Save Your Marriage Podcast – Page 8 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Helping or Hurting??

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg January 4, 2023 January 3, 2023

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 4, 2023

You’ve been working on saving your marriage… and you aren’t seeing the traction you want. Or maybe is just isn’t moving as fast as you would like.

Sometimes, it can take more time than you think or want.

But are there times that your efforts are doing more harm than good?

Are there times you are hurting, not helping, your relationship and your chances at saving it?

Yes.

There are common situations I see in my coaching, where someone’s efforts to save a marriage are actually doing more harm than good. Interestingly, people make the same mistakes others have made.

More interestingly, they are easy to see when they are pointed out. And more importantly, they can be corrected, once you can see them.

So, let’s talk about the times when people do more harm than good in their efforts to save a marriage.

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A-ha Moment or Slow Turn-Around?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 14, 2022

You’ve been following my 4 C’s to work on the 3 C’s of saving your marriage, right? (Hang with me if that seems like gibberish — just me trying to make it simple. I explain it in this episode/)

Maybe you can see some ground you are gaining, progress you are making.

Which may lead you to wonder how this all turns around. Will it be all-of-the-sudden, in an “aha” moment, or will it be a slow, steady climb to normality and love in the relationship?

It is a great question. And one that “D” sent to me, hoping I would respond on the Save The Marriage Podcast.

And I did! I cover it on this week’s episode.

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Your Spouse Isn’t…

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 30, 2022

Many times, I have someone telling me what their spouse should be. How they should act, what they should do… and what they should do, particularly, for the spouse. Rarely are they telling me what a spouse is, but should be.

There is an immediate problem (or a few) right there. You see, “should” is based in shame and expectation. And we don’t use it when someone is doing what we want. It is when they are not.

As I have discussed in other episodes, expectations almost always end badly. It is a dead-end street that does nothing useful for any relationship. But especially a marriage!

I often watch couples (or one spouse) struggle with wanting things a spouse cannot give. And when that happens, it slowly moves a marriage to hurt, resentment, disappointment, and even disdain.

All because of an expectation that can’t be met.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I look at 5 things a spouse is NOT (and cannot be). Then, we spend some time discussing what a spouse CAN be (once you get past the disconnection and hurt).

Listen below.

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The Last Thing You May Be Feeling… And Shifting

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 23, 2022

This may be the last thing you are feeling… but it should be first!

What is it? Gratitude. Appreciation. Thankfulness.

Here we are, staring right down the barrel at Thanksgiving (if you are in the States). And if you are caught in a marriage crisis, you may not be “feeling it.”

But as I often tell people who ask me if I am ready for some Holiday, “It doesn’t matter, it’s coming, anyway!”

Maybe you aren’t feeling it. Just the same, Thanksgiving is here. Mixed feelings or not, the day comes.

That day we set aside for being thankful, feeling it or not. Wanting it or not.

And yet, the day commemorates the day when those settlers, having trekked to the new world, had faced down grim circumstances. They weathered it (literally), and many didn’t make it. Nor were they out of the woods, yet! Another winter was quickly approaching.

Which is why they found it important to stop and be thankful. Not pretending that there was no struggle, but seeing that there was more to life than just the struggle. There was also much for which they could be grateful.

The same is true for us.

So, here are some resources to help you make an important shift, both for your sake and for the sake of your marriage.

Gratitude In The Midst Of Crisis

How Gratitude Can Transform Your Marriage

What Thriving People Know About Gratitude And Appreciation

2 Targets To Thrive

The Next Phase: Chronic or Thriving?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 16, 2022

Has the crisis in your marriage passed… but you aren’t sure where things are now?

Well, that would put you in good company! I have been asking for listener questions, and noticed this was the theme for quite a few.

What’s the theme? The immediate crisis has passed. The separation or divorce is off the table. The affair is over. The spouse has returned to the home or bedroom. For most, communication was much improved. For many, lots of things had improved.

Several told me how they had used my program and were closer now than ever before.

But….

And this is where there is often some diversity of answers. Things felt stuck/stagnant/in limbo. Physical contact and connection was still missing. Trust was still struggling.

In other words, they had left the crisis phase of things, but were now in a chronic phase. The marriage was not fixed. It just was no longer on life-support.

