularly helpful. And yes, we keep dancing them, anyway!

One dance that many couples fall into is the Anger-Blame-Shame 3-step. And that particular dance? It keeps on repeating. Except that the anger grows. So does the blaming.

And so does the feeling of shame! “Why can’t I/we figure this out?”, they wonder.

And then, they dance it again.

How can you stop the dance? How can you find better steps? Better ways of moving through life?

That is the topic of this podcast episode (listen below). I tell you about those dance steps and why we do them… along with how to make a shift.

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Limiting Beliefs Limiting Your Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 22, 2021

It almost seems redundant, doesn’t it? If you have limited beliefs, they could limit something — say, for example, your marriage.

I say IF you have limited beliefs.

Full disclosure: We ALL have limited beliefs that are limiting us. We ALL have blind spots, assumptions, even untrue beliefs. We just don’t notice them. And we pay a price for that.

Especially since we usually fail to notice or address these limiting beliefs.

Do you think your limiting beliefs MIGHT be limiting your life and your marriage?

I’m betting that is the case, since it is true for all of us.

Here’s the good news: you can change your limiting beliefs. Once you know what they are. And decide to change them

Listen below for this week’s podcast.

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The Danger of a Shortcut

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 8, 2021

I admit it. The phone call got under my skin. We were traveling and I answered the call. The person asked if I was the “save the marriage guy.” I told him I was. He told me he didn’t want my System. Just the secret, the “short-cut.”

When I told him he needed the whole System, he said he didn’t want to go through all of that. He just needed the “trick,” the short-cut.

We went round and round for a couple more minutes.

I realized I was not going to convince him, but all the “short-cuts” he had been trying is what got him to here.

He hung up, likely still looking for the “short-cut.”

And I was left thinking. Wondering. Pondering.

And realizing that there is a distinct difference between being efficient and trying to find the “trick.” Those “tricks” are all the things on the internet about “hypnosis,” “reverse psychology,” “spells,” or any of those other manipulations.

You can be efficient in your efforts. You can be effective in your plan. But not by taking the “short-cuts” that are really just tricks.

Can I tell you more about this? Listen to the podcast below.

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Is It Time for a Bootcamp??

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 4, 2021

I have some friends who have been in different bootcamps this past year. Most are fitness-oriented… getting back into shape, improving your running, improving your tennis, things like that. Bootcamps are great ways to get up-to-speed as quickly as possible, so you perform better.

In the military, people go through bootcamp to get ready to be a soldier. It is intense and challenging, but designed to get someone ready to face a challenge elsewhere.

Bootcamps are a great way to get up-to-speed for what comes next.

Which is why I created the Husband Bootcamp.

I remember sitting in my office with a couple trying to get back on-track. They were stumbling and struggling. Then, she turned toward him and said, “You are a good man. But you are a bad husband.” It was like a hammer at hit him in the face. He was embarrassed and upset. At first, he was angry. But then, he caught himself, turned to me, and said, “I am doing the best I can… and I am failing. What can I do?”

That started an impromptu bootcamp. We called it the Husband Bootcamp. Along with a few others, this was transformational for their marriage.

Recently, I decided it was time to bring that to a bigger audience. We have been working hard to put the finishing touches on things. But in the meantime, I wanted to give you a little insight on what it is about, who can benefit, and how to jump in (or gift it to your spouse).

Listen below for info.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Get Updates and Info on the Husband Bootcamp HERE
Grab the Save The Marriage System Here
Learn More About One Person Helping A Marriage Here

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“Is This MY Fault??”

Why Forgive?

Can Separation Save (or Cost You) a Marriage?

Zombie Marriage??

Your Stamp of Approval

Dealing with Negativity

The Anger/Blame/Shame Dance

Limiting Beliefs Limiting Your Marriage

The Danger of a Shortcut

Is It Time for a Bootcamp??

RELATED RESOURCES: Get Updates and Info on the Husband Bootcamp HERE Grab the Save The Marriage System Here Learn More About One Person Helping A Marriage Here

RELATED RESOURCES:
Get Updates and Info on the Husband Bootcamp HERE
Grab the Save The Marriage System Here
Learn More About One Person Helping A Marriage Here