Save Your Marriage Podcast – Page 24 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

The Fatal Triangle (Don’t Be Sabotaged)

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg December 5, 2018 December 5, 2018

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 5, 2018

You want to save your marriage. Maybe you even have a plan put together, ready to go. Or maybe you have even started the process.

This episode of the podcast is cautionary. A warning. But the warning is not about NOT saving your marriage, but the possibility of your efforts falling apart.

It may have nothing to do with your plan.

Nothing to do with your understanding.

Worse yet, nothing to do with your spouse.

It is possible that a trio of dynamics can torpedo and destroy your plans and your efforts. Those dynamics can be fatal to your hopes and dreams. To your possibility of saving your marriage.

And this trio, this “fatal triangle”? They have nothing to do with your spouse or your plans. They emerge from within you. Tripping you up.

Unless you understand them and know how to defeat them.

Don’t let this trio, the Fatal Triangle, defeat you and your efforts!

Listen to the episode for full details

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Anger, Blame, Shame & Responsibility

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 28, 2018

Do you ever feel like you are dancing with your spouse… and not a fun dance??

Most of the time, couples get into habits. They both know the steps, and they just keep going through them, 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2-3….

No, the dances aren’t particularly helpful. And yes, we keep dancing them, anyway!

One dance that many couples fall into is the Anger-Blame-Shame 3-step. And that particular dance? It keeps on repeating. Except that the anger grows. So does the blaming.

And so does the feeling of shame! “Why can’t I/we figure this out?”, they wonder.

And then, they dance it again.

How can you stop the dance? How can you find better steps? Better ways of moving through life?

That is the topic of this podcast episode (listen below). I tell you about those dance steps and why we do them… along with how to make a shift.

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Avoiding The Blow-Up

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 14, 2018

Slowly, slowly… you are making progress! You keep working on turning your marriage around… and it is working!

Maybe you think it isn’t moving fast enough. Or maybe you have just been holding all of those emotions, fears, and hurts, in… and they start to grow. You can feel it!

But you try hard not to let it out. To keep on moving forward. To keep on making connections.

Until…

Maybe it was something small…

Maybe it was yet one more little thing (or even a medium thing… maybe even a big thing!)…

And BOOM! You blow up!

You use a tone you wish you hadn’t. You say things you wish you hadn’t. You do things you wish you hadn’t.

BLOW UP!

… and then it passes.

But the damage is done.

Your efforts can feel like they have been in vain.

So, let’s talk about what to do BEFORE the blow-up! It is much easier to stay ahead of the problem than to catch up and rebuild after the problem.

Listen to this week’s podcast episode below.

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When Is It Too Toxic?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 7, 2018

You probably know that I’m on the side of your marriage. I’m all about saving a marriage.

But does that mean that EVERY marriage will be saved, or even should be saved?

No.

First, there are times when BOTH people want to leave the marriage. At that point, there is nothing that WILL save the marriage. There has to be energy from AT LEAST one person, in order for anything to change.

Second, there are times when the toxicity level is high, creating a toxic situation for the spouses. In fact, there are 3 times when it MAY be too toxic. And there is 1 time when it absolutely too toxic to work on the marriage.

Let me tell you 5 symptoms of elevated toxicity, 3 times you may need to step back, and 1 time you definitely need to step back from the marriage.

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The 4th C

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 31, 2018

Over the years, I developed some direct and simple ways to save your marriage (simple is not the same as easy — it still takes effort!). One piece of my approach was what I called “The 3 C’s” — being Calm, Constant, and Consistent.

These “3 C’s” aren’t really about what you do, but how you do it… how you carry out your plan (something I discuss in my System and share with my VIP members in a “fill-in-the-blank plan”).

Over the years, those 3 C’s have been a mantra for my clients… the reminder that keeps them moving in helpful ways when panic is pulling at them. This mantra keeps the process moving in productive ways, creating profound changes in the relationship.

Many times, those 3 C’s are the difference between a plan working and failing, between successfully saving a marriage and failure.

Last week, one of the members of my VIP group noted that she needed to add a 4th C. And then, she pointed out what should have been obvious… there IS a 4th C! And it is something I have discussed before… but failed to include as an important (and daily) C in the process.

That 4th C? Courage.

In this week’s podcast episode, I cover the first 3 C’s, then tell you how that 4th C fits into your efforts. Here’s how you work your plan… be sure and listen in!

