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Turning Conflict Into Intimacy

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg October 30, 2019 October 21, 2019

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 30, 2019

Relationships of any depth and any magnitude are going to hit up against conflict. It is just the nature of being close to someone. You are going to have differences that emerge. It is not a question of if, but when those differences appear. And then there is another question: how do you deal with the conflict? Does it serve to push you apart or does it pull you together?

In marriage, you are tying your life to the life of a spouse. That intensifies the potential for conflict, and the importance of that conflict. If someone else’s life has no real bearing on mine, I can disregard and ignore our differences… and we can even go our separate ways.

But in marriage, you pledge to move through those tough times, to find a way that works for both of you. And that raises the potential for the conflict.

For many couples, conflict only serves to divide and separate, not strengthen and pull together. Which means that an opportunity has been missed. A bridge has been lost.

On this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, my guest is Mari Frank. What makes Mari’s outlook interesting is that she is an attorney. A divorce attorney. Not one who likes to take relationships apart, but an attorney who sees the sadness of relationships that could survive, that still have potential… where the spouses can’t see a way through their conflict.

After Mari watched marriages ending unnecessarily, she decided to do something. She used the skills developed over the years of navigating negotiation and mediation to help couples get below their surface issues and resolve their deeper conflicts.

And she realized that couples could do this before they landed in her office! Before their marriage was in jeopardy! Not only that, the conflict actually created a path to intimacy, if the couple followed it.

This led to her book, Fighting for Love. And in this episode of the podcast, it leads to our discussion of how conflict can be turned into intimacy

Listen in as Mari and I discuss the 6 A’s To A Long Relationship, and how to use HARD LOVE to get out of conflict.

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Your Questions About Infidelity, part 2

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 23, 2019

In the last episode, I answered questions about infidelity and marriage. Well, I started answering questions. Since I started asking for your questions, I have received quite a few about affairs and infidelity. So, I continue answering questions in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

Last episode, we focused more on what to do while there is an affair, emotional or physical.

This episode focuses a bit more on the aftermath. What do you do when the affair is ending/has ended? Especially if there is still contact!

What do you do with those thoughts and fears? What do you do about trust? How do you rebuild the relationship in the shadow of cheating? Especially if the cheating spouse is not doing what you want them to do in the recovery process?

And by the way, what’s “normal” in an upside-down reality?

We cover that and more!

Listen below for my answers to listener questions on infidelity (part 2)

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Your Questions About Infidelity, Part 1

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 16, 2019

Someone cheated. What now? Can a marriage survive infidelity, either physical or emotional? Can a relationship recover after an affair?

Over the past while, I have been answering listener questions (you can submit by emailing here). And this week, we turn our attention to the subject of infidelity and affairs (both physical and emotional).

To be honest, I receive more questions on this topic than any other (which is the reason I wrote the book on recovering from an affair). So, this is only part 1 of my answers.

Affairs and infidelity affect many marriages. They are a risk during a marriage crisis, and they deepen a crisis already happening. Infidelity is less a cause of the actual crisis, and more a symptom. But a discovered affair is often the first clear sign of the depths of crisis.

How do you deal with your emotions? How do you deal with your spouse? And how about that other person?

We touch on this and many other issues in the episode below. Listen in.

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Struggling with Separation

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 9, 2019

Is separation the best scenario for saving a marriage?

No. Many times, a separation ends up being a “dress rehearsal for divorce.” Living separately creates patterns of separation. Connection becomes more difficult.

But is it all for naught?

Not necessarily.

For a number of episodes now, I have been answering questions from listeners (you can email your questions to [email protected]).

In this episode, I answer questions from 3 listeners about their separation concerns: building connection during a separation, dealing with relationships that develop during a separation, and how to rebuild trust after a separation.

If you are struggling with a separation, whether before, during, or after, you need to listen in to this episode as I address the struggles with separation.

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Dealing with Indifference…

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 2, 2019

For awhile, I have been answering listener-submitted questions, and continue to do so in this episode (if YOU want to ask a question, send it to [email protected]).

This week, I respond to a couple of questions about a spouse’s indifference and/or resistance to attempts at connection.

It can be frustrating when you so desperately want to rebuild a marriage. Maybe your spouse claims to want the same. Maybe your spouse just doesn’t respond much at all. A little conversation… that goes nowhere. Or attempts at conversation… that go nowhere. It can feel frustrating and defeating.

How should you understand the situation?

What can you do about it?

Can you make progress?

We discuss these questions (and more) in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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“Why Should I Try? Don’t Tell Me What To Do!”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 25, 2019

Jared was a bit more pointed in his question. But to be fair, I HAVE been asking for people to submit questions. And he did.

