Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. – Page 23 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Struggling with Separation

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg October 9, 2019 October 8, 2019

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 9, 2019

Is separation the best scenario for saving a marriage?

No. Many times, a separation ends up being a “dress rehearsal for divorce.” Living separately creates patterns of separation. Connection becomes more difficult.

But is it all for naught?

Not necessarily.

For a number of episodes now, I have been answering questions from listeners (you can email your questions to [email protected]).

In this episode, I answer questions from 3 listeners about their separation concerns: building connection during a separation, dealing with relationships that develop during a separation, and how to rebuild trust after a separation.

If you are struggling with a separation, whether before, during, or after, you need to listen in to this episode as I address the struggles with separation.

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Dealing with Indifference…

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 2, 2019

For awhile, I have been answering listener-submitted questions, and continue to do so in this episode (if YOU want to ask a question, send it to [email protected]).

This week, I respond to a couple of questions about a spouse’s indifference and/or resistance to attempts at connection.

It can be frustrating when you so desperately want to rebuild a marriage. Maybe your spouse claims to want the same. Maybe your spouse just doesn’t respond much at all. A little conversation… that goes nowhere. Or attempts at conversation… that go nowhere. It can feel frustrating and defeating.

How should you understand the situation?

What can you do about it?

Can you make progress?

We discuss these questions (and more) in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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“Why Should I Try? Don’t Tell Me What To Do!”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 25, 2019

Jared was a bit more pointed in his question. But to be fair, I HAVE been asking for people to submit questions. And he did.

He told me straight up, “You tell me to connect with my spouse. Well, I’ve been trying to do that. If I’ve been trying and it isn’t working, what are you gonna teach me that will make a difference?”

Fair question.

So I responded to it in this episode of the podcast.

Jared continues on about my “Easy” approach to saving a marriage. So, just to clarify here and in my podcast, I never said “Easy.” I did say “Simple.” Many things are simple, but not easy. Never confuse the two. My attempt is to simplify the process, so that you do not get overwhelmed. This is not some “self-working, no effort necessary” approach. Anyone who claims to have that is simply lying.

On the other hand, I think I can clarify and simplify the process, so that you know exactly what to do.

But I tell you why in the podcast.

And no, Jared, you don not “have” to do anything. But if you want to do something to work on your marriage, I am here to help. So, let’s talk. First, listen to the episode below for my response to your question.

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Moving Forward… One Way or The Other…

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 18, 2019

“I need some encouragement,” the note ended. The writer is a listener of my podcast and admitted the hard work that has gone into trying to save his marriage.

At the same time, another listener asked about whether this effort — the work to save her marriage — was just a “waste of time.” Could I, the writer wanted to know, point to some hope? Some reason to continue the efforts.

If you haven’t felt like these two writers, I’d be surprised. And would be super-surprised if it did not emerge at some point in the process.

Working on a marriage crisis can feel like a slow slog through a deep bog, hip-high in quicksand and sludge. It can feel like it threatens to pull you under.

Those are the times we need some encouragement and direction. Some… as one asked… hope, and as the other asked… encouragement.

I don’t believe in false hope. I tell it like it is… and encourage you to take the steps you need to take. I shoot straight and tell the truth. So, first, let me say that I do not (and have never) claim that every marriage can be saved. Even if you do everything right, your spouse may still refuse to move toward the relationship.

I also know that there are two good outcomes. First is to save your marriage. Second is to rest assured that you did everything you could do to save your marriage.

My encouragement: There is one way through this. And that is THROUGH this. Regardless of outcome, YOU WILL BE OK. And YOU get to choose how you respond to this and every other challenge in life. So respond the best you can. Do your best. Rest in that knowledge.

Oh, and make sure you prepare yourself to do your best. Equip and execute. You’ve GOT this!

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Depression And Your Marriage Crisis

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 11, 2019

Lately on the podcast, I have been answering listener questions. And quite a few have come in about how depression affects a marriage. Does depression cause a crisis? Or do people get depressed because of the crisis? Or… and this is more central to the question… how do you deal with depression and a marriage crisis?

Depression is a reality for many people. And depression is a part of a marriage crisis many times.

The question is how you move through both crises: depression and a marriage crisis.

In this podcast, I discuss the effects of depression, some thoughts about causation, and how to deal with the depression while addressing the relationship crisis.

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The Affair… and The Aftermath

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 4, 2019

Question: does an affair cause marital problems or do marital problems cause affairs?

Answer: YES.

Longer answer: for the majority of affairs, weak points in the marriage create a vulnerability to infidelity. There is another necessary element… but problems do cause vulnerability. But when infidelity is committed, the problem deepens. Affairs end up creating both a personal and a marital crisis… often for both spouses.

And then, there is the aftermath… what comes AFTER the affair is ended.

In this episode of the podcast, I tackle two submitted questions:

“What causes an affair? Why did it happen in OUR marriage?”

and

“What is the typical aftermath in an affair for the spouse who broke it off?”

In these two cases, the questions are not academic. They are wound up in the marital crisis that is unwinding… or stuck… and infidelity is a major issue.

If you are in the midst of a marital crisis, your relationship could be vulnerable… and if your spouse (or you) has committed infidelity, this can help you understand what might happen when the affair is ended.

