marriage advice – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Limiting Beliefs Blocking Your Spouse

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg August 4, 2022 August 4, 2022

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 4, 2022

We all have limiting beliefs. You… me… and your spouse! I always work to change my limiting beliefs. You are probably doing the same. But you can’t just change your spouse’s limiting beliefs!

What is a limiting belief? It is a mostly-FALSE belief. But more than that, it is one that keeps you stuck… unable to see bigger possibilities. Potentials for change.

Mostly, limiting beliefs are about what CAN’T happen, what is NOT possible.

Even when there are possibilities.

Even when things CAN change.

If someone can’t see a way to move forward, they are unlikely to be willing to try to move forward. So, they stay stuck. And if it is a spouse who can’t see forward on saving your marriage, it can keep YOU stuck, too!

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I respond to JJ’s question about how to deal with her spouse’s belief that “if a marriage was meant to be, it would be easy.” I also address several other false/limiting beliefs… and what to do about them.

Listen in below.

(Have a question you want answered on a future podcast? EMAIL ME HERE — let me know if you want me to use a pseudonym! Make sure the question is one that can help others. I’ll try to answer!)

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Can a Marriage Turn Around Quickly?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 29, 2022

Lots of people have asked me how long it takes for a marriage crisis to turn around… for the marriage to start heading in the RIGHT direction. Does it take days? Weeks?? Years???

I often tell them that marriages in crisis can often turn around amazingly fast.

That doesn’t mean YOUR marriage will. But it often does happen.

Why is it that a marriage can feel like it is on the edge of collapse, and then seemingly come back to life overnight?

It all has to do with a basic human need that we all have. It is the central part of a marriage, and goes so deep that when it is missing, it is painful. When it is restored (the right way), it is immediately healing. Listen below for why marriage turn quickly (and why the don’t).

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How You Show Up

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 23, 2022

We all “show ourselves” in our interactions with others. Sometimes, we truly Show Up, bringing our best self to the relationship.

Other times, we bring an angry/resentful presence to the table. Other times, it might be a cold/distant presence. And still other times, it might be a needy/desperate presence.

As you may have guessed, an angry or distant or needy presence rarely serves the relationship or the improvement of a relationship.

Maybe you think you are just responding to what is coming your way… that you are just following your spouse’s lead… or the lead of the world around you.

But we all get to choose how we will Show Up.

We get to choose how we want to be, who we want to be, in all of our relationships. We don’t have to leave it to reaction or fear, resentment or hurt. We can choose how and who we will be in life.

How do YOU Show Up?

Listen for how to Show Up the way you want to!

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Quit Asking “Why is This Happening?”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 25, 2022

At the beginning of a coaching session, I do a quick “check-in” to see what we need to accomplish in that session. Since coaching is all about moving forward and making progress, I want to make sure we are moving forward toward client success.

But what I often hear instead is, “I want to know why this is happening (the marriage crisis).” I get it. There is something about knowing why that is somehow satisfying, if not particularly helpful. What is even more interesting, though, is how often the same client can return to this very question.

If I hear the question one time, we can answer it and move forward. But if I hear the question on repeat, I know there is something else going on. And one thing I know for sure, time after time, is that this question does nothing to move your marriage or yourself forward.

It is actually an anchor to the past.

And it is hard to move forward when you are anchored backward.

If you want to save your marriage, stop asking how you got here, and start asking how to get to where you want to go!

(I cover it in-depth in the podcast episode. Listen below.)

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Why Your Spouse Doesn’t See A Change

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 29, 2021

You’ve been working hard. You’ve been trying to make some personal changes, growing and expanding yourself. You’ve been trying to build a connection with your spouse, slowly and steadily.

You feel good about what you are doing. You believe you are gaining grown.

But then, your spouse doesn’t notice any change at all!

What happened? Why can’t your spouse see the changes?

It can be challenging, frustrating, hurtful, and downright defeating. But there is a reason your spouse isn’t noticing (or admitting to noticing) the changes.

In fact, there are 3 reasons why your spouse doesn’t see the changes.

Let’s take a look at the 3 reasons, and start creating a strategy to make those changes visible.

