save the marriage system – Page 2 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Combatting Crisis Fatigue

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By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 23, 2022

You’ve been doing your best to work on your marriage… to resolve your marriage crisis. Then, you find yourself exhausted. You can’t find your focus. You wonder if you even care. The negativity creeps in, followed by hopelessness.

Sound familiar?

That would be Crisis Fatigue. It is what happens when a crisis isn’t resolved quickly. When the crisis covers days, weeks, even months (and maybe even years) it can wear on you. And all that effort you were putting into resolution falls to the side. You find yourself not following through on your plan.

Your efforts fail as you fall into exhaustion.

Crisis Fatigue.

But don’t let the Crisis Fatigue keep you stuck! You can deal with it, move beyond it, and continue your efforts. You can do that when you learn how to combat Crisis Fatigue. That is what we cover on this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

I discuss what Crisis Fatigue is, why it happens, what happens when it hits, and how to deal with it. Listen below.

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Quit Asking “Why is This Happening?”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 25, 2022

At the beginning of a coaching session, I do a quick “check-in” to see what we need to accomplish in that session. Since coaching is all about moving forward and making progress, I want to make sure we are moving forward toward client success.

But what I often hear instead is, “I want to know why this is happening (the marriage crisis).” I get it. There is something about knowing why that is somehow satisfying, if not particularly helpful. What is even more interesting, though, is how often the same client can return to this very question.

If I hear the question one time, we can answer it and move forward. But if I hear the question on repeat, I know there is something else going on. And one thing I know for sure, time after time, is that this question does nothing to move your marriage or yourself forward.

It is actually an anchor to the past.

And it is hard to move forward when you are anchored backward.

If you want to save your marriage, stop asking how you got here, and start asking how to get to where you want to go!

(I cover it in-depth in the podcast episode. Listen below.)

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A Marriage Crisis and Holiday Season

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 15, 2021

When life is hard, Holidays can feel heavy. When there is a marriage crisis, it can be tough to muster the energy to even move forward — especially when all the commercials and movies push the “merry and bright” of a mythic holiday.

And here we are, on the cusp of the Holiday season! It cuts across nations and beliefs. The season is here.

A client recently told me, “I just want to crawl into bed and get up on January 2nd.”

What a loss! No chance to find the deeper meaning of the Holidays. No chance at connection, re-connection, and healing.

Her real desire was to avoid pain. But her solution did more than avoiding pain. It avoided life, and all it offered.

My suggestion: deal with the heavy Holidays in a way that brings depth, connection, and healing, by engaging in the holiday.

I have 5 suggestions on dealing with Holidays in the midst of a marriage crisis. Listen below.

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Is Self-Growth a Threat to Marriage?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 8, 2021

“I just outgrew you,” he said to her in my office. But as we talked, I was not convinced that he had actually “outgrown” her. But it was clear that neither felt supported in their own personal growth. He said, “You stifle me,” and she answered, “You never care about my interests.”

And both were right.

But both missed the opportunity — self-expansion as a part of the relationship. They could both grow, both explore, and still stay married.

Recent research has shown that one of the leading contributors to unhappiness in marriage (and risk for infidelity) is a lack of opportunity for self-expansion in the relationship.

Great term, “self-expansion.” In a world of “self-growth” and “self-development,” the idea is a bit broader. Self-growth/development focuses on psychological or spiritual change. But what about just exploring the world and widening your horizons? Well, self-expansion encompasses both self-development and trying new things out.

Does your relationship support both of your opportunities for self-expansion (within the boundaries of the relationship)? Is there room for growing? Support for growing? Sharing new experiences together? Sharing your passions for individual interests? Those are the elements of self-expansion within marriage.

Learn more in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

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Are You Trying To Earn Love Back?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 1, 2021

Sometimes, people tell me that as they are trying to save their marriage, they actually feel like they are trying to earn back the love of a spouse. They want to know if that is what it really is — earning back the love (and even trust).

The short answer is NO, that is not the goal.

A slightly longer answer is that if you are working to earn back love, you are also working on building a unsustainable and not-very-healthy relationship.

That is my topic for this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast: why you are NOT trying to earn back your spouse’s love, why that approach is problematic, AND what to do instead.

Your marriage can be saved. But not by trying to earn back your spouse’s love.

Can the love return to your marriage? Absolutely.

