save the marriage system

Hanging On To Hope

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg May 13, 2020 May 11, 2020

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 13, 2020

Your spouse thinks it’s hopeless. You may even be wondering that, too. But is it? Is it hopeless?

Or is the problem that your spouse is hopeless — not the situation?

Let’s be honest: if you give up hope, it may become a hopeless situation.

Sometimes, having hope is not based on seeing the way. We find the way because we hold onto hope.

In my latest book, Beyond the 3 Barriers, I note that one barrier for your spouse is hopelessness. I also note that one way to move beyond your spouse’s barriers is by having hope. Holding onto hope. Maintaining hope while waiting for space to make a shift.

Hope has 3 core components… all within your control and choice. But you do need to know the components in order to choose. When you do, you choose hope.

Remember that hope is not about waiting for a spouse to hope… or even to shift. It comes from within you, a choice you make. Hang on to hope!

Listen to the podcast episode below.

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Quarantined Together or Apart

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 29, 2020

If a marriage crisis was not enough to deal with… now we have a pandemic. And if that was not enough, we are self-isolating. The pandemic isn’t anything we can control. Self-isolating is best for ourselves and others.

What, though, does that mean about your marriage crisis? How do you deal with that? In the midst of the pandemic? And while self-isolating.

That breaks down into 4 different groups: Isolating together but working alone, isolating together and working together, isolating apart and working alone, and isolating apart but working together. Each has some nuances that need your attention.

I cover some recommendations for each group, and explain why it makes a difference.

Listen in below.

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Proving Your Perception (is dangerous)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 15, 2020

I can’t count how many times a couple has come to me for “help with our communication skills.” Funny thing is, they communicate just fine.

Then why are they stuck in conflict? Why are they disconnected? Why does it seem like they aren’t on the same team?

Perceptions. About each other and about the situation that caused the conflict.

And because they have decided to prove their perception to their spouse. That is very dangerous. Rarely is it successful, but always is it damaging.

There are 2 underlying issues that affect this: being a WE and being connected. How strong is your sense of WE, and how connected are you? When you don’t feel like you are on the same team and/or are feeling disconnected, it is far harder to communicate about the differences in perception. More than that, you are unlikely to prove your connection to your spouse… especially when disconnected, but almost always.

How do you solve it?

We discuss what to do in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

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Staying the Course in a Crisis (or 2)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 25, 2020

The phrase, “Stay the Course,” comes from the commitment in battle to continue moving toward your goal, regardless of obstacles or difficulties. So first, let’s let go of the battle analogy. You aren’t in battle. But you are fighting for your marriage.

And in this moment, you are fighting to keep yourself and your family safe.

Those are the goals. And that is the problem. A single crisis is tough enough. But a crisis, squared. It isn’t just double. The struggle is exponential. That’s because a crisis on top of a crisis is not cumulative. It can feel like it multiplies the struggle.

So, then, how do you stay the course?

I cover these 4 ways in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast:

Have a plan.
Practice extra patience and grace.
Refuse to absorb anxiety.
Do the Next Right Thing.

Listen below for the details on each.

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Where Did The Love Go?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 11, 2020

I get that question very frequently: “What happened? Where did the love go?”

Maybe you feel it, maybe you hear it. The end result is the same: one or both people just not feeling it… not feeling love. Maybe “I love you, but I’m not IN love with you.” Or maybe, “I care about you, but I don’t love you.” Or maybe more simply, “I don’t love you.”

Then what?

And where did the love go? It was there before. Did it really go away?

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss the causes of love gone missing. We look at where the love went, and talk about how to bring it back.

Listen below.

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Marriage Wrecker: Disconnection

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 26, 2020

Your marriage is hurting. Why? What happened? What wrecked your marriage?

In the last podcast episode, I discussed how expectations can wreck a marriage.

But unfortunately, there are some other issues and concerns that can wreck your marriage. This week’s Marriage Wrecker is right at the top of the list.

In fact, it is a recurring theme in my work with couples. After discussing it in several coaching sessions in the last few days, I thought it was a good topic for an episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

What is connection? What is DISconnection… and why does it happen? We start there. We discuss how connection is the life-blood of your relationship… and what happens when it gets squeezed off… often for what seem like good reasons!

The result, though, is the same, even when disconnection is unintentional. (And it almost always is.)

I also cover what to do when you realize the cycle and are ready to break it (what to know and how to approach it, so you don’t get thrown off).

Listen to this important episode below.