Listen below.

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Limiting Beliefs Limiting Your Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 22, 2021

It almost seems redundant, doesn’t it? If you have limited beliefs, they could limit something — say, for example, your marriage.

I say IF you have limited beliefs.

Full disclosure: We ALL have limited beliefs that are limiting us. We ALL have blind spots, assumptions, even untrue beliefs. We just don’t notice them. And we pay a price for that.

Especially since we usually fail to notice or address these limiting beliefs.

Do you think your limiting beliefs MIGHT be limiting your life and your marriage?

I’m betting that is the case, since it is true for all of us.

Here’s the good news: you can change your limiting beliefs. Once you know what they are. And decide to change them

Listen below for this week’s podcast.

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Is It Just Delaying The Inevitable?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 28, 2021

I get this question often enough to know that you may be wondering, too. Is it really possible to save a marriage, or are you just delaying the inevitable?

Many people want to know this before they even start the process. They want to make sure that the effort will be worth it. If not, why go through the struggle, right?

Some people do make the effort to save their marriage… but they never quite get to the point of really changing anything. They might engage a bit, work on it a bit… and they gain some ground. But in reality, nothing changed. It’s more like cleaning a house that is in disrepair. It looks better, but nothing got fixed.

Then, there are others. They decide that they can’t go back. They realize the relationship must change. And change it, they do!

And save their marriage, they do!

The question is really about whether the real change happened, or just a “spring cleaning.”

The choice between the two? All yours.

Listen to this episode of the podcast for more on making those real changes.

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“I Saved My Marriage!”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 9, 2020

Many times, in the midst of trying to save a marriage, the anxiety and fears can lock you up, overwhelmed with what to do next.

When that happens, the outcome is often a lack of change, motivation, or action.

And things continue in the downward spiral.

So today, I want to invite you to use your imagination — a little Jedi mind trick. Imagine that you DID save your marriage. You HAVE created a loving, supportive, respectful marriage. You look forward to spending time together. Your issues resolve themselves peacefully and effectively.

Now, you are looking back to see what you did, in order to save your marriage. You notice how you approached the situation, how you dealt with the issues, and how you moved forward — even in the face of frustration and difficulties.

In today’s podcast, we reflect on “what you did” to save your marriage — and by doing that, we create a path for you to do just that: Save Your Marriage.

Listen below.

(and if you are ready to take action, CLICK HERE FOR MY SYSTEM)

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Marriage Lie #1: “If It’s Work, It’s Wrong”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 28, 2020

“I give up,” he said, throwing up his arms. He was ready to leave the session. But before he walked out, I asked, “Can you tell me what just happened? Why are you giving up?”

He told me, “Look, we have struggled during this marriage. Not just now. Other times. I just believe that if you are struggling in a marriage… if things aren’t just moving forward… it isn’t meant to be. It’s wrong.” And he turned to leave.

I responded, “Well, that’s a big fat lie you are believing!”

He stopped, looked back at me, and said, “You have 10 minutes to prove me wrong.”

This wasn’t the only time I have encountered this lie. And let me be fair: he wasn’t meaning to lie to me. But he was. In reality, though, he was repeating a lie he believed. There is nothing so dangerous as a lie that we believe, but is entirely false!

My client was ready to leave his marriage because he believed the lie.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I start a series on the Lies of Marriage. These lies are things people believe (and act on, because they believe them) that are false, untrue… a lie. But when they take on a life of their own, they unnecessarily destroy marriages.

In this first episode, I tackle the lie, “If you have to work on it, the marriage is wrong.”

Listen below.

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Where Did The Love Go?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 11, 2020

I get that question very frequently: “What happened? Where did the love go?”

Maybe you feel it, maybe you hear it. The end result is the same: one or both people just not feeling it… not feeling love. Maybe “I love you, but I’m not IN love with you.” Or maybe, “I care about you, but I don’t love you.” Or maybe more simply, “I don’t love you.”

Then what?

And where did the love go? It was there before. Did it really go away?

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss the causes of love gone missing. We look at where the love went, and talk about how to bring it back.

Listen below.

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