save marriage podcast – Page 5 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

The 80/80 Marriage

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg March 10, 2021 March 8, 2021

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 10, 2021

“Marriage should be 50/50,” many a well-intentioned couple told me before they got married. I knew they were in trouble. And for all of the best of intentions! They wanted to be equals. Equal responsibility and equal coverage.

Which is exactly what was heading them straight toward the trouble.

Yes, they had the best of intentions. And yes, it is a great ideal to want to equally contribute in the relationship. And yes, that headed them straight for trouble.

Why?

Because they had already signed on to judge each other on fairness. If it was 50-50, both people would surely be watching to make sure their 50% was matched by their spouse’s 50%. And interestingly, the likelihood of both making the same estimate of 50% was 0%.

This is exactly the situation that my guests, Kaley and Nate Klemp, found themselves in. And it started early in their marriage… highlighted by an argument over shoes at the door! But that same struggle threatened their marriage… highlighted by an argument over who should pick up their child from daycare! (These are the same level of arguments that often show the fault lines for many other couples… not big ones, but tiny chips from their foundation that add up to an unstable base.)

But Kaley and Nate decided to do something about it. They decided to do some research. (While this is not a likely response for many couples, the good news is, Nate and Kaley not only interviewed lots of people, they wrote a book about it!) What they discovered is there are three models of marital involvement. One is fairly outdated, and the second is often infected by the first. It is also the pattern that appears fair, 50/50. That one fails for most couples.

And that led to Nate and Kaley presenting a third model. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I sit down to discuss the models with both Nate and Kaley. They tell me about their own struggles, the different models, and how to shift toward a better model.

Their approach has many similarities to my own work, but brings some important facets out for listeners to consider. Learn about the 3 models, and how to make a shift (even with a reluctant spouse) in this episode.

Listen below.

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The 2 Necessary Feelings

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 3, 2021

Feelings. We all have them. What we feel, and how we make others feel.

Sometimes, we have the wrong feelings. And we try to get away from those feelings.

In a relationship in trouble, you can guarantee that someone is not feeling the way that he or she wants to feel. So, that person tries to get away from what is making them feel that way.

Unfortunately, that “something” is more a “someone,” the spouse.

Are YOU making your spouse feel something that is causing him or her to want to get away?

There are 2 primary feelings that must be in a strong relationship. The opposite of those feelings tend to push couples apart.

Those 2 feelings?

Feeling wanted.
Feeling accepted.

You may not feel wanted or accepted. If you are working on saving and improving your relationship, let me suggest you set that aside for now. Focus on how you can help your spouse feel wanted and accepted.

In this podcast episode, I talk about these feelings (and their opposites) and 3 ways you may be hurting those feelings for your spouse.

Join me as we explore these 2 necessary feelings and 3 ways we hurt those feelings.

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Why Your Spouse Doesn’t Believe You Can Change

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 17, 2021

You’ve been working hard to reconnect and change yourself. You’re proud of your efforts. But your spouse just isn’t buying.

For whatever reason, your spouse just does not trust the changes — or maybe doesn’t even see the changes!

Do you feel like you are hitting a brick wall? Like nothing you are doing is making a difference? Like your spouse has already judged you and won’t allow themselves to see something different?

In this episode, I will be discussing several reasons why your spouse isn’t willing or able to see a change. Included are the times your spouse might acknowledge that there has been a change, but doesn’t trust that the change will last.

Does that describe your situation? If so, please listen. I also discuss how to shift this dynamic in your favor.

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Therapy or Bust!

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 10, 2021

We had been talking for at least half an hour. I was discussing some thoughts about her marriage problems as she was trying to figure out what to do. I noted where the problems started and how she might start repairing.

Fact is, that is why people are on my website, listen to my podcast, grab my System, or seek me out. They want a loving, connected relationship and right now, it has problems they can’t quite solve. But they know something has to change, or they are headed for deeper problems and even divorce. So, I work hard to show a way forward.

I was pretty open with my concerns about therapy with this caller. She had heard my podcasts on the subject and knew I had major reservations. (Statistics are pretty clear on this topic.)

Which is why I was a bit surprised when she asked, “So, could you recommend a therapist?”

Okay, admittedly, I was not overly surprised. I get the same request on a regular basis. That, in spite of my clear discussions about marriage therapy issues, problems, and limitations. (And yes, I was trained as a marriage therapist. Yes, I have lots of therapist friends. Yes, I am even married to one. And yes, I still have concerns.)

I guess I was more surprised because we had, even just five minutes earlier, discussed my concerns. Yet, here we were. Looking for a therapist.

“Therapist or Bust,” it would seem!

