save the marriage system – Page 4 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

If THEY Can’t, Who Can?

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg May 5, 2021 May 4, 2021

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 5, 2021

I was busy working on some projects when a news notification popped up on my tablet: “Bill and Melinda Gates Announce They Are Divorcing.” Wow, what a power couple! And they were calling it quits.

Whenever this happens, a powerful and successful couple decides to divorce, I hear from a few people. They look at all of that _______ (you fill in the blank: money, success, resources, connections, etc.) and wonder, “What chance do I have to save MY marriage, if THEY can’t stay together.”

I would presume that Bill and Melinda, along with Jeff and MacKenzie and many other mogul couples, could attend any couples retreat, meet with any therapist/coach, and invest in any intervention to save their marriage.

But they don’t.

Which raises the question for the rest of us… what chance do WE have in our own marriage? Or more specifically, you can ask, what chance do YOU have in saving YOUR marriage?

And what can we learn from the divorces of the rich, successful, and famous?

That is what I cover in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast (and let me just be clear, I have not coached or interacted with anyone I mentioned above — although I have had many interactions with very successful people in very unhappy marriages… and the lessons are the same).

Listen in below.

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“But What If I CAN’T Save It?”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 28, 2021

Two phone calls the same day. Both with the same question: “What if I CAN’T save my marriage?” One had been working at it for awhile. The other hadn’t started (and was trying to decide whether to even start).

It’s a common question that gets asked at 3 different times in the process. Each has a different meaning. All share a fear.

That fear can keep you from taking action, talk you into giving up, or serve to inform you.

This week, I want to take on the question, “What if I can’t save it?”, because not every marriage can be saved. (But NONE are saved without action.)

Don’t let the question trip you up. Understand what’s behind it. And listen to my answer to the question.

Listen below.

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NMF: “Not MY Fault!”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 7, 2021

The email was pages long, all about the problems in her marriage. Each line was about how her husband had ruined the marriage. She pointed out actions of her husband, and he did make mistakes (no abuse, mind you).

She wanted to know what to do — how to save her marriage — given the fact that it wasn’t her fault. She was clear that she wanted the marriage, but she just didn’t know what to do, after all he had done to damage the relationship.

NMF

She was skidding down the fastest path to failing in her efforts. And she didn’t see how she had anything to do with it.

NMF

When we talked on the phone, I asked a little bit more about the dynamics of the relationship. But I noticed she kept shifting back to “he did…,” “he didn’t….” She could point out his failures and shortcomings.

And then she would return to her question: Given his actions, how could she save her marriage?

NMF

I had no doubt that she really wanted to save her marriage. And I had little doubt that she would be unsuccessful.

Because she had fallen in the NMF trap. Figured it out yet? The NMF trap is “Not My Fault.”

Here is the problem with “Not My Fault”: It leaves you stuck. It does relieve you of blame or fault. But it also tends to rob people of responsibility (Response-Ability).

Let’s talk about why this trap happens and how to avoid it. Listen below.

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Is Your Crisis Hot or Cold?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 31, 2021

Is your marriage crisis marked by heated arguments or cold distance? Hot or cold?

Are they really that different? Or is it all a part of the same process? And how does it affect your attempts to save your marriage?

During back-to-back coaching sessions with two couples, I had a case of each. In the first, both were practically red-faced with anger, talking over each other and refusing to listen.

In the second session, the couple were cold and distant, refusing to engage with each other, routing all discussions through me. Both refused to listen to the other.

The underlying issues were the same. The emotional temperature was different. Each couple had set their “emotional thermostat” to a different level. And neither couple seemed interested in changing the setting.

What is the difference between the heat and the cold? How does it affect your efforts to save your marriage? Is it possible that both the heat and the cold are actually pointing toward the same process? The same path?

We explore the difference between hot and cold crises and what to do to turn it around in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

Listen below.

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3 Barriers and Beyond

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 24, 2021

For some reason, your spouse just can’t see a way forward. You want things to be better… you want to save your marriage. But your spouse can’t (or won’t) see a possibility.

Why?

There are actually 3 real barriers your spouse might be experiencing. They just can’t see a way around any or all of the barriers.

Those 3 barriers are Hurting, Hopeless, and Helpless. Emotional struggles are painful — for all involved! And many times, it just doesn’t seem like there is a way to get help… and that can make you feel helpless. Add those together, and it can seem pretty helpless.

But is it?

Not if you can find a way beyond the 3 barriers.

In my VIP Program, I provide a weekly training, along with tools and coaching, to help people who are ready to make a real shift in their relationship. My System is kind of like the white belt training — knowing what you need to know to deal with a basic situation. VIP is the blue belt, designed for those wanting more effectiveness and efficiency in their efforts.