Listen below.

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“How Long?” Trust, Trauma, and Towels

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 28, 2019

I’m still answering your questions! If you have a question you want me to cover on the podcast, just SEND ME AN EMAIL HERE.

Today, we cover “time.” Or more specifically, “How Long?” The questions come from 2 listeners, “B” and “J.”

B asked about how long it takes to recover from broken trust. He follows up with wondering about PTSD symptoms and breaking trust. If your relationship suffers from broken trust, I cover the issue of healing time… and what you can do about that time.

I also go into some discussion about trust and trauma, to make sure you understand how that might affect your relationship.

And J is interested in how long to keep up the efforts before you “throw in the towel.” J says that they are in a “lock.” I disagree, and I cover how to think through the stuck spot… what it means, why you might be wrong, and how to keep on moving forward.

Trauma, Time, and Towels. I cover them in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Don’t miss it! Listen below.

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Disrespect and Boundaries

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 21, 2019

“A” has been trying to set boundaries with her husband. Trying to get the treatment she deserves. Trying to get the relationship to a healthy spot.

But then, her spouse throws a little shade her way… rolling eyes, using a demeaning tone. What should she do to set a boundary on that?, she asks.

During the last few episodes of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I’ve been tackling your questions — questions submitted by listeners. (If you have a question for consideration, email it to me HERE.)

In this case, A has a good hold on what to do when, say, her spouse raises his voice or calls her names. But what about those less-clear actions — using a “you’re so stupid” tone (note that this requires you to read a tone… not always a good thing to try).

Sometimes, boundaries are clear. You know how to set them. I even have a whole chapter on it in the primary module of Save The Marriage System.

But when it is more subtle… a little harder to pin down. And a little harder to call someone on. What about that?

I cover it in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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Connection and Disconnection: Powerful Resources for Healing

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 19, 2019

Over and over, I hear the same story: pain and conflict, disconnection and anger, resentment and distance.

In my book, I note the 3 steps to saving a marriage:

Connect with your spouse.
Change yourself.
Create a new path.

Connecting with your spouse is HUGE. In fact, the leading issue with marriages is that disconnection. Heal the disconnection, and the relationship can stabilize. It does not do away with steps 2 and 3. In fact, #2 needs to be concurrent to reconnecting. But #3, “create a new path,” is much easier when the connection is healing.

So how DO you do that?

Let me point you to some resources that will help you begin the process. Below are links to the resources, so that you can quickly access and heal your relationship.

The Connection-Starved Marriage — CLICK HERE

This is it. The reason marriages get into trouble. They are literally starved for connection. Which leads to hurt, further disconnection, and eventual disdain. Hear why in the Connection-Starved Marriage training.

5 Myths of Connection — CLICK HERE

This is a great starting point. You can begin to understand the ways we have misunderstood connection, so that you can move in the RIGHT direction.

7 Stages of Disconnection — CLICK HERE

This will help you assess where your relationship is right now! How deeply disconnected are you? Once you know this, you can begin to create your plan to reconnect.

How to Heal Disconnection — CLICK HERE

This resource will help you start the process of reversing the disconnection and move toward reconnection.

Why Healing Is Easier To Heal Than You Think — CLICK HERE

We are wired for connection. Which is why it is easier to heal than you think… when you know this little secret. I cover it in this training.

Being Courageously Compassionate — CLICK HERE

When you are hurting, angry, and frustrated, it can be difficult to even work on the connection. But YOU may be the only one ready to work on it. Courageous Compassion can help you choose a better path. This resource will help you move in that direction.

Show UP! — CLICK HERE

One other resource is about showing up. When you don’t show up, you don’t connect. And here is the great thing: you can ALWAYS show up. You can always decide you will show up in your relationship. Find out how!

Learn What Happy Couples Do Differently — CLICK HERE

These trainings will help you discover what happy couples do differently… and how you can follow their trail. Build happiness and heal disconnection with these trainings.

If you are ready to really step up and heal your disconnection, It is time to grab the Save The Marriage System HERE

And if you need coaching, LEARN MORE HERE

The Back To Basics Series

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 16, 2019

It is easy to get overwhelmed and lost in the situation. Sometimes, we just need take a step back, “simple” it down, and start moving forward.

That is the reason I decided to make some trainings on Getting Back To Basics. In this simple 4 part series, I start with an explanation of what went wrong. Yes, you can look for lots of complex explanations. But it really only makes things seem more complicated than they are.

<CLICK HERE FOR THE TRAINING ON WHAT WENT WRONG>

Then, I cover what you need to do to save your marriage… based on shifting and healing what went wrong. This is big enough that I cover it in 2 different trainings.

<CLICK HERE FOR PART 1 OF WHAT TO DO TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE>

But sometimes, before you can even get started, you have to get clear on WHY you are saving your marriage. In the frustration and hurt, it can be easy to get distracted… even feel like giving up. So, I cover WHY to save your marriage in another training.

<CLICK HERE FOR THE TRAINING ON WHY TO EVEN SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE>

And if, after the trainings, you are ready to move forward, to really get the extra skills and training you may need to save your marriage (perhaps you just need more or perhaps your issues are more deeply seated than you can simply address with this training), grab my Save The Marriage System