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Top 10 Myths Series

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg July 25, 2018 July 15, 2019

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 25, 2018

There are so many myths out there about marriage, marital therapy, saving your marriage, and divorce. Do you believe any of them? If you do, they may be getting in the way of your efforts to save and improve your marriage.

These myths are so common that YOU may believe them, your spouse may believe them, your friends and family may believe them… even your therapist may believe them.

And that’s trouble!

Learn the myths in the links below, then take action!

Top 10 Myths of Marriage HERE

Top 10 Myths of Marital Therapy HERE

Top 10 Myths of Saving Your Marriage HERE

Top 10 Myths of Divorce HERE

Ready to bust the myths and take action grab my Save The Marriage System HERE

You Know You’re On The Same Team… Right??

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 11, 2018

One more argument. One more struggle. They sat on my couch, facing each other down as opponents in some contest to… win… well, to be honest, I don’t know what they were trying to win. Because they were not winning at marriage!

I stopped them, looked at them and said, “You do know you are on the same team…” and they stared blankly at me, so I continued, “… right??”

They certainly were not working like a team. They were acting like enemies, in competition with each other. They were struggling to win. But either one “winning” would be a “lose” for the marriage.

Too many people miss this one essential — crucial — fact about marriage… you both are on the same team. You are working toward a common goal (or should be). The task is not winning as an individual, but as a team, as a couple, as a family.

This is the fundamental point of being what I call a “WE.” WE are in this together; WE stand side-by-side; WE have each other’s back; WE are a team! Same side, same direction (or should be).

Listen to this episode for how to get on the same team!

RELATED RESOURCES:
Connecting
Being A WE
Conflict
Save The Marriage System

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“It shouldn’t be this hard!” (And Other Lies We Tell About Marriage)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 4, 2018

Far from the first time, he turned to me in the middle of a session and said, “See? It just shouldn’t be this hard. That is why I know this marriage is wrong. If it were right, we wouldn’t struggle like this.”

I had to admit… they were struggling. It was difficult. BUT, the struggle did not prove the marriage was wrong. It did demonstrate that the way they were interacting was not good for the relationship (or for either of the two people in my office).

What it did not prove was that the marriage was wrong.

Quick stat. Do you have any idea what percent of marriages have difficulties and struggles?

Here is the answer… if you haven’t guessed: 100%

Yep. All of them.

Somewhere around 50% figure out how to move through the struggle or stick it out, in spite of the struggle.

That’s just one of the lies we tell about marriages. Not that people mean to lie. They just say what they believe… which is a lie (or based on a lie). Let me tell you four of the bigger lies people tell (themselves) in this episode of the podcast.

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5 Truths Every Couple Should Know

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 27, 2018

Many of my podcast episodes are really aimed at those in the midst of some marriage crisis. Maybe it is hanging on by a thread. Perhaps it is just in the beginning stages.

Today, I want to share some information that applies to every single marriage — happy or hurting, starting or staying, even barely hanging on. If you are at the beginning of a marriage — this applies! If you are struggling through — this applies! If you aren’t sure if it will survive — this applies!

A few weeks ago, a reporter asked for some truths for couples. After nearly 3 decades of working with couples, and almost 30 years of marriage, those truths were pretty quick to come to mind.

And after I was done talking, I realized that I needed to share the information in my podcast, so that you could access it, too.

Please, feel free to share it with others who are married, so they know the truth about marriage — and can build a great relationship!

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Marriage and The Goldilocks Principle

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 20, 2018

Remember that children’s story? Goldilocks, lost in the woods, stumbles upon the bear family home — which they had just left. Inside, she finds one bowl of porridge too hot, one too cold, and one just right. Same with chairs: one too soft, one too hard, and one just right. Same with beds: one too soft, one too hard, and one just right. Goldilocks picks (duh) the “just right” option and falls asleep.

But remember: the too hot/cold, too hard/soft items were not too hard/soft, hot/cold for other members of the bear family. We all have “just rights” that are just right to us — not to others.

And that is true with marriage. Healthy marriages are built to be “just right” to both people. In hurting marriages, it may not be “just right” for either. Or it may only be “just right” to one. Both situations can cause strife, conflict, and pain.

