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Escape The Perception/Connection Trap

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg March 16, 2016 February 26, 2016

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 16, 2016

It is not about “communication,” no matter what you hear (from friends or a therapist). Most people communicate just fine. They have another issue: perception. How they perceive each other, that is the bigger issue.

And then the trap is laid.

Perception and connection. They create a downward spiral (unless you escape it) that traps you into a fall into disconnection.

I call it the Perception/Connection Trap. You have perceptions of each other (that are always at least partly fictional), and you have some level of connection. When your perceptions of each other are poor (negative), your connection begins to falter. When you are feeling disconnection, your perceptions grow more negative. Which leads to further disconnection. Which leads to further negative perceptions.

The spiral downward.

The bad news is this pattern traps many couples into a painful marriage crisis.

The good news is that you can escape the Perception/Connection Trap. And the great news is that you can use the reverse of the cycle to re-grow the connection and the relationship.

Learn how in this week’s podcast trying (and if you find it helpful, please use the SHARE buttons below).

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Why “I’ll Try Anything” Is NOT A Plan

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 9, 2016

Desperation. It is never a good guide. Desperation leads you down any and every approach. And in the process, you get nowhere.

I know, because I have seen it happen. Someone will say to me, “I’ll try anything to save my marriage.” And they try everything.

Book after book, resource after resource, and unfortunately, trick after trick. They leave themselves exhausted and their spouse confused.

Doing “anything” often ends up being “everything,” which ends up doing “nothing.”

What a difference, though, when someone finds an approach that agrees with their ethics and worldview, from someone who is qualified to help, that matches their situation, and passes the “smell and taste test,” as well as the “mirror test.”

The marriage has a chance. The relationship can get some traction.

We live in a world full of information. That information is not the same as knowledge, and often far from wisdom. It’s just information.

Learn why “doing anything” is dangerous, and the 5 steps to assessing everything you see. You CAN create a plan that works, with an approach that fits, when you know how to assess the information.

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Fear Got You Stuck?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 2, 2016

Just the other day, I received a message from someone who said she wanted to save her marriage BUT she was afraid. She told me about the fear that gripped her, SO she couldn’t work on saving her marriage. I tried to have a discussion with her, but she had a mistaken belief that her fear was keeping her from saving her marriage.

It was not her fear. It was her. She was keeping herself from working on saving her marriage. Fear = background noise, at least in the process of saving your marriage.

Fear should never choose your actions. Fear should never dictate what you do (or don’t do). But many times, it does.

You probably already know that EVERYONE feels fear. And many of us forget that fear is just that — a feeling. We make it real. We make it some determining factor in what we can do. Fear can keep you stuck. But it doesn’t have to. That choice is up to you.

Discover how to keep your fear from keeping you stuck (notice I did NOT say “how to not feel fear”) and how to move forward.

RELATED RESOURCES
3 Steps To Save Your Marriage
You Need A Plan
Tools of Connection
The System
The VIP Program

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The Top 10’s You Need To Know

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 26, 2016

Sometimes, it is easier to have a list that you can quickly digest and understand. No complicated explanations. Just quick hits of information you need to know.

Recently, I had a series of trainings and podcasts on myths you need to know (and avoid). I wanted to pull those resources together for you, so you could quickly digest and use the information.

Here are the Top 10 Myths trainings (just click the headline):

Top 10 Myths About Marriage

Top 10 Myths About Marital Therapy

Top 10 Myths About Saving Your Marriage

Top 10 Myths About Divorce

(. . . and some bonus information on saving your marriage. Just click the headline.)

Top 10 Ways To NOT Save Your Marriage

Top 10 Rules To Save Your Marriage

Don’t Complicate It

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 24, 2016

Sometimes, I am working with a client and suggest an approach, only to hear the next week, “I did that, and I (added this twist), and things got worse!” I always ask, “Why did you do that? Why did you make that change?” And usually, my client says, “It seemed too simple.”

We humans are funny creatures. We always want to complicate things!

A word of advice: DON’T!

While it may not be easy, the process of saving your marriage is really simple. Don’t complicate it. Find your approach, create your plan, and stick with it.

Learn about how to follow a simple process in this week’s podcast. Don’t complicate it!

RELATED RESOURCES
3 Steps To Save Your Marriage
Have A Plan
Save The Marriage System

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Start With Your Destination

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 17, 2016

Stephen Cove, in 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, noted that you should always start with the end in mind. Great advice. If you don’t know where you are headed, how will you ever get there?

When I was a child, I loved maps (truthfully, I still do). I would study the globe and atlas, I would open roadmaps, and imagine all the places you could go. I loved the idea of so much world out there to explore.

But in the end, a map is useless until you pick a destination. Then, you can start planning the trip. If you know where you are going, you can “reverse engineer” the process to get from “here” to “there.”

That holds true for dealing with a relationship, in trouble or not. If you know where you want to get to, you can begin to navigate in that direction. Will it be a direct route? Nope. But what trip ever is?

Every day, your destination can re-align you, with course corrections along the way.

But if you don’t know where you are headed, then you have a problem!

Pick your destination, and let’s navigate from here to there.