He told me straight up, “You tell me to connect with my spouse. Well, I’ve been trying to do that. If I’ve been trying and it isn’t working, what are you gonna teach me that will make a difference?”

Fair question.

So I responded to it in this episode of the podcast.

Jared continues on about my “Easy” approach to saving a marriage. So, just to clarify here and in my podcast, I never said “Easy.” I did say “Simple.” Many things are simple, but not easy. Never confuse the two. My attempt is to simplify the process, so that you do not get overwhelmed. This is not some “self-working, no effort necessary” approach. Anyone who claims to have that is simply lying.

On the other hand, I think I can clarify and simplify the process, so that you know exactly what to do.

But I tell you why in the podcast.

And no, Jared, you don not “have” to do anything. But if you want to do something to work on your marriage, I am here to help. So, let’s talk. First, listen to the episode below for my response to your question.

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Moving Forward… One Way or The Other…

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 18, 2019

“I need some encouragement,” the note ended. The writer is a listener of my podcast and admitted the hard work that has gone into trying to save his marriage.

At the same time, another listener asked about whether this effort — the work to save her marriage — was just a “waste of time.” Could I, the writer wanted to know, point to some hope? Some reason to continue the efforts.

If you haven’t felt like these two writers, I’d be surprised. And would be super-surprised if it did not emerge at some point in the process.

Working on a marriage crisis can feel like a slow slog through a deep bog, hip-high in quicksand and sludge. It can feel like it threatens to pull you under.

Those are the times we need some encouragement and direction. Some… as one asked… hope, and as the other asked… encouragement.

I don’t believe in false hope. I tell it like it is… and encourage you to take the steps you need to take. I shoot straight and tell the truth. So, first, let me say that I do not (and have never) claim that every marriage can be saved. Even if you do everything right, your spouse may still refuse to move toward the relationship.

I also know that there are two good outcomes. First is to save your marriage. Second is to rest assured that you did everything you could do to save your marriage.

My encouragement: There is one way through this. And that is THROUGH this. Regardless of outcome, YOU WILL BE OK. And YOU get to choose how you respond to this and every other challenge in life. So respond the best you can. Do your best. Rest in that knowledge.

Oh, and make sure you prepare yourself to do your best. Equip and execute. You’ve GOT this!

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Depression And Your Marriage Crisis

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 11, 2019

Lately on the podcast, I have been answering listener questions. And quite a few have come in about how depression affects a marriage. Does depression cause a crisis? Or do people get depressed because of the crisis? Or… and this is more central to the question… how do you deal with depression and a marriage crisis?

Depression is a reality for many people. And depression is a part of a marriage crisis many times.

The question is how you move through both crises: depression and a marriage crisis.

In this podcast, I discuss the effects of depression, some thoughts about causation, and how to deal with the depression while addressing the relationship crisis.

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The Affair… and The Aftermath

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 4, 2019

Question: does an affair cause marital problems or do marital problems cause affairs?

Answer: YES.

Longer answer: for the majority of affairs, weak points in the marriage create a vulnerability to infidelity. There is another necessary element… but problems do cause vulnerability. But when infidelity is committed, the problem deepens. Affairs end up creating both a personal and a marital crisis… often for both spouses.

And then, there is the aftermath… what comes AFTER the affair is ended.

In this episode of the podcast, I tackle two submitted questions:

“What causes an affair? Why did it happen in OUR marriage?”

and

“What is the typical aftermath in an affair for the spouse who broke it off?”

In these two cases, the questions are not academic. They are wound up in the marital crisis that is unwinding… or stuck… and infidelity is a major issue.

If you are in the midst of a marital crisis, your relationship could be vulnerable… and if your spouse (or you) has committed infidelity, this can help you understand what might happen when the affair is ended.

Listen below.

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“How Long?” Trust, Trauma, and Towels

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 28, 2019

I’m still answering your questions! If you have a question you want me to cover on the podcast, just SEND ME AN EMAIL HERE.

Today, we cover “time.” Or more specifically, “How Long?” The questions come from 2 listeners, “B” and “J.”

B asked about how long it takes to recover from broken trust. He follows up with wondering about PTSD symptoms and breaking trust. If your relationship suffers from broken trust, I cover the issue of healing time… and what you can do about that time.

I also go into some discussion about trust and trauma, to make sure you understand how that might affect your relationship.

And J is interested in how long to keep up the efforts before you “throw in the towel.” J says that they are in a “lock.” I disagree, and I cover how to think through the stuck spot… what it means, why you might be wrong, and how to keep on moving forward.

Trauma, Time, and Towels. I cover them in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Don’t miss it! Listen below.

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