how to save your marriage

What’s Your Plan?

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg December 30, 2020 December 29, 2020

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 30, 2020

We are about to turn the page on the calendar. For me, that means a look forward. What will the new year hold? What will I bring into the new year? Either it happens to you or you make it happen.

So what will we make happen?

I just finished doing some research with people who have used my System, been clients, or in my programs. They divided into two groups: those who succeeded in saving their marriage, and those who failed.

My task was to determine what made the difference. They all had the basic information from me on what went wrong and what needs to happen to make it right. So, what made the difference above the basic information? What, beyond my System, made a difference?

As it turned out, there were 5 key factors. I shared the full research with my VIP members last week. But one piece reigned supreme. In fact, it made the other 4 work.

The key factor??

A plan.

I discuss what that is all about in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. You can listen below to understand more about the plan, and how to have a SMART plan.

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Caught In A Triangle

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 16, 2020

Basic geometry, right? The triangle? Just three points and three lines connecting. Simple. A building block for geometric shapes of all kinds.

And yet, in the context of relationships… it is detrimental. Not a building block at all. In fact, it undermines relationships.

Yet, we find ourselves caught in triangles all the time. Or more accurately, we are caught in triangles all the time. We may not find ourselves, though, unless we know what to look for.

During the last couple of weeks, I have been providing some deep training for my Virtual Intensive Program members about the Dysfunctional Triangle, the roles involved, how it works, why it is so destructive, and how to escape.

That information is just too deep and in-depth to provide in a podcast. But I did want to give you the basic concept of a triangle, so you can identify it.

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5 Myths of Saving Your Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 16, 2020

Do you ever start on some new habit you heard about, maybe about the best diet or exercise, only to find that it isn’t true later on? And have you ever discovered it was actually even worse for you? (Just think about margarine or “low fat” diets, or even diet drinks!)

You think you are doing the right thing, and it turns out the “right thing” is actually the wrong thing. And you are even worse off than before!

Your marriage is in trouble and you want to save it. So, you start gathering your information. That is the starting point, right? And as they say, “Knowledge is power.” Except, of course, when the “knowledge” is myth. False information.

Worse yet, that information can do harm to your relationship.

I need to let you in on a little secret: just because it says it can help you save your marriage, that does not mean it will fit together with other approaches… or that it will even fit for you! We get into the habit of grouping things together when they seem to be in the same subject area.

But think about it for a moment. Look up some political topic. People might approach it from a number of different directions… and those approaches are often mutually exclusive of each other, even opposing each other. And some are just plain wrong.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I explode 5 myths of saving your marriage — of taking action to save your marriage. Falling for any one of these myths can put your efforts and your relationship at risk.

Listen in below, and learn what to avoid.

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FACT of Your Crisis: How to Face Your Crisis and Move Forward

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 26, 2020

Sometimes, just a hint or trick will do it. Maybe you want a trick or hint for an online game. Or even a trick for a better pancake. A hint for a better pushup.

But hints and tricks won’t work for saving a marriage.

Which is what I try to explain when I get the daily emails and voicemails, just asking for a hint or trick. Nothing wrong with asking. But the answer is, “you need more than a hint or trick. You need an approach. You need a system.”

But you also need a starting point, a way to get beyond the stuck point. Most people just don’t know how to start, so they start with hints and tricks. And then they realize there is more to this, more to the crisis.

When people tell me that they had a great marriage “until a week/month/year/___ time period ago, when ___________ happened,” they are missing that the seeds of the crisis were planted long before.

And that is why we need to fix the underlying issues, address the underlying problems, and rebuild in a sustainable way… for a long-term marriage.

In this episode of the podcast, I use the acronym from Gay Hendricks of FACT. We will FACT out your marriage crisis and get you moving forward.

Pay attention to the choice of path (3 W’s), and your action plan (3 C’s) in order to make a real shift as you face the FACTs of your crisis.

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Service or Repair?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 17, 2020

My car is in for service. Usually, that means I am in their lounge, trying my best to work with daytime TV blaring in the background. But due to COVID, I decided to leave it there and head for home. Now, I am just waiting for the call to pick it up.

It’s just regular maintenance today (fingers crossed). But there were other cars there for repairs.