RELATED RESOURCES:
What’s Your Why?
The No Contact Rule Is CRAP
Save The Marriage System

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Are You “Dissing” Your Marriage (right into a disaster)?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 10, 2016

Let me just be clear that I have never been cool or hip enough to tell someone they are “dissing” me — at least not with a straight face!

But many people are doing that — dissing their marriage, with 5 different levels of “dis.” Ending in a Disaster!

Think of these as layers — levels, headed toward deeper and deeper trouble.

And it all starts innocently enough, with disappointment. It may be disappointment over what marriage is about, or disappointment with the spouse. That opens the door to a deepening level of pain and difficulties, unless it is addressed at the earliest stages.

Here are the 5 Dis’s that lead to Disaster:

Disappointment
⬇️
Disconnection
⬇️
Distrust
⬇️
Disgust
⬇️
Disdain

So, let me ask again — Are you and/or your spouse guilty of Dissing your marriage?

Learn what happens at each stage, and how to pull back from the looming DISaster. Listen below (and share, if it is helpful).

RELATED RESOURCES
Connection Help
Be Civil
Respect
Save The Marriage System
VIP Program

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3 Problems With Marital Therapy (That Therapists Won’t Tell You)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 3, 2016

Let me say it here, in writing: I am NOT opposed to marital therapy. I am quite concerned, however, on how marital therapy happens now. I am concerned about the effectiveness of marital therapy. And I am concerned for people who blindly seek out marital therapy, expecting it to help.

If you don’t know it, my training and background is as a marriage and family therapist. I spent years, and several degrees, preparing to be a marriage therapist.

And I was pretty disillusioned to see how ineffective marital therapy, overall, has been shown to be. Statistics are about the bigger view, not the specific therapist with a specific couple. But from the overall view, according to meta analysis of studies, about 75% of people who go to marital therapy still divorce. Only around 10-15% report a positive help.

Now, you see my issues. Why, if this is the primary way of helping a marriage, is it so ineffective? Three reasons: 1) Therapist training, 2) Therapist orientation, 3) Client resistance.

Listen in to this podcast to understand the issues. Then, you can make a better choice about whether therapy makes sense, how to find a good therapist, and how to make sure you and your spouse are truly ready for therapy.

(And if you aren’t, that doesn’t mean there is nothing you can do! That is why I created the Save The Marriage System, and why we offer Relationship Coaching.)

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Try A NEW Marriage Model!

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 27, 2016

We all have ideas, “mental models,” of what things are and how things work. Those models tend to change over time, both throughout history in in your own life.

A great example is marriage. Did you know that several millennia back, a marriage was a property transfer? A man needed help, a wife and kids. So, the man made a deal with another family, paying that family a “dowry” for that woman. She (and the kids) was property.

Did you know that same model is still true in some areas of the world?

If you are reading this, that is not likely to be your model of marriage. Over time, western culture has shifted through several other models of marriage. Some were utilitarian — a marriage was designed to be a place to have a family and be secure. Some were more about companionship — to have someone by your side, throughout a lifetime.

More recently, we have arrived at what some relationship theorists have called the “self-expressive marriage.” We live in a self-expressive world, where if you feel it, you do it. Follow your passions.

Let me be very clear: I am all for personal growth. I am all for a fully engaged and fulfilling relationship. Unfortunately, we have taken this “self-expressive marriage” and turned it into “self-gratifying marriage.”

There is a vital shift that seems to happen shortly after marriage for many couples. You probably married because you wanted to show your spouse how deeply you loved him/her. Many couples (how about you?) then make a subtle shift, asking “How are you showing me you love me?” Said slightly more cynically, that amounts to “What are YOU doing for ME?” Thus, the self-gratifying marriage, and one major side-effect: when it is no longer gratifying, it is time to leave.

Is there, perhaps, another model for marriage?

Yep. Marriage can be the stage for growth, relationally and personally, when we take that on. Life is all about growing — or stagnating. Are you growing? Is your relationship growing?

Learn more about the new model in this week’s podcast (Listen Below).

RELATED RESOURCES:
3 Steps To Saving Your Marriage
Marriage Is A WE
Save The Marriage System
Save The Marriage VIP (If you have the System)

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End Your Dance of Hurt and Blame

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 20, 2016

Hurt. Blame. Hurt. Blame.

The dance goes round and round, each person dancing the steps. That dance isn’t fun. But it certainly seems to be a popular dance for couples!

Every relationship has its unique “dance,” and both people generally stick to the same steps. . . until it doesn’t work anymore.

Then, the marriage can easily lapse into trouble.

Unless you decide to change the dance.

Since we are on this dance theme, many people tell me, “Well, it takes two to Tango.” True.

And if you are married, you two are dancing. In other words, the dance is already in progress. But you know what? In every dance, someone can choose to “lead” in a different way, choose to dance some different steps. And maybe even decide to change the music and dance a different dance entirely.

Tired of the dance you are in?

Stop the “dance of blame and hurt!”

RELATED RESOURCES:
Finding Your Why
Showing Up
Connection Resources
Save The Marriage System
VIP Program

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