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Don’t Let Emotions Choose…

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 24, 2018

It’s a false belief in our culture that we need to “trust our gut” and “follow our emotions.” Emotions change. Feelings shift. And we can’t even say what our emotions are, much of the time.

Sure, you can feel an emotion. But tell me what it is? What it means? Why it is there right now… and might be gone in 5 minutes? Or tomorrow?

Let’s be clear: a hurting marriage is painful. Conflict is tough. Not connecting with someone close to you is frustrating. But does that mean that it is time to give up and walk away? What if your emotions are all over the place, making you feel like you need to give up and walk away.

Is that a reason to give up?

Notice: “feel like” is seen as a “reason.”

Many people tell me they just need to “follow their emotions.” I remind them that there is a group of people who do this… children — around 3 years old! Because they think that the emotion is truth. They are angry, so they throw a fit. 5 minutes later, the anger is gone, so they are happy to play. Until the next upheaval.

Part of maturity is recognizing that emotions are temporal. And we don’t have to react to an emotion. We can choose our response.

Especially around things like marriage. Important things.

Listen to this podcast episode to learn more.

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The Myth That Murders Marriages

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 10, 2018

There are lots of myths about marriage. But there is one myth that comes up over and over. In fact, the trap for this myth is set at the very early stages of every relationship.

The question is whether you step into the trap or not. Will the myth trip you up and start the deterioration of your marriage? Or a better question: has it already damaged your marriage?

How is the trap set?

Think back to the beginning of your relationship. The early days. When you were so happy to have found that “one.” Remember how giddy it felt to hear from that special person? How happy you were to see each other? How much better life seemed? It was intoxicating.

And plays directly into this myth.

This myth is all about marriage and happiness… and the role of a spouse.

Listen to this week’s podcast to understand this myth… and why it is so dangerous!

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My Method and Why It Works

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 3, 2018

When a marriage is in trouble, the first place many people turn to is the internet. Where most people discover quite a plethora of information.

But what to trust? What to do?

Remember that even Google says they are a “search engine, not a truth engine.” In other words, they just give you search results. Not an evaluation of the results.

So, some people just dive right in, grabbing information on top of information, believing that if it has to do with “saving a marriage,” it must all fit together.

This is patently false. And it leads to trouble.

Some advice is very manipulative. Some is simply misguided. Lots is based on anecdotal evidence — the author somehow saved his or her marriage and thinks it applies across the board (it rarely does).

How do you pick through the advice and information?

I do my best to be transparent on what I teach. I rely on 3 decades of experience as a coach and therapist, 30 years in my own marriage, and lots of research.

And I will tell you exactly what I teach… along with why I teach it. Then, you can make your own decision on what path to follow.

Listen to this week’s podcast episode for what I suggest and why I suggest it.

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What Happy Couples Do Differently – Series

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 26, 2018

Every marriage has problems. Every single one.

But about 50% figure out a way to stay together, even when there are problems.

And then there are those happy couples. The ones who have it dialed in, figured out, and are happy.

Here’s the thing: success always leaves a trail. If you want to move to that place, to have a marriage that is happy and rewarding, you can learn for those that made it.

In the What Happy Couples Do Differently series, I discuss 11 things that happy couples know and do differently.

Listen to the episodes below to follow the trail to a happy marriage:

What Happy Couples Do Differently About Conflict

What Happy Couples Do Differently About Connection

What Happy Couples Do Differently About Companionship

If you are ready to make a shift and become a happy couple, too, it is time to grab my Save The Marriage System. Discover what happened, how to shift, and how to build a marriage you BOTH will treasure and protect. Become a Happy Couple!

CLICK HERE TO GRAB THE SAVE THE MARRIAGE SYSTEM

Relationship Fears and Insecurities

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 12, 2018

Fears. They can certainly derail us humans!

A few episodes ago, I noted some fears that can sabotage your efforts to save your marriage.

But what about relationship fears? Just those basic fears and insecurities that we all carry with us in relationships?

Yep, we all have them. 2 basic fears. And those 2 fears? They pull against each other. One can trigger the other in couples. We all have both, but tend to have a tendency to one fear or the other. And when that fear is triggered, it often triggers the opposite fear in a spouse.

Which, by the way, increases the fear in the other.

Those two fears?

Fear of Intimacy
Fear of Abandonment

Let’s talk about what those fears are about, why we have them, what triggers them, and why it becomes such an issue in marriage.

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