Save Your Marriage Podcast – Page 26 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Is Your Marriage Fragile or Anti-Fragile?

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg May 15, 2019 May 13, 2019

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 15, 2019

Some marriages seem so fragile, ready to break at any time. Many times, people work hard to protect that type of marriage. It seems that anything can be the end of it!

That fragility is not baked into the marriage. It comes from a mindset, a misunderstanding. It comes from thinking that a successful marriage simply has no struggles, no difficulties.

Not true.

In fact, successful marriages take on the challenges as an opportunity for growth. That is one of the hallmarks of thriving marriages. Not just marriages that are surviving. But ones that are thriving.

Over the years, I noticed that the thriving marriages had often been through their share of bumps and bruises, struggles and strife. But they had learned from the struggles. They had found ways to come together, to stand together, in the face of the difficult times.

Those marriages that struggled? They moved from the team-approach to the me-approach: “what am I getting?,” “why should I take this?,” “I want my fair share.” And in the process, the relationship (the “team”) got pushed aside. It was all “me, me, me, you, you, you.” Not “WE.”

In today’s Save The Marriage Podcast, I use the term from business, Anti-Fragile, to describe what you are moving toward… and how to begin that shift.

Listen in to discover how you can shift from Fragile to Anti-Fragile.

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Secrets To A Conscious Partnership

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 8, 2019

When a marriage is struggle, stuck, and painful, you are likely stuck in an unconscious relationship. Unconscious dynamics continue to push and pull at both of you, leading to disagreement, dissent, and disdain.

But it does not have to get stuck there. It is possible to make a powerful shift from an unconscious relationship to a conscious partnership.

There has to be a starting point, right?

Guess what? Just knowing that you are stuck in unconscious relating IS the first step. Really, step zero. Because until you are there, you can’t take any further steps. As with most things, once we recognize that something is the problem, we have taken a huge step in getting ready to take a step to resolve.

Strange, right? Nothing has changed. But everything has changed. It is a paradigm shift. And until you make that shift, you can’t build into the new paradigm.

A full conscious partnership is your goal, whether you knew it or not. You want to be powerfully shifting into a new level of partnership where the unconscious crap does not continue to sabotage your relating. You want, instead, to be relating from a point of connection and consciousness.

Most people, at this point, tell me the “just don’t have time or energy to devote to that.” Until I point out how much time and energy they are already devoting to the hurt, pain, and discomfort of where things are. Might as well make sure the time and energy are more constructive than destructive.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I interview Alexandra Stockwell about how you can begin to build a conscious partnership. We discuss steps you can take to make a shift from the unconscious to the conscious. (For the full interview, join Relationship Rewrite for access.)

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Don’t Get Pulled Under

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 1, 2019

Every marriage crisis starts as a crisis of an individual. As it expands into the marriage, the question is whether you, the spouse, will get pulled under by the crisis.

Have you ever tried to save a drowning person?

This can be kind of like that. Get too close, and they will drag you under with them. Their desperation will overcome any sensible decision. Running purely on terror, they will flail, grab, and pull at anything that is nearby… and anyone.

And when someone is in crisis, it can certainly feel like drowning… even with no water (other than tears). The desperation is there. The flailing is there. And if you aren’t careful, you can get pulled under.

One person in crisis is enough. Two people multiples the complications and difficulties in recovering the relationship.

Don’t allow yourself to get pulled under.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss 4 rules to keep from getting pulled under.

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How Are You Showing Up?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 24, 2019

We all “show ourselves” in our interactions with others. Sometimes, we truly Show Up, bringing our best self to the relationship.

Other times, we bring an angry/resentful presence to the table. Other times, it might be a cold/distant presence. And still other times, it might be a needy/desperate presence.

As you may have guessed, an angry or distant or needy presence rarely serves the relationship or the improvement of a relationship.

Maybe you think you are just responding to what is coming your way… that you are just following your spouse’s lead… or the lead of the world around you.

But we all get to choose how we will Show Up.

We get to choose how we want to be, who we want to be, in all of our relationships. We don’t have to leave it to reaction or fear, resentment or hurt. We can choose how and who we will be in life.

How do YOU Show Up?

Listen for how to Show Up the way you want to!

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“Am I The Problem?”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 17, 2019

Maybe your spouse has been saying, “This is ALL YOUR FAULT!” Or maybe it is just you… wondering… torturing yourself… about whether this marriage crisis is your fault. Are you the problem?

Let me reassure you that you are not the first person to wonder that. People search about that on my blog. People write me to ask that same question. Many people start our coaching sessions with the same question.

So, what is the truth? Are you the problem? Did you cause the problem? Does that even help the problem?

Many times, people like to look at one single point-in-time… frequently, a point that leaves them as NOT at fault. They look for a time when they can accuse someone else, blame someone else, for the situation.

And rarely is that accurate, or even fair.

Still, we all like to point the blame elsewhere.