But that doesn’t mean it is the goal of the process.

(Love isn’t earned. It is given.)

Listen to the podcast episode below for more on this important topic

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
Connection and Marriage
Building A WE
Forgiveness and Marriage
Save The Marriage System

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Gratitude and a Marriage Crisis

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 24, 2021

Here we are, right at Thanksgiving Day in the United States. The day we are supposed to be filled with gratitude, feeling thankful for those around us.

Which may feel like a tall order if your marriage is in the middle of a crisis (or if you are in any sort of crisis for that matter!). What, gratitude when life stinks?

Yep.

In fact, gratitude is even MORE important when we are in the midst of a crisis. Yes, it is important every day. But when your life is upside-down, gratitude can help you get it rightside-up.

Is it easy?

Nope.

Is it important?

Yep. So, let’s talk about finding gratitude (not just having gratitude, but finding it) in the midst of a crisis.

Need more on being thankful and feeling gratitude? Listen here and here.

And you can find the Save The Marriage System RIGHT HERE.

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Can Separation Save (or Cost You) a Marriage?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 3, 2021

You want to save your marriage. Your spouse seems to only want to destroy it. That is a pretty common scenario for people who visit my website.

And so, I often have the question asked, “Should we separate? Will a separation save my marriage?”

Can a separation save a marriage?

Short answer: yes, it can.

Longer answer: a separation can save a marriage, but it is statistically unlikely. And in my experience, a separation is a step in the wrong direction.

Some recent statistics show that around 79% of couples who separate end up divorced. In other words, 8 out of every 10 couples who separate will divorce.

I view separation as an absolute last resort to save a marriage. It is, in my opinion, that unlikely to help.

But here is the thing: if you are stuck in a conflicted and hurting marriage, it can be a very appealing solution. And yes, you can find “fans” of separation. There are people who tell you it is an important step in restoring a marriage.

Those people are ignoring the statistics.

They are appealing to your sense of relief that can come from a break in the conflict. More often than not, a separation amounts to a “trial divorce.”

But are there better solutions? Absolutely. Here is one.

In this podcast training, I tell you why separation is problematic — so that you understand that. I also tell you how to structure a separation, if it is inevitable and a last resort. Listen below for help with separation.

RESOURCES:
Article on Separating
Save The Marriage System
Virtual Coaching Program (IF you have the System)

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Zombie Marriage??

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 27, 2021

Is your marriage infected by the “zombie virus?” Do you find your relationship to be the “walking dead?” Are emotions lost and connections missing? Do you and your spouse respond to each other with “zombie grunts?”

The infection can be stopped. You can fight the infection and heal the relationship.

Don’t allow the big 4 symptoms of a zombie infection to overtake your relationship’s immune system. Fight back and restore your relationship to the living and the healthy.

Okay, to be fair, this is a “tip o’ the hat” to Halloween… but still an important subject!

Listen below.

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Your Stamp of Approval

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 20, 2021

People are quirky. We all have strange and interesting habits and interests. No two people are alike. In fact, most people want to claim their uniqueness, to be seen as unique, an individual — “being your own person.”

Yet all of us crave one thing: validation and approval. We did it in high school (“I am SO different, along with everyone else”) and we do it through adulthood.

In fact, one of the aphrodisiacs of a relationship is feeling validated, approved, and accepted by the other person. It is what helps form the bonds early in relationship-building. It fuels the attraction and connection… love.

Does YOUR spouse feel validated and accepted?

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, discover how this can make or break a relationship. Hear the 6 traps that may keep your spouse from feeling validated — and what to do about it!

Listen below.

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Dealing with Negativity

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 13, 2021

It happens. In the middle of a marriage crisis, you can find yourself surrounded by negativity. A spouse negative about the marriage. Friends and family negative about your efforts to save your marriage. You negative, well, about everything you are doing (it is easy to slip into self-blame and self-doubt).

Negativity comes from several sources: fear, protectiveness, anger, resentment, lack of understanding, and lack of clarity.

Regardless of the source, you may find yourself reacting poorly — negatively impacting your capacity to save and improve your marriage.

Is there another alternative?

You bet there is!

I would suggest four ways to respond that can change the outcome. Listen to the podcast for the four ways you can respond differently to the negativity, making sure that you don’t catch it yourself. Listen below.

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