Which had me thinking….

What does service mean for a relationship? How about repair for a marriage?

The more I thought about it, the more the metaphor fit. If I do regular maintenance on my car, it by no means guarantees that it won’t break down. But it does increase the chances of avoiding a roadside breakdown.

Let’s be fair: even the best-maintained vehicles can still break down, still need a repair. But let’s also be clear that if you have maintained your relationship, it is far less likely to need a repair, and far less likely that it will be costly (I can attest to this after the demise of my first car).

Well-maintained marriages are far less likely to hit a crisis — a breakdown. And if they do hit a crisis, they are better equipped to deal with the crisis and the outcome.

In this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast, I cover the process of marriage maintenance (5 steps) and what to do when it is repair time. Listen below.

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Not Doing or Not Knowing What To Do

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 17, 2020

Every day, I hear from people who are stuck in a marriage crisis. When I ask them, “what are you doing to work on your marriage?”, their response is: “Well, not much…. I’m stuck.”

Just to clarify, these folks are all wanting to save their marriage. None want their relationship to just end. That’s why they are reaching out to me.

HERE IS WHO I AM

They (and probably you) want to save your marriage. And yet many times, nothing is really happening. Maybe you’ve already tried something. But many times, there hasn’t really been any action.

What’s going on here? Why no action?

Years ago, a health crisis made me take a long look in the mirror. Did I know that not exercising was not good? Yep. Did I know that eating poorly was not good? Yep.

And still, I didn’t exercise and I didn’t eat well.

Then, my body rebelled. To the point that I had doctors telling me that I was headed for disability… and eventual death. That will get your attention!

I was fortunate. While their diagnosis was correct, the prognosis was not. I beat the odds and recovered. Not because I was taking better care of myself. I just got lucky.

But it got my attention! I realized that I had to turn things around… before the next crisis came along… one that I could not beat.

So, I started exercising. I tried to eat better. I WANTED to get better. And sure, there was a difference. I got in better shape. I was dealing with stress better. And yes, in some ways, I was eating better.

My weight, though, didn’t shift much. I kept trying to eat better… but not much changed on the scale.

Yes, I was frustrated. I kept telling myself I was DOING something. But really, it was only a minor shift. Mostly because I did not understand HOW to make a change.

Did I want to lose weight and get into better shape? Absolutely. Had I made some progress? No doubt. Had anything truly changed? Nope. Except now, I was well aware of my plight? I knew I needed to change. I just wasn’t doing anything that was going to make a change.

Know why?

I didn’t know how!

Sometimes, we say we want to do something… but we really don’t. We just think we should want to do it. But many times, we really do want to make a change… we just lack the know-how.

So, I started researching. No, I did not want to do the research on how to eat better. No, I didn’t even want to be an expert in eating better. But I wanted to FIND the expert… the person who had already done the research. Then, I could just follow what they had already found.

First stop was the Slow Carb Diet. It worked. I lost weight. But on cheat days, I felt absolutely awful. So, I dug deeper and found the Paleo approach. That was like magic. Since then, I have just been fine-tuning as I find better research. That has included Keto dieting, Intermittent Fasting, etc. My body weight? I’m 6’4”, and weigh 185. I wear the same pant waist size as in college. My body fat is around 11%. Not bad for an almost-54 year old.

Was it because I became an expert?

No. It was because I found expertise and followed their advice. I didn’t need to reinvent something. I just needed to follow something.

What about marriage?

Here is the honest truth: most people fail in marriage because nobody told them what marriage was really about.

HERE IS A TRAINING ON WHAT MARRIAGE IS REALLY ABOUT

And even if you might have some idea of what a marriage is about, what do you do when there is a crisis? There is no reason for you to know how to deal with a crisis. We rarely know what to do when something unexpected hits.

What caused the problem?

HERE IS A TRAINING ON WHY MARRIAGES GET INTO TROUBLE

“Sure,” you might say, “things haven’t been the best. But they weren’t the worst. Why a crisis now?”

HERE IS A TRAINING ON WHY YOU ARE IN CRISIS NOW

Once the crisis is here, you are likely unprepared on what to do. So, let me suggest taking a look at my Back To Basics Series.

