Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to! – Page 26 – Are you ready to save your marriage? Let's get started!

How Are You Showing Up?

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg April 24, 2019 April 22, 2019

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 24, 2019

We all “show ourselves” in our interactions with others. Sometimes, we truly Show Up, bringing our best self to the relationship.

Other times, we bring an angry/resentful presence to the table. Other times, it might be a cold/distant presence. And still other times, it might be a needy/desperate presence.

As you may have guessed, an angry or distant or needy presence rarely serves the relationship or the improvement of a relationship.

Maybe you think you are just responding to what is coming your way… that you are just following your spouse’s lead… or the lead of the world around you.

But we all get to choose how we will Show Up.

We get to choose how we want to be, who we want to be, in all of our relationships. We don’t have to leave it to reaction or fear, resentment or hurt. We can choose how and who we will be in life.

How do YOU Show Up?

Listen for how to Show Up the way you want to!

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“Am I The Problem?”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 17, 2019

Maybe your spouse has been saying, “This is ALL YOUR FAULT!” Or maybe it is just you… wondering… torturing yourself… about whether this marriage crisis is your fault. Are you the problem?

Let me reassure you that you are not the first person to wonder that. People search about that on my blog. People write me to ask that same question. Many people start our coaching sessions with the same question.

So, what is the truth? Are you the problem? Did you cause the problem? Does that even help the problem?

Many times, people like to look at one single point-in-time… frequently, a point that leaves them as NOT at fault. They look for a time when they can accuse someone else, blame someone else, for the situation.

And rarely is that accurate, or even fair.

Still, we all like to point the blame elsewhere.

Let’s talk about this from a couple of perspectives. One is kind of a higher level perspective, to question the concept of blame. The other is a much more practical “what do I do?” perspective. Both get us to a better place than simply asking, “Am I the problem? Am I to blame for our marriage crisis?”

Listen below as I tackle the question: “Am I the Problem?”

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WHY Even Try? (Back2Basics)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 10, 2019

You may be wondering, “Does it even matter? Should I just let this marriage go? WHY does it matter?”

Let’s start with this: It matters! A lot!

Why does it matter?

Well, the real reason why can vary from person-to-person. It is all about finding YOUR “why”, your big reason for working on it.

Here is an important hint: the BIG Why is not about fear. It is not about fearing the loss of something. It is about what saving a marriage means to you.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss 5 reasons why saving a marriage matters. Then, I walk you through a process to discover your Big WHY’s, and how to use your Why’s to keep you on track, as you work to save your marriage.

Listen below.

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What To Do To Save Your Marriage? (Part 2)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 3, 2019

We are taking Back 2 Basics! Boiling the whole marriage crisis — and turning it around — right down to the very basics. Last week, I started a 2-part session with the 3 C’s you need to do to turn things around. (FIND THE EPISODE RIGHT HERE)

This week, I discuss HOW you carry out those 3 C’s… using the 4 C’s. Think of the last episode of giving you the targets you need to address. This is HOW you address your efforts.

Many people want to save their marriage… and they even have an idea of the areas they need to address (last episode). They may be very clear about what went wrong (the first episode of this series). But then, panic sets in. And their efforts backfire. They can’t get traction. Their spouse pushes back.

It doesn’t have to be that way! There is a simple formula for you to follow (back to basics) on how you implement your plan… the plan to address those 3 targets. 4 simple guidelines… those 4 C’s, will guide you and keep you out of trouble.

After the last episode came out, a listener/reader contacted me and said, “There is no way it is that easy.” I agreed. The process is not easy. It is, however, pretty simple and straightforward… unless you complicate it unnecessarily. Sure, it seems overwhelming. But that is the reason for this series.

To break it down into the basic pieces. To give you a simple roadmap to follow. To remind you of what is most important. Those targets? The 3 C’s? Incredibly important. Those guidelines? The 4 C’s? Incredibly important.

Let’s get this process going.

Listen below.

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What Do You Do To Save A Marriage? (Part 1)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 27, 2019

In this second episode of the Back2Basics series, we shift away from “what happened” (see the last episode) to “what now?” Sure, you want to start by understanding why marriages (including YOUR marriage) can get into trouble. But that only gets you to the start of your efforts. (I also cover this in my book, Marriage Fail Point.)

