marital advice – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Crisis Clarity

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg June 24, 2022 June 23, 2022

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 24, 2022

Nothing gets your focus and attention like a crisis. But sometimes, that Crisis Clarity isn’t so helpful.

Let’s backtrack just a minute. What is Crisis Clarity?

Just for a moment, let’s assume that you have had a sense that something was not right with your marriage. Maybe you asked about it. Or perhaps you just hoped for the best — that things would turn around, settle down, and get on-track.

Then suddenly, the crisis emerges. You learn about an affair. Your spouse gives you the “love you, not in love with you” speech. Your spouse wants to separate. You get divorce papers. Or… fill in the blank ____________.

It is no longer a theoretical problem.

It is a full-blown crisis!

And that crisis gets your attention. Your FULL attention.

That is Crisis Clarity.

Yes, it can be helpful. And it can also be harmful.

How do you understand and handle Crisis Clarity? I cover it in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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3 Steps to Better Communication

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 30, 2022

Many couples make the mistake of assuming that their problems are due to poor communication. That is not (or rarely) the case. Why do couples think this? Because many therapists use that as the default problem to attack in therapy.

But communication is merely the method of passing information. Helpful in connecting with a spouse, for sure. It’s just that most people express themselves fairly well.

For years, people would come to my office and ask for help in communicating. After 20 or 30 minutes of listening, I would note that I understood everything each one said. They were communicating just fine. They had an issue, for sure. Communication, though, was not THE issue.

Still, communication is not irrelevant. It is one of the ways we connect. So, if communication is hampered by hurt and disconnection, then communication can seem like the issue.

In this episode, I offer 3 rules for better communication — communication that leads to connection!

Listen below.

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How to Deepen Your Connection

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 10, 2020

The #1 reason people sought me out for couples counseling: “We are just not connected.” The #1 reason why marriages end up failing: “We are just too disconnected.”

What happened? That connection you had at the beginning of your marriage… where did it go?

I can tell you the biggest reason why couples become disconnected: life gets in the way. Or more correctly, couples let life get in the way. They hit the “pause button” on the relationship. Because of kids, the career, schooling, hobbies, friends… lots of reasons.

They just didn’t know there is no such thing as a pause button. Either your relationship is growing or receding. There is no pause.

Still, they hit pause… and their marriage begins to disconnect. Then, reconnecting seems so hard. It is pushing against the inertia created. It starts feeling like one more “have to” that is shuffled off to the back, last in line. The marriage stays “paused,” and the relationship continues to decline.

How DO you deepen your connection? That is the topic on this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast.

I discuss the 3 levels of connection, and why it is so easy at the beginning… and then gets hard. I also note the 2 characteristics you need in order to build the connection between you and your spouse.

And then, I introduce you to a couple who have created a fun way to build connection with your spouse. Don’t miss that discussion!

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Coping as a Couple Caught in COVID Quarantine

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 1, 2020

Are you suddenly finding yourself and your spouse stuck together, thanks to the COVID-19 pandemic? Is it suddenly very close quarters?

If your marriage wasn’t struggling before, this may be the stressor that pushes your relationship into crisis.

Or it might just be the turning point to a thriving marriage.

What can you do during this time, for yourself and your marriage? On this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I explore 3 areas on which you can focus. And in each area, I give 2 suggestions for what you can do to survive the crisis, weather the storm, and help both your marriage and yourself.

Listen to the episode below.

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Where Did The Love Go?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 11, 2020

I get that question very frequently: “What happened? Where did the love go?”

Maybe you feel it, maybe you hear it. The end result is the same: one or both people just not feeling it… not feeling love. Maybe “I love you, but I’m not IN love with you.” Or maybe, “I care about you, but I don’t love you.” Or maybe more simply, “I don’t love you.”

Then what?

And where did the love go? It was there before. Did it really go away?

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss the causes of love gone missing. We look at where the love went, and talk about how to bring it back.

Listen below.

