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5 Truths Every Couple Should Know

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg June 27, 2018 June 27, 2018

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 27, 2018

Many of my podcast episodes are really aimed at those in the midst of some marriage crisis. Maybe it is hanging on by a thread. Perhaps it is just in the beginning stages.

Today, I want to share some information that applies to every single marriage — happy or hurting, starting or staying, even barely hanging on. If you are at the beginning of a marriage — this applies! If you are struggling through — this applies! If you aren’t sure if it will survive — this applies!

A few weeks ago, a reporter asked for some truths for couples. After nearly 3 decades of working with couples, and almost 30 years of marriage, those truths were pretty quick to come to mind.

And after I was done talking, I realized that I needed to share the information in my podcast, so that you could access it, too.

Please, feel free to share it with others who are married, so they know the truth about marriage — and can build a great relationship!

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Marriage and The Goldilocks Principle

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 20, 2018

Remember that children’s story? Goldilocks, lost in the woods, stumbles upon the bear family home — which they had just left. Inside, she finds one bowl of porridge too hot, one too cold, and one just right. Same with chairs: one too soft, one too hard, and one just right. Same with beds: one too soft, one too hard, and one just right. Goldilocks picks (duh) the “just right” option and falls asleep.

But remember: the too hot/cold, too hard/soft items were not too hard/soft, hot/cold for other members of the bear family. We all have “just rights” that are just right to us — not to others.

And that is true with marriage. Healthy marriages are built to be “just right” to both people. In hurting marriages, it may not be “just right” for either. Or it may only be “just right” to one. Both situations can cause strife, conflict, and pain.

This week, let’s talk about how the “Goldilocks Principle” applies to marriage — and how you might be able to get to a “just right” relationship.

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3 Ways To Absolutely Guarantee Marital Therapy Will Fail

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 13, 2018

There it is, right on my website: marital therapy is not particularly effective. And yet, people often contact me to ask, “Where can I get therapy?”

Why?

Because our culture is psychologized and therapized, for good or bad.

So let me be crystal clear: I am NOT across-the-board opposed to marital therapy. There are excellent therapists out there. And there are excellent approaches out there.

It just isn’t guaranteed that you will find the right therapist, or that you and your spouse will approach therapy in a way that will be effective.

Which is the two parts of the problem: Therapist issues and client issues.

This week, I want to discuss 3 ways to really guarantee that your marriage therapy will fail. One is all about the therapist you choose. Two ways are about how you use the therapy.

And here is the super-cool thing: if you know these 3 ways to absolutely guarantee failure… you can avoid them! Then, therapy (if you so choose it) has a chance of helping… and not harming… your relationship.

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Of Apologies and Forgiving

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 6, 2018

We all have hurts from close relationships — and especially in marriages. It is impossible to be in such an intimate relationship and not bump into each other (in hurtful ways) over and over. The problem is when the hurts don’t heal.

Bumps, they happen. Continued pain and hurt from the bumps, that doesn’t have to happen.

Yet, many times, I watch couples dragging the hurts around for way to long. Weeks, months, even years. Not noticing the damage that is happening to the relationship along the way.

There are two parts to the process of healing: apology and forgiving. But, and this is important, they are not dependent upon each other. They are separate. Sometimes, people lump them together. And while they are related, one does not link to the other.

You may apologize and the other person, for example, may not forgive you. Likewise, the other person may not apologize, and yet you still choose to forgive.

Let’s talk about each of these processes and why they are not related… and why that is important. Listen below.

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3 Rules for Better Communication

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 30, 2018

Many couples make the mistake of assuming that their problems are due to poor communication. That is not (or rarely) the case. Why do couples think this? Because many therapists use that as the default problem to attack in therapy.

But communication is merely the method of passing information. Helpful in connecting with a spouse, for sure. It’s just that most people express themselves fairly well.

For years, people would come to my office and ask for help in communicating. After 20 or 30 minutes of listening, I would note that I understood everything each one said. They were communicating just fine. They had an issue, for sure. Communication, though, was not THE issue.

Still, communication is not irrelevant. It is one of the ways we connect. So, if communication is hampered by hurt and disconnection, then communication can seem like the issue.

So, today, I offer 3 rules for better communication — communication that leads to connection!

Listen below.

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Chronic, Crisis, Flashpoint, Tipping Point – What Happened??

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 23, 2018

“What happened?”, they ask me. They tell me they knew things weren’t great… but they had no idea that things were “this bad,” to the point that a spouse is threatening separation or divorce.

Suddenly, a chronic marriage problem becomes a marriage crisis.

They can’t believe “that one argument” led to the threats of divorce.

And they are exactly right. That was just a flashpoint.