Let’s talk about this from a couple of perspectives. One is kind of a higher level perspective, to question the concept of blame. The other is a much more practical “what do I do?” perspective. Both get us to a better place than simply asking, “Am I the problem? Am I to blame for our marriage crisis?”

Listen below as I tackle the question: “Am I the Problem?”

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WHY Even Try? (Back2Basics)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 10, 2019

You may be wondering, “Does it even matter? Should I just let this marriage go? WHY does it matter?”

Let’s start with this: It matters! A lot!

Why does it matter?

Well, the real reason why can vary from person-to-person. It is all about finding YOUR “why”, your big reason for working on it.

Here is an important hint: the BIG Why is not about fear. It is not about fearing the loss of something. It is about what saving a marriage means to you.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss 5 reasons why saving a marriage matters. Then, I walk you through a process to discover your Big WHY’s, and how to use your Why’s to keep you on track, as you work to save your marriage.

Listen below.

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What To Do To Save Your Marriage? (Part 2)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 3, 2019

We are taking Back 2 Basics! Boiling the whole marriage crisis — and turning it around — right down to the very basics. Last week, I started a 2-part session with the 3 C’s you need to do to turn things around. (FIND THE EPISODE RIGHT HERE)

This week, I discuss HOW you carry out those 3 C’s… using the 4 C’s. Think of the last episode of giving you the targets you need to address. This is HOW you address your efforts.

Many people want to save their marriage… and they even have an idea of the areas they need to address (last episode). They may be very clear about what went wrong (the first episode of this series). But then, panic sets in. And their efforts backfire. They can’t get traction. Their spouse pushes back.

It doesn’t have to be that way! There is a simple formula for you to follow (back to basics) on how you implement your plan… the plan to address those 3 targets. 4 simple guidelines… those 4 C’s, will guide you and keep you out of trouble.

After the last episode came out, a listener/reader contacted me and said, “There is no way it is that easy.” I agreed. The process is not easy. It is, however, pretty simple and straightforward… unless you complicate it unnecessarily. Sure, it seems overwhelming. But that is the reason for this series.

To break it down into the basic pieces. To give you a simple roadmap to follow. To remind you of what is most important. Those targets? The 3 C’s? Incredibly important. Those guidelines? The 4 C’s? Incredibly important.

Let’s get this process going.

Listen below.

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What Do You Do To Save A Marriage? (Part 1)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 27, 2019

In this second episode of the Back2Basics series, we shift away from “what happened” (see the last episode) to “what now?” Sure, you want to start by understanding why marriages (including YOUR marriage) can get into trouble. But that only gets you to the start of your efforts. (I also cover this in my book, Marriage Fail Point.)

In this episode, we shift to what now? You know your marriage is in crisis. Now, you know how it got there. Let’s talk about an overall approach to saving your marriage… my 3C Approach.

When I wrote my book, How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps, I outlined these three steps. But more importantly, I noted that the approach to saving a marriage is much more simple than most people believe.

We tend to complicate things, when we really need to be simplifying, boiling things down to their essentials.

Understand: “simple” is very different than “easy.” You may find that your efforts to save your marriage are hard. Scary. Exhausting.

But don’t complicate them. Go back to the basics.

Listen below for the 3 Steps To Save Your Marriage.

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What Went Wrong?? – Back2Basics Series

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 20, 2019

It can get so overwhelming, all the information coming at you! What you want is to save your marriage. But you are probably already overwhelmed with the situation… much less, getting help for your situation!

Sometimes, it is just time to “get back to basics.” This B2B series is my attempt to take it down to simplicity… what happened, why did it happen, and what do you do?

In this episode of the podcast (listen below), we take a look at what happened: how your marriage got into trouble, how your relationship got disconnected, and how your marriage slid into crisis.

Since we don’t get much help in understanding what marriage is about (much less, how to be married), it shouldn’t be a surprise that marriages DO get into trouble. The question is, when you find you are in a crisis, what do you do to get yourself and your marriage to a better place?

And so, we start with what went wrong. Discover how a marriage stalls, why it starts falling, and how it ends up in a nosedive.

Listen to the episode below.

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3 Turning Points of Saving Your Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 13, 2019

Many times, people contact me to tell me that their marriage is… well… continuing to spiral down, in spite of their efforts.

Over the years, I have noted some “turning points,” when things often start turning around. And I want to share 3 of these turning points with you.

Here is the good news: all 3 turning points I note are 100% within your control. Yes, there are other events and actions that can also turn things (or at least, start turning things). It is not JUST these 3 turning points. There are others.

But these turning points I chose to highlight are ones you can choose at any time and at any point.

To be clear, just because you make a change, that does not guarantee that things WILL turn around. (I would be able to retire, if that were the case.) It’s just that these actions often are the turning points in the effort to save your marriage.

Will making the 3 turns guarantee a saved marriage? No. But they may just make a shift. Playing the odds, doesn’t it make sense to give the 3 turning points a chance for change?

Listen to the podcast episode below for the 3 Turning Points.

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