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Pushing Through…

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 6, 2019

What do you do when you feel like giving up, like nothing you do is making a difference? Or when your spouse says you are trying to hard, or acting strange? Or when you have dragged your spouse to retreats, therapy, workshops… and at every turn, your spouse throws up a wall?

What do you do to push through?

That assumes that, for right now, giving up is not what you want to do.

You could do that. You could walk away. That is an option at any time.

But what if you don’t want to do that?

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I answer listener questions about how to continue in the face of failed efforts and resistant spouses.

We also look at the effects of depression on the process.

And I give you three pointers to keep moving forward… including why that “love language” may be failing in translation.

Listen below.

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3 Reasons Your Efforts Might Fail

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 29, 2016

Over and over, people tell me about their “unique” situation, doubting that my System would do anything for their marriage problem. Deep down inside, we all believe we are “special,” unique, and beyond the information that is out there.

My belief is that there are some commonalities to why marriages work. A marriage in trouble does need to do some repair work. But even that process is doing what works — following the “laws” of a marriage.

But over and over, I watch people hit the same spot in their efforts. . . and fail. I call these the Points of Failure. There is a Primary Fail Point, which I won’t cover in this podcast. It is big enough that it needed an extensive training that I provide for VIP members.

Another 3, though, are critical to know and avoid. They are:

Not being accountable/taking responsibility (this has NOTHING to do with blame or fault),
Not having a plan/not preparing,
Not following a system or approach.

These are such important points, and so easily missed.

Listen to this week’s podcast, so you understand the Fail Points, and know how to avoid them.

Important Resources:
Save The Marriage System
VIP Program (if you already have the System)
Follow me on Instagram for inspiration

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End Your Dance of Hurt and Blame

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 20, 2016

Hurt. Blame. Hurt. Blame.

The dance goes round and round, each person dancing the steps. That dance isn’t fun. But it certainly seems to be a popular dance for couples!

Every relationship has its unique “dance,” and both people generally stick to the same steps. . . until it doesn’t work anymore.

Then, the marriage can easily lapse into trouble.

Unless you decide to change the dance.

Since we are on this dance theme, many people tell me, “Well, it takes two to Tango.” True.

And if you are married, you two are dancing. In other words, the dance is already in progress. But you know what? In every dance, someone can choose to “lead” in a different way, choose to dance some different steps. And maybe even decide to change the music and dance a different dance entirely.

Tired of the dance you are in?

Stop the “dance of blame and hurt!”

RELATED RESOURCES:
Finding Your Why
Showing Up
Connection Resources
Save The Marriage System
VIP Program

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4 Marriage Crisis Mistakes To Avoid

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 13, 2016

A marriage crisis doesn’t ever start as a crisis. It may start as a deficit in action or understanding, inattention, neglect, or some small altercation.

But it can spread over time, engulfing the entire relationship in crisis.

Many times, people tell me, “I should have taken action long ago, but _______.”

Fill in the blank with:

“I didn’t know what to do.”
“I didn’t know we were in trouble.”
“I was afraid to do anything.”
“I was afraid I would make it worse.”
“I shouldn’t be the one who has to do something.”

Mistakes along the way begin to escalate the marriage problem, until it is a full-blown marriage crisis. Then what?

Then, you have to avoid these 4 mistakes. (My bet is that the first mistake has already been made.)

Learn what the mistakes are, and how to avoid or correct them.

RELATED RESOURCE:
Save The Marriage System

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3 Relationship Killers (and 3 Nurturers)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 4, 2015

It may not be on purpose. But many couples commit relationship murder. They kill their relationship by accident.

So far, I have NEVER had someone tell me they intentionally set out to slay the marriage. But the result is the same. Voluntary or involuntary, the killing of the relationship is the same.

Let me just warn you that these relationship killers sneak in. And that is why they are so dangerous. You may not even see them coming. And you may not see the results. . . until later.

The good news: there are also some things that nurture a relationship. (It isn’t ALL bad news!)

Let me share the nurturer’s too!

First, we want to be clear about what to avoid. But next, we want to be clear on what to pursue. How to nurture the relationship.

What killers and nurturers did I miss? Let me know in the comments area below.

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