Did I recommend a therapist? Nope. Because I don’t do that. For several reasons. I discuss my concerns and reasons on this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. I look at why we default to a method that has pretty poor outcome results. I look at some basic problems with the therapy approach, and discuss when therapy does make sense. Avoid the traps and you are well ahead of the game!

Listen in below.

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Knocked Down, Back Up

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 3, 2021

You started working on saving your marriage. Good for you!

And then, you hit a bump. You get knocked down. Maybe you discovered an affair, physical or emotional. Maybe your spouse is irritable and upset. Maybe it is anger and resentment, yours or your spouse’s.

And it knocks you down.

Enough that you think it is over. That you are at the end.

But are you? Or do you need to get back up?

In most things in life, we think the process is (or should be) smooth. I fall for that myth all the time. I think a project is going to be easy and straightforward. Only to find a complication and difficulty at every turn.

And guess what? The same is true in your efforts to save your marriage.

We talk about how you might get knocked down… and how to get up again, in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

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“No Closer!” — Stuck?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 27, 2021

What do you do when your spouse has shifted back toward you… some… but is still distant? More distant than you would like?

Do you have to just accept it, accept the lack of intimacy and connection?

Is that the relationship you are stuck with? Some connection. Still married. But not the warmth, love, and connection you do want?

That is the question posed to me. Mary reports that her husband returned after a number of months of separation. But now, some time later, after his return, the connection is not where it needs to be. It isn’t where Mary wants it to be.

What do you do, Mary wonders? Accept it? Make peace with the fact that her spouse does not want an intimate relationship with her?

I delve into Mary’s question (which may also be your question) about what to do when the connection is still not there, even after some improvement. I suggest 3 steps for Mary (and perhaps you) to take. And yes, we start at acceptance. But that is not about giving up!

Listen below.

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“I Want to Save My Marriage” Q & A

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 20, 2021

In previous podcast episodes, I have answered questions submitted by listeners. In fact, I still do. You can email your questions by clicking here. But since this podcast goes to listeners around the world, submitted questions need to be a) applicable to others, and b) not so broad that it is impossible to answer in a simple episode.

But then, there are the short questions. Both in the question and the needed response. So, in this episode, I round up the short questions, so I can address them all.

All of them, though, started with this:
“I want to save my marriage!”

Most of the questions demonstrated the beginning point of learning… not even knowing the question to ask, but knowing what you want. The senders knew they wanted to save their marriage, but weren’t sure even where to start and what to ask.

But here is the important thing: the questions still apply to you, whether you are at the same point or further along. Listen in to hear my response to questions like where to start, what about some tricks/hints, what to do if a spouse isn’t interested, what a plan might look like, how long this process might help, and what to do now.

Listen below.

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From Apology to Reconciling

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 13, 2021

You have already journeyed to here. Maybe your relationship is hurting and in pain. Maybe your connection has gone cold. But however you got here, whatever the path, you want to get somewhere different.

Somewhere better.

It may seem cliche, but it is a journey. And this last part of the journey, it has some stops along the way.

Many times, people think (and want) it to be a linear path, stopping along the way, but arriving at the end, reconciled and in love.

Those four big stops?

Apology
Forgiving
Trusting
Reconciling

Many assume that one follows the other, just points along the road. But it is more like a subway system that might arrive at one station, having never paused at another. You may pass one or more, or even arrive at each one, seemingly out of order.

In reality, each of those four stops are distinct and separate. They can happen separate from, or even without, the other stops.

Let’s talk about these four stops in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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Staying in the Game

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 6, 2021

You might feel like “tapping out,” or forfeiting, just giving up and walking away.

It can be frustrating when you are trying to save a marriage, only to get pushback from a spouse. You are working to build the connection, working to improve yourself, and working to make a different relationship. But it feels like two steps forward, three steps back.

How do you “stay in the game?”

Partly, it is mental. But there are also some things you can do to help you shift perspective, keep your patience, and keep on moving forward. Let me share some strategies on how to “Stay in the Game” in this week’s podcast.

Listen below.

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What’s Your Plan?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 30, 2020

We are about to turn the page on the calendar. For me, that means a look forward. What will the new year hold? What will I bring into the new year? Either it happens to you or you make it happen.

So what will we make happen?

I just finished doing some research with people who have used my System, been clients, or in my programs. They divided into two groups: those who succeeded in saving their marriage, and those who failed.

My task was to determine what made the difference. They all had the basic information from me on what went wrong and what needs to happen to make it right. So, what made the difference above the basic information? What, beyond my System, made a difference?

As it turned out, there were 5 key factors. I shared the full research with my VIP members last week. But one piece reigned supreme. In fact, it made the other 4 work.

The key factor??

A plan.

I discuss what that is all about in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. You can listen below to understand more about the plan, and how to have a SMART plan.

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