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Hope vs. Hopelessness

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 5, 2020

Miranda asked me, “What do I do? My spouse is hopeless that we can save our marriage. I’m losing hope, too.”

A couple of weeks ago, I did a training for members of my VIP Program, noting three barriers in the way of a spouse working on the marriage… along with how to respond. One of those barriers is hopelessness.

But if a spouse is hopeless… how can you hold onto hope?

There is an equation of hope: hope = goal + pathways to goal + action to get there.

If you noticed from the equation, a spouse (you) can choose hope, even when a spouse is hopeless. Especially if you recognize that the hopeless spouse cannot see that goal… cannot see a way forward (a path)… and therefore, can’t see a way to take action.

There are traps at each of those three elements of hope… and if one is not present, it isn’t really hope. So, let’s talk about how to grab each element, keep it in place, and keep moving forward.

Listen to the episode below.

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“I’m Just Not Happy”… The Excuse to Leave?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 29, 2020

What do you do when a spouse declares, “I’m not happy,” as the reason the marriage has to end? Or how about, “You’re not happy,” or “I can’t make you happy”?

I have heard this reason given over and over. It is a common (but false) belief that a marriage needs to end because spouses can’t make each other happy.

The fact is, you cannot make your spouse happy. And your spouse can’t make you happy. But that isn’t even the goal!

(Just to be fair, it is possible to make someone miserable! But make them happy? Nope. Not possible. Ever.)

What does it mean when a spouse wants to end a marriage due to “not being happy”? And what do you do? How do you respond?

That is the topic of our conversation on this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. You can listen below.

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The Problem with Changing… and Proving It!

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 13, 2019

Things hit a bad spot in your marriage… and your spouse isn’t sure about staying or leaving the marriage. Sure, it may have been a relationship issue, but you may be feeling blamed.

It’s pretty common to go looking for the “bad guy” in any situation. And even if both of you are in pain and frustrated, you may be wanting to stay. While you may be able to point to things your spouse needs to change, you can probably see that approach is unlikely to get you very far.

And noting the relationship problems? That might “fall on deaf ears,” too.

Which means you may just be catching the blame.

And maybe you even agree with the critiques aimed your way. Maybe you even agree that there are some changes you need to make.

Now what?

Yes, you absolutely want to make the changes.

Maybe to prove you can. Maybe because you know you would be a better person for having changed.

Here is the problem: Change is hard, and rarely straightforward. When we make any significant changes in life, we are highly unlikely to hit 100% success. Every now and then, you are likely to fall short. You are likely to drift back into old habits, old actions, old responses.

That doesn’t mean you have failed. Only that change is often a journey.

But those slips? They will absolutely be seen as failures by a suspicious spouse who is not trusting the changes (or even your capacity to change).

And that is the problem with change.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I cover some questions about this that were submitted by listeners. Take a listen below!

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Is It Quitting Time? Resources to Help…

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 14, 2019

It would be nice if the process of saving your marriage is straight-forward, direct, and without any bumps along the way.

Rarely is that the case. Many times, it is 2 steps forward and 3 steps back, then 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. Sometimes, it can feel like nothing is moving. Then, things lurch… even jump… forward.

The biggest risk? Discouragement and frustration leading you to quit. Friends and family encouraging you to quit.

No, you don’t have to keep on trying, indefinitely. There are times when you might decide to quit. But what you don’t want to happen is for your emotions to lead you to quit. IF it comes to it, you want to decide to quit. Not just feel like quitting. But making a decision.

Otherwise, you want to make sure you keep heading forward.

And when you are frustrated, feeling discouraged, and listening to those “quit” messages, you may need some help staying on-course.

Below are some selected trainings to help you deal with those times.

Hanging On To Hope

Quarantined Together or Apart

Proving Your Perception (is dangerous)

Staying the Course in a Crisis (or 2)

Where Did The Love Go?

Marriage Wrecker: Disconnection

Hope vs. Hopelessness

“I’m Just Not Happy”… The Excuse to Leave?

The Problem with Changing… and Proving It!

Is It Quitting Time? Resources to Help…

Can This Marriage BE Saved?

When You Are Frustrated and Feel Like Giving Up…

When It Seems Easier To Just Quit and Walk Away…

When Discouragement Is Hitting Hard…

4 Fears That Stop Your Efforts

Dealing With NaySayers

3 Ways To Stay In The Game When You Want To Quit

7 Strategies When You Hear “This Will Never Work” and “I Don’t Love You”

Is It Time To Throw In The Towel?

Is It Too Late To Save Your Marriage?

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