During one of those trainings awhile back, I addressed those 3 barriers. The training caused such a stir that I wrote a book about it. But those 3 barriers are so important that you need to know about them, too. So, I am doing something I don’t do: I’m giving you access to this VIP training. It IS a bit longer than my typical podcast, as we go deep (and the book goes deeper).

Listen in to learn the 3 barriers, and how to begin to get beyond them.

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Stages of Crisis Awareness

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 17, 2021

In my Save The Marriage System Quick-Start Guide, I show the 8 distinct stages of a marriage crisis. But those are the stages of the crisis. There are also stages to your awareness of the crisis.

This is the point where you are aware of the crisis, the level of the crisis, and the potential threat of the crisis. And just to let you know: you are NOT at stage 1. That would be Asleep. This is the point when you are not even aware that things are in trouble. You are blissfully unaware of — or choosing to not notice — the looming marriage crisis that is already underway.

But then you wake up to find yourself in the midst of a troubled relationship, a hurting marriage!

Your spouse may be further along the process, and your marriage may be further along the progression of the crisis. That is independent of your own awareness of the crisis.

In this episode of the marriage crisis, I discuss the 4 stages of crisis awareness, and the 1 thing you need to do — along with some thoughts on how to/how NOT to do that very thing.

Listen in below.

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The 2 Necessary Feelings

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 3, 2021

Feelings. We all have them. What we feel, and how we make others feel.

Sometimes, we have the wrong feelings. And we try to get away from those feelings.

In a relationship in trouble, you can guarantee that someone is not feeling the way that he or she wants to feel. So, that person tries to get away from what is making them feel that way.

Unfortunately, that “something” is more a “someone,” the spouse.

Are YOU making your spouse feel something that is causing him or her to want to get away?

There are 2 primary feelings that must be in a strong relationship. The opposite of those feelings tend to push couples apart.

Those 2 feelings?

Feeling wanted.
Feeling accepted.

You may not feel wanted or accepted. If you are working on saving and improving your relationship, let me suggest you set that aside for now. Focus on how you can help your spouse feel wanted and accepted.

In this podcast episode, I talk about these feelings (and their opposites) and 3 ways you may be hurting those feelings for your spouse.

Join me as we explore these 2 necessary feelings and 3 ways we hurt those feelings.

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Out of Nowhere?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 24, 2021

Many times, people tell me that their marriage was doing just fine (well, at least OK), and then it was in trouble, “All at once,” that they “didn’t see it coming,” and that others thought they “were the ‘perfect couple’ — then this.” In fact, many people tell me about love notes and loving cards last year, last month, even last week.

What happened? How could the marriage fall about, seemingly out of nowhere?

The simple answer is, it didn’t.

Marriage crises do not come out of nowhere, and are far less sudden than you might think.

As one divorce attorney put it, marriages “fall apart little by little, then all at once.”

The hurts, pains, disconnections, lost opportunities, and slights build up over time. And suddenly, they hit a threshold. I call it the Threshold Problem. You didn’t see the threshold coming, until it hits. Until the marriage runs out of gas. Then, you have a hard time seeing how you got to the threshold. So it looks like it was out of the blue, out of nowhere.

But it wasn’t. It didn’t happen overnight. And saving it won’t happen overnight. That is possible, slowly at first, as long as you move with intention in that direction.

Learn more about why a marriage crisis is not “out of nowhere” in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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Knocked Down, Back Up

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 3, 2021

You started working on saving your marriage. Good for you!

And then, you hit a bump. You get knocked down. Maybe you discovered an affair, physical or emotional. Maybe your spouse is irritable and upset. Maybe it is anger and resentment, yours or your spouse’s.

And it knocks you down.

Enough that you think it is over. That you are at the end.

But are you? Or do you need to get back up?

In most things in life, we think the process is (or should be) smooth. I fall for that myth all the time. I think a project is going to be easy and straightforward. Only to find a complication and difficulty at every turn.

And guess what? The same is true in your efforts to save your marriage.

We talk about how you might get knocked down… and how to get up again, in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

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“No Closer!” — Stuck?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 27, 2021

What do you do when your spouse has shifted back toward you… some… but is still distant? More distant than you would like?

Do you have to just accept it, accept the lack of intimacy and connection?

Is that the relationship you are stuck with? Some connection. Still married. But not the warmth, love, and connection you do want?

That is the question posed to me. Mary reports that her husband returned after a number of months of separation. But now, some time later, after his return, the connection is not where it needs to be. It isn’t where Mary wants it to be.

What do you do, Mary wonders? Accept it? Make peace with the fact that her spouse does not want an intimate relationship with her?

I delve into Mary’s question (which may also be your question) about what to do when the connection is still not there, even after some improvement. I suggest 3 steps for Mary (and perhaps you) to take. And yes, we start at acceptance. But that is not about giving up!

Listen below.

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