This week, let’s talk about how the “Goldilocks Principle” applies to marriage — and how you might be able to get to a “just right” relationship.

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3 Ways To Absolutely Guarantee Marital Therapy Will Fail

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 13, 2018

There it is, right on my website: marital therapy is not particularly effective. And yet, people often contact me to ask, “Where can I get therapy?”

Why?

Because our culture is psychologized and therapized, for good or bad.

So let me be crystal clear: I am NOT across-the-board opposed to marital therapy. There are excellent therapists out there. And there are excellent approaches out there.

It just isn’t guaranteed that you will find the right therapist, or that you and your spouse will approach therapy in a way that will be effective.

Which is the two parts of the problem: Therapist issues and client issues.

This week, I want to discuss 3 ways to really guarantee that your marriage therapy will fail. One is all about the therapist you choose. Two ways are about how you use the therapy.

And here is the super-cool thing: if you know these 3 ways to absolutely guarantee failure… you can avoid them! Then, therapy (if you so choose it) has a chance of helping… and not harming… your relationship.

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Of Apologies and Forgiving

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 6, 2018

We all have hurts from close relationships — and especially in marriages. It is impossible to be in such an intimate relationship and not bump into each other (in hurtful ways) over and over. The problem is when the hurts don’t heal.

Bumps, they happen. Continued pain and hurt from the bumps, that doesn’t have to happen.

Yet, many times, I watch couples dragging the hurts around for way to long. Weeks, months, even years. Not noticing the damage that is happening to the relationship along the way.

There are two parts to the process of healing: apology and forgiving. But, and this is important, they are not dependent upon each other. They are separate. Sometimes, people lump them together. And while they are related, one does not link to the other.

You may apologize and the other person, for example, may not forgive you. Likewise, the other person may not apologize, and yet you still choose to forgive.

Let’s talk about each of these processes and why they are not related… and why that is important. Listen below.

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3 Rules for Better Communication

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 30, 2018

Many couples make the mistake of assuming that their problems are due to poor communication. That is not (or rarely) the case. Why do couples think this? Because many therapists use that as the default problem to attack in therapy.

But communication is merely the method of passing information. Helpful in connecting with a spouse, for sure. It’s just that most people express themselves fairly well.

For years, people would come to my office and ask for help in communicating. After 20 or 30 minutes of listening, I would note that I understood everything each one said. They were communicating just fine. They had an issue, for sure. Communication, though, was not THE issue.

Still, communication is not irrelevant. It is one of the ways we connect. So, if communication is hampered by hurt and disconnection, then communication can seem like the issue.

So, today, I offer 3 rules for better communication — communication that leads to connection!

Listen below.

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Chronic, Crisis, Flashpoint, Tipping Point – What Happened??

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 23, 2018

“What happened?”, they ask me. They tell me they knew things weren’t great… but they had no idea that things were “this bad,” to the point that a spouse is threatening separation or divorce.

Suddenly, a chronic marriage problem becomes a marriage crisis.

They can’t believe “that one argument” led to the threats of divorce.

And they are exactly right. That was just a flashpoint.

At some point, most chronic issues have a tipping point, when they go from chronic to crisis. it happens with health issues. And it happens with relationship issues.

Nothing is great… but not horrible… until everything turns upside-down. The problem erupts into a crisis.

If that is what happened to you, you need to understand the dynamics behind this. I cover those dynamics in today’s podcast. Listen below.

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Are You Just Delaying “The Inevitable?”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 16, 2018

I get this question often enough to know that you may be wondering, too. Is it really possible to save a marriage, or are you just delaying the inevitable?

Many people want to know this before they even start the process. They want to make sure that the effort will be worth it. If not, why go through the struggle, right?

Some people do make the effort to save their marriage… but they never quite get to the point of really changing anything. They might engage a bit, work on it a bit… and they gain some ground. But in reality, nothing changed. It’s more like cleaning a house that is in disrepair. It looks better, but nothing got fixed.

Then, there are others. They decide that they can’t go back. They realize the relationship must change. And change it, they do!

And save their marriage, they do!

The question is really about whether the real change happened, or just a “spring cleaning.”

The choice between the two? All yours.

Listen to this episode of the podcast for more on making those real changes.

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