At some point, most chronic issues have a tipping point, when they go from chronic to crisis. it happens with health issues. And it happens with relationship issues.

Nothing is great… but not horrible… until everything turns upside-down. The problem erupts into a crisis.

If that is what happened to you, you need to understand the dynamics behind this. I cover those dynamics in today’s podcast. Listen below.

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Are You Just Delaying “The Inevitable?”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 16, 2018

I get this question often enough to know that you may be wondering, too. Is it really possible to save a marriage, or are you just delaying the inevitable?

Many people want to know this before they even start the process. They want to make sure that the effort will be worth it. If not, why go through the struggle, right?

Some people do make the effort to save their marriage… but they never quite get to the point of really changing anything. They might engage a bit, work on it a bit… and they gain some ground. But in reality, nothing changed. It’s more like cleaning a house that is in disrepair. It looks better, but nothing got fixed.

Then, there are others. They decide that they can’t go back. They realize the relationship must change. And change it, they do!

And save their marriage, they do!

The question is really about whether the real change happened, or just a “spring cleaning.”

The choice between the two? All yours.

Listen to this episode of the podcast for more on making those real changes.

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When Your Spouse Wants To TALK

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 9, 2018

“We need to talk,” is the start-up of many conversations with a spouse in marital strife. Those words can strike fear and dread into you. What if things turn south? How do you respond? What do you do?

If you are following my System, you know that I have a number of “Don’t Do’s” that can keep you out of trouble. This is my list of thing NOT to do.

And one biggie is Don’t Talk About The Relationship. What I mean by that is YOU should not have THE “Relationship Talk.” You know… the one that you have rehearsed in your head… the one where your spouse will “see the light” and return to the marriage — given your full list of reasons and emotions.

Except… that is not what happens. Your spouse is not reading off of the script you have in your head. And so, the talk goes south.

So, what do you do, then, if you are committed to not having the “relationship talk,” and your spouse is wanting to talk about the relationship?

I’m here to help! In this week’s podcast episode, I cover this question. I tell you why your spouse wanting to talk about your marriage is NOT the same as my rule about not having that Relationship Talk. And I share why avoiding your spouse’s desire to talk is actually a problem. Perhaps a BIG problem.

So, how do you have that talk and make it work FOR your relationship? Listen to the episode for help on how to talk about the relationship when your spouse wants to, without having THE “Relationship Talk.”

Resources
Connection versus Confusion
Communication is Not the Issue
Relationship Talks
Save The Marriage System

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Earning Back Love (Is NOT The Goal)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 2, 2018

Sometimes, people tell me that as they are trying to save their marriage, they actually feel like they are trying to earn back the love of a spouse. They want to know if that is what it really is — earning back the love (and even trust).

The short answer is NO, that is not the goal.

A slightly longer answer is that if you are working to earn back love, you are also working on building a unsustainable and not-very-healthy relationship.

That is my topic for this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast: why you are NOT trying to earn back your spouse’s love, why that approach is problematic, AND what to do instead.

Your marriage can be saved. But not by trying to earn back your spouse’s love.

Can the love return to your marriage? Absolutely.

But that doesn’t mean it is the goal of the process.

(Love isn’t earned. It is given.)

RESOURCES
Connection and Marriage
Building A WE
Forgiveness and Marriage
Save The Marriage System

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Beware of “Easy” Tips and Tricks

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 25, 2018

It’s a common question.

And a dangerous question.

“Give me an easy trick or tip that will save my marriage.” I heard it last week from a phone call.

Another one just wanted the “Cliff Notes” on saving their marriage. No need to go in-depth. Just an overview. And “easy” way to save their marriage.

First, let me be clear: I do believe that both people were quite sincere in their desires to save their marriage. I think they both wanted to turn things around, to “fix” things.

But… they wanted the “short cut.” No muss. No fuss. Just a quick way to turn it around.

Quick question: just before you go into surgery, do you want to think your doctor just looked up a quick “tip” on your surgery — maybe just read the overview from a journal or book — or, would you rather know that the doctor had put in the time and effort to learn about how to do the surgery?

I know my answer. I want him to KNOW what he is doing. Not have a quick overview.

If it is just a book for a test, Cliff Notes! I used them (I hate to admit). But for something important?

We need to go in-depth. Not to Ph.D. level (I did that so you don’t have to). Enough, though, to be really doing the work. Not just trying to get by and slide through the crisis.

The process of saving your marriage is actually pretty simple. Which should never be confused with easy. (I cover this in my book, How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps.)

Don’t fall for the “easy tip/trick” or look for the easy answer. Make it real.

This is what I discuss in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast. You can listen below.

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