HERE IS THE BACK TO BASICS SERIES OF TRAINING

Here’s what I know: you are serious about saving your marriage. That means you have a desire to save your marriage. But as we have discussed, wanting to save your marriage is far different than knowing how to save your marriage.

The fact that you are not willing to just give up and walk away is commendable. It is COURAGEOUS to decide to work on saving a marriage. Saving your marriage MATTERS.

But here is where the “rubber hits the road.” Desire to save your marriage is not enough. You need steps. You need a plan.

How are your efforts going? Are you stuck? Let’s get you through this.

Do you have my Save The Marriage System?

“NO” – Click HERE To GRAB My SAVE THE MARRIAGE SYSTEM

“YES” – Click HERE To LEARN MORE About Coaching Options For MORE HELP

Look, I recognize that saving a marriage can be tough, painful, scary, and frustrating. As much as you WANT to do it, you have to KNOW HOW to do it. Otherwise, you will either get stuck because you don’t know what to do or make it worse by doing the wrong thing.

It is too important to stay stuck. It isn’t your fault that you didn’t know what to do. But it is up to you to figure it out… for you, your spouse, your marriage, and your family. So, let’s make sure you have what you need. Let’s get you “up to speed” and get you moving ahead.

It is always your choice on whether to save your marriage or not. If you decide to, then the next decision is to find out how.

If you need a System that has been tested and refined for nearly 3 decades, GO HERE TO GRAB MY SAVE THE MARRIAGE SYSTEM.

If you have my System, but still need more help, CHECK OUT MY OTHER RESOURCES HERE.

I’m pulling for you!

Lee Baucom, Ph.D.
Creator of the Save The Marriage System
Author of How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps, Recovering From The Affair, Marriage Failpoint, Thrive Principles, The Immutable Laws Of Living, The Forgive Process
Host of Save The Marriage Podcast and Thriveology Podcast

Special Holiday Edition: Ghosts of Relationship Past

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 24, 2019

Do you settle down with a good book you have read over and over this time of year? I read my kids the exact same Christmas book every single year. And many years, I re-read a classic for myself… like A Christmas Carol. This year, I want to offer a redux of a prior podcast episode… about the Ghosts of Your Relationship Past. Yep. Christmas, with new opportunities. Here it is:

Christmas Eve. Chris and Holly have settled into bed. Neither can sleep. It is not, however, sugarplums dancing in their heads.

Both are replaying the arguments and hurts of the past. Neither feels connected, although both are desperate for that warm embrace each used to treasure.

What happened? Where did their relationship fall into trouble?

Can they find their way back?

First, they will have to make it through a night of haunts, as the Ghosts of Relationship Past visit them this night.

Are they the same ghosts that haunt your relationship? Is there a path through the pain?

Listen in as Chris and Holly face the hauntings of their relationship.

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“How Long?” Trust, Trauma, and Towels

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 28, 2019

I’m still answering your questions! If you have a question you want me to cover on the podcast, just SEND ME AN EMAIL HERE.

Today, we cover “time.” Or more specifically, “How Long?” The questions come from 2 listeners, “B” and “J.”

B asked about how long it takes to recover from broken trust. He follows up with wondering about PTSD symptoms and breaking trust. If your relationship suffers from broken trust, I cover the issue of healing time… and what you can do about that time.

I also go into some discussion about trust and trauma, to make sure you understand how that might affect your relationship.

And J is interested in how long to keep up the efforts before you “throw in the towel.” J says that they are in a “lock.” I disagree, and I cover how to think through the stuck spot… what it means, why you might be wrong, and how to keep on moving forward.

Trauma, Time, and Towels. I cover them in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Don’t miss it! Listen below.

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Connection and Disconnection: Powerful Resources for Healing

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 19, 2019

Over and over, I hear the same story: pain and conflict, disconnection and anger, resentment and distance.

In my book, I note the 3 steps to saving a marriage:

Connect with your spouse.
Change yourself.
Create a new path.

Connecting with your spouse is HUGE. In fact, the leading issue with marriages is that disconnection. Heal the disconnection, and the relationship can stabilize. It does not do away with steps 2 and 3. In fact, #2 needs to be concurrent to reconnecting. But #3, “create a new path,” is much easier when the connection is healing.