So, what now?

Well, I discuss it in this episode of the podcast. You can listen below.

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Is It Too Toxic??

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 9, 2022

You probably know that I’m on the side of your marriage. I’m all about saving a marriage.

But does that mean that EVERY marriage will be saved, or even should be saved?

No.

First, there are times when BOTH people want to leave the marriage. At that point, there is nothing that WILL save the marriage. There has to be energy from AT LEAST one person, in order for anything to change.

Second, there are times when the toxicity level is high, creating a toxic situation for the spouses. In fact, there are 3 times when it MAY be too toxic. And there is 1 time when it absolutely too toxic to work on the marriage.

Let me tell you 5 symptoms of elevated toxicity, 3 times you may need to step back, and 1 time you definitely need to step back from the marriage.

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The Dangers of Emotions and Decisions

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 2, 2022

It’s a false belief in our culture that we need to “trust our gut” and “follow our emotions.” Emotions change. Feelings shift. And we can’t even say what our emotions are, much of the time.

Sure, you can feel an emotion. But tell me what it is? What it means? Why it is there right now… and might be gone in 5 minutes? Or tomorrow?

Let’s be clear: a hurting marriage is painful. Conflict is tough. Not connecting with someone close to you is frustrating. But does that mean that it is time to give up and walk away? What if your emotions are all over the place, making you feel like you need to give up and walk away.

Is that a reason to give up?

Notice: “feel like” is seen as a “reason.”

Many people tell me they just need to “follow their emotions.” I remind them that there is a group of people who do this… children — around 3 years old! Because they think that the emotion is truth. They are angry, so they throw a fit. 5 minutes later, the anger is gone, so they are happy to play. Until the next upheaval.

Part of maturity is recognizing that emotions are temporal. And we don’t have to react to an emotion. We can choose our response.

Especially around things like marriage. Important things.

Listen to this podcast episode to learn more.

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Why “Limbo” is a Lie

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 26, 2022

Do you feel like you are stuck in limbo? That crazy spot where you can’t move forward, but aren’t ending things? Is it a spouse who has you stuck there?

Well, that was the situation for “J.” He wrote me because his spouse could not decide on whether to stay or go, work on things or walk away.

He told me he was stuck in Limbo, didn’t know what to do, and didn’t know how to get his spouse to work on the relationship.

What should he do??

I respond to J’s question in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. And it may just be where you find yourself, too. Not able to move forward, but not ready to walk away.

How do you deal with “Limbo”? We discuss it. Listen below.

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Midlife Marriage Crisis and Connecting

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 5, 2022

Mid Life Crisis… the butt of many jokes. And a crisis for many marriages! I have seen several studies that challenged whether there is such a thing as a mid life crisis. I don’t find many of my therapist or coach friends wondering that. We see it every day.

And I see the strain a MLC can place on an already-hurting marriage. If the marriage is disconnected already, a MLC turns into a MLMC (mid life marriage crisis). Which often leads to compounding issues, like an affair.

What can you do, if your spouse is having a mid life crisis? And what if it is complicated by an affair?

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss what a MLC is, when it can become a MLMC, and what to do in response. Even if there is an affair.

(Why this episode? Because a listener asked. If you have a question — a Goldilocks question, as I discuss in the episode — you can send it here.)

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Stuck in Questioning??

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 28, 2022

Are you stuck questioning whether your spouse is the RIGHT spouse, whether your love is REAL, whether there is someone ELSE, or maybe your spouse is being unfaithful?

That is often very normal.

To a degree.

It is entirely normal for people in regular, normal, healthy relationships to have questions that just pop up from time-to-time. That is just what our brain does. It tosses out “bait” of thoughts, to see which ones you bite on (which just sets the hook) and which ones pass. Which ones you LET pass.

And there are times, when a relationship is toxic, that you have those thoughts because your mind is trying to get your attention — to get you to ACT.

And then, there is a third category. When those thoughts become obsessive. When they keep you stuck. There are some clinicians that refer to this as ROCD — Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

The problem is, those 3 points can be, ummmm… less than clear.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I answer a listener’s question as a way of jumping into thinking about thoughts. When does it matter and what can you do about it?

Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Thinking about Thoughts
Relying on Commitment
Save The Marriage System
My Books

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