In this episode, we shift to what now? You know your marriage is in crisis. Now, you know how it got there. Let’s talk about an overall approach to saving your marriage… my 3C Approach.

When I wrote my book, How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps, I outlined these three steps. But more importantly, I noted that the approach to saving a marriage is much more simple than most people believe.

We tend to complicate things, when we really need to be simplifying, boiling things down to their essentials.

Understand: “simple” is very different than “easy.” You may find that your efforts to save your marriage are hard. Scary. Exhausting.

But don’t complicate them. Go back to the basics.

Listen below for the 3 Steps To Save Your Marriage.

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What Went Wrong?? – Back2Basics Series

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 20, 2019

It can get so overwhelming, all the information coming at you! What you want is to save your marriage. But you are probably already overwhelmed with the situation… much less, getting help for your situation!

Sometimes, it is just time to “get back to basics.” This B2B series is my attempt to take it down to simplicity… what happened, why did it happen, and what do you do?

In this episode of the podcast (listen below), we take a look at what happened: how your marriage got into trouble, how your relationship got disconnected, and how your marriage slid into crisis.

Since we don’t get much help in understanding what marriage is about (much less, how to be married), it shouldn’t be a surprise that marriages DO get into trouble. The question is, when you find you are in a crisis, what do you do to get yourself and your marriage to a better place?

And so, we start with what went wrong. Discover how a marriage stalls, why it starts falling, and how it ends up in a nosedive.

Listen to the episode below.

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3 Turning Points of Saving Your Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 13, 2019

Many times, people contact me to tell me that their marriage is… well… continuing to spiral down, in spite of their efforts.

Over the years, I have noted some “turning points,” when things often start turning around. And I want to share 3 of these turning points with you.

Here is the good news: all 3 turning points I note are 100% within your control. Yes, there are other events and actions that can also turn things (or at least, start turning things). It is not JUST these 3 turning points. There are others.

But these turning points I chose to highlight are ones you can choose at any time and at any point.

To be clear, just because you make a change, that does not guarantee that things WILL turn around. (I would be able to retire, if that were the case.) It’s just that these actions often are the turning points in the effort to save your marriage.

Will making the 3 turns guarantee a saved marriage? No. But they may just make a shift. Playing the odds, doesn’t it make sense to give the 3 turning points a chance for change?

Listen to the podcast episode below for the 3 Turning Points.

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Why People Get Derailed

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 6, 2019

When a marriage crisis hits, people kick into gear! They dig in and work on their relationship. Many times, they start to see results. Things are turning for the better. The relationship is warming. Things aren’t quite so hostile.

But then….

They get derailed. Thrown off-course. Lost in the crisis.

Not surprisingly, any gains made are quickly lost. Things become even more tense and fractured.

Why did they get derailed? Four reasons: Distracted, Distanced, Doubtful, and Discouraged.

I go into each of these… as well as how to avoid falling into the trap and getting derailed… in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast. You can listen below.

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Why “Space” Is Hard

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 27, 2019

So many marital crises start with this phrase, “I’m not happy.” In panic mode, a spouse reacts and things get worse.

The next step is often, “I need space.” But that is even scarier! And in panic mode, a spouse reacts and things get worse.

Maybe an in-house separation. Maybe a full separation. Emotional separation becomes physical separation.

All from a spouse stating an emotional state of concern: “I’m not happy.”

One part of dealing with a marital crisis is dealing with “emotional space.” It is crucial to understand emotional space.

Today, I want to discuss why that emotional space is so difficult to manage. Why do people get sucked into taking actions that cause more issues? Why do people find it so hard to give a spouse that requested “space”?

We discuss why “space” is so hard on this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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Before You Separate

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 20, 2019

You don’t want it. But your spouse insists. A separation has to happen.

Or maybe you thought you wanted a separation… hoping it would help. But after reading my stuff or listening to my podcasts, you might realize that this is NOT the best idea.

In fact, you realize that you have now escalated the crisis by not a little, but a lot! This is not an incrimental shift. It is much bigger.

So, now what?

What do you do to try and minimize the damage… even setting up the separation so that there is a way back?

Most people think separation might just be a way of getting things back “on track.” But not if you don’t set it up that way. Not if you don’t plan for resolution.

Separation does not have to be a disaster. But without planning, it often is.

In this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss what you need to do BEFORE you separate… so that it leads back to marriage.

Listen to the episode below.

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