So how DO you do that?

Let me point you to some resources that will help you begin the process. Below are links to the resources, so that you can quickly access and heal your relationship.

The Connection-Starved Marriage — CLICK HERE

This is it. The reason marriages get into trouble. They are literally starved for connection. Which leads to hurt, further disconnection, and eventual disdain. Hear why in the Connection-Starved Marriage training.

5 Myths of Connection — CLICK HERE

This is a great starting point. You can begin to understand the ways we have misunderstood connection, so that you can move in the RIGHT direction.

7 Stages of Disconnection — CLICK HERE

This will help you assess where your relationship is right now! How deeply disconnected are you? Once you know this, you can begin to create your plan to reconnect.

How to Heal Disconnection — CLICK HERE

This resource will help you start the process of reversing the disconnection and move toward reconnection.

Why Healing Is Easier To Heal Than You Think — CLICK HERE

We are wired for connection. Which is why it is easier to heal than you think… when you know this little secret. I cover it in this training.

Being Courageously Compassionate — CLICK HERE

When you are hurting, angry, and frustrated, it can be difficult to even work on the connection. But YOU may be the only one ready to work on it. Courageous Compassion can help you choose a better path. This resource will help you move in that direction.

Show UP! — CLICK HERE

One other resource is about showing up. When you don’t show up, you don’t connect. And here is the great thing: you can ALWAYS show up. You can always decide you will show up in your relationship. Find out how!

Learn What Happy Couples Do Differently — CLICK HERE

These trainings will help you discover what happy couples do differently… and how you can follow their trail. Build happiness and heal disconnection with these trainings.

If you are ready to really step up and heal your disconnection, It is time to grab the Save The Marriage System HERE

And if you need coaching, LEARN MORE HERE

Is It Quitting Time? Resources to Help…

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 14, 2019

It would be nice if the process of saving your marriage is straight-forward, direct, and without any bumps along the way.

Rarely is that the case. Many times, it is 2 steps forward and 3 steps back, then 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. Sometimes, it can feel like nothing is moving. Then, things lurch… even jump… forward.

The biggest risk? Discouragement and frustration leading you to quit. Friends and family encouraging you to quit.

No, you don’t have to keep on trying, indefinitely. There are times when you might decide to quit. But what you don’t want to happen is for your emotions to lead you to quit. IF it comes to it, you want to decide to quit. Not just feel like quitting. But making a decision.

Otherwise, you want to make sure you keep heading forward.

And when you are frustrated, feeling discouraged, and listening to those “quit” messages, you may need some help staying on-course.

Below are some selected trainings to help you deal with those times.

What’s Your Plan?

Caught In A Triangle

5 Myths of Saving Your Marriage

FACT of Your Crisis: How to Face Your Crisis and Move Forward

Service or Repair?

Not Doing or Not Knowing What To Do

Special Holiday Edition: Ghosts of Relationship Past

“How Long?” Trust, Trauma, and Towels

Connection and Disconnection: Powerful Resources for Healing

The Connection-Starved Marriage — CLICK HERE

5 Myths of Connection — CLICK HERE

7 Stages of Disconnection — CLICK HERE

How to Heal Disconnection — CLICK HERE

Why Healing Is Easier To Heal Than You Think — CLICK HERE

Being Courageously Compassionate — CLICK HERE

Show UP! — CLICK HERE

Learn What Happy Couples Do Differently — CLICK HERE

If you are ready to really step up and heal your disconnection, It is time to grab the Save The Marriage System HERE

And if you need coaching, LEARN MORE HERE

Is It Quitting Time? Resources to Help…

Can This Marriage BE Saved?

When You Are Frustrated and Feel Like Giving Up…

When It Seems Easier To Just Quit and Walk Away…

When Discouragement Is Hitting Hard…

4 Fears That Stop Your Efforts

Dealing With NaySayers

3 Ways To Stay In The Game When You Want To Quit

7 Strategies When You Hear “This Will Never Work” and “I Don’t Love You”

Is It Time To Throw In The Towel?

Is It Too Late To Save Your Marriage?

Save The Marriage System