May 2018 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

3 Rules for Better Communication

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg May 30, 2018 May 30, 2018

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 30, 2018

Many couples make the mistake of assuming that their problems are due to poor communication. That is not (or rarely) the case. Why do couples think this? Because many therapists use that as the default problem to attack in therapy.

But communication is merely the method of passing information. Helpful in connecting with a spouse, for sure. It’s just that most people express themselves fairly well.

For years, people would come to my office and ask for help in communicating. After 20 or 30 minutes of listening, I would note that I understood everything each one said. They were communicating just fine. They had an issue, for sure. Communication, though, was not THE issue.

Still, communication is not irrelevant. It is one of the ways we connect. So, if communication is hampered by hurt and disconnection, then communication can seem like the issue.

So, today, I offer 3 rules for better communication — communication that leads to connection!

Listen below.

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Chronic, Crisis, Flashpoint, Tipping Point – What Happened??

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 23, 2018

“What happened?”, they ask me. They tell me they knew things weren’t great… but they had no idea that things were “this bad,” to the point that a spouse is threatening separation or divorce.

Suddenly, a chronic marriage problem becomes a marriage crisis.

They can’t believe “that one argument” led to the threats of divorce.

And they are exactly right. That was just a flashpoint.

At some point, most chronic issues have a tipping point, when they go from chronic to crisis. it happens with health issues. And it happens with relationship issues.

Nothing is great… but not horrible… until everything turns upside-down. The problem erupts into a crisis.

If that is what happened to you, you need to understand the dynamics behind this. I cover those dynamics in today’s podcast. Listen below.

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Are You Just Delaying “The Inevitable?”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 16, 2018

I get this question often enough to know that you may be wondering, too. Is it really possible to save a marriage, or are you just delaying the inevitable?

Many people want to know this before they even start the process. They want to make sure that the effort will be worth it. If not, why go through the struggle, right?

Some people do make the effort to save their marriage… but they never quite get to the point of really changing anything. They might engage a bit, work on it a bit… and they gain some ground. But in reality, nothing changed. It’s more like cleaning a house that is in disrepair. It looks better, but nothing got fixed.

Then, there are others. They decide that they can’t go back. They realize the relationship must change. And change it, they do!

And save their marriage, they do!

The question is really about whether the real change happened, or just a “spring cleaning.”

The choice between the two? All yours.

Listen to this episode of the podcast for more on making those real changes.

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When Your Spouse Wants To TALK

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 9, 2018

“We need to talk,” is the start-up of many conversations with a spouse in marital strife. Those words can strike fear and dread into you. What if things turn south? How do you respond? What do you do?

If you are following my System, you know that I have a number of “Don’t Do’s” that can keep you out of trouble. This is my list of thing NOT to do.

And one biggie is Don’t Talk About The Relationship. What I mean by that is YOU should not have THE “Relationship Talk.” You know… the one that you have rehearsed in your head… the one where your spouse will “see the light” and return to the marriage — given your full list of reasons and emotions.

Except… that is not what happens. Your spouse is not reading off of the script you have in your head. And so, the talk goes south.

So, what do you do, then, if you are committed to not having the “relationship talk,” and your spouse is wanting to talk about the relationship?

I’m here to help! In this week’s podcast episode, I cover this question. I tell you why your spouse wanting to talk about your marriage is NOT the same as my rule about not having that Relationship Talk. And I share why avoiding your spouse’s desire to talk is actually a problem. Perhaps a BIG problem.

So, how do you have that talk and make it work FOR your relationship? Listen to the episode for help on how to talk about the relationship when your spouse wants to, without having THE “Relationship Talk.”

Resources
Connection versus Confusion
Communication is Not the Issue
Relationship Talks
Save The Marriage System

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Earning Back Love (Is NOT The Goal)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 2, 2018

Sometimes, people tell me that as they are trying to save their marriage, they actually feel like they are trying to earn back the love of a spouse. They want to know if that is what it really is — earning back the love (and even trust).

The short answer is NO, that is not the goal.

A slightly longer answer is that if you are working to earn back love, you are also working on building a unsustainable and not-very-healthy relationship.

That is my topic for this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast: why you are NOT trying to earn back your spouse’s love, why that approach is problematic, AND what to do instead.

Your marriage can be saved. But not by trying to earn back your spouse’s love.

Can the love return to your marriage? Absolutely.

But that doesn’t mean it is the goal of the process.

(Love isn’t earned. It is given.)

RESOURCES
Connection and Marriage
Building A WE
Forgiveness and Marriage
Save The Marriage System

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