save marriage podcast – Page 8 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Time for a Relationship Reset?

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg April 8, 2020 April 7, 2020

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 8, 2020

Unless you are hiding out in a cave somewhere (I read about a person who had been on a silent retreat — went in with everything normal and came out to the pandemic), your world has been topsy-turvy.

We will get through this. The pandemic will pass. But this isn’t about, “and then, we will get back to life.” Life is happening right now. And we won’t be going “back to normal,” either. There are some fundamental changes happening in culture. We didn’t just hit “pause” when people went into isolation. And we won’t simply “un-pause” when it is safe to un-isolate.

Society is in for a shift. How it shifts, that depends upon us, the members of society. There is, I believe, great potential for a shift to what really matters. Not what we have been believing matters. It won’t be about money, power, or prestige. It will be about meaning, purpose, connection, and character. (At least, that is my hope.)

Why does that matter? How does that affect your marriage? I believe there is an opportunity, in the midst of the chaos, for a “Relationship Reset.” It is an opportunity to reconsider the crisis and find a way to resolve it by staying married, not by leaving.

Discover the 3 reasons why this might be the time for a Reset, and 3 things to do to facilitate it in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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Staying the Course in a Crisis (or 2)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 25, 2020

The phrase, “Stay the Course,” comes from the commitment in battle to continue moving toward your goal, regardless of obstacles or difficulties. So first, let’s let go of the battle analogy. You aren’t in battle. But you are fighting for your marriage.

And in this moment, you are fighting to keep yourself and your family safe.

Those are the goals. And that is the problem. A single crisis is tough enough. But a crisis, squared. It isn’t just double. The struggle is exponential. That’s because a crisis on top of a crisis is not cumulative. It can feel like it multiplies the struggle.

So, then, how do you stay the course?

I cover these 4 ways in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast:

Have a plan.
Practice extra patience and grace.
Refuse to absorb anxiety.
Do the Next Right Thing.

Listen below for the details on each.

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Is Your Marriage in the Safe Zone?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 12, 2020

She started the conversation by telling how she was confused… her spouse had confused her. He said he didn’t feel safe enough to share his emotions, didn’t feel safe enough to move back into their bedroom, didn’t feel safe enough to talk through their issues. She told me, “I have never hurt him or threatened to hurt him. How can he feel unsafe?”

Safety (and feeling safe) is an interesting thing. There doesn’t actually have to be a real threat in order to feel unsafe. Our brains are always looking for a sense of threat — and it takes very little to trigger the feeling of threat. A look, a tone… a small hint can be perceived as a real threat.

We don’t risk connecting when we feel threatened. Connecting requires vulnerability. And vulnerability requires a sense of safety.

Again, that is not necessarily tied to reality of threat. So, do you (and your spouse) create spaces of safety? Do you internally communicate safety in your relationship?

Learn why this is so important and how to do it in the Save The Marriage Podcast below.

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“I’m Just Not Happy”… The Excuse to Leave?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 29, 2020

What do you do when a spouse declares, “I’m not happy,” as the reason the marriage has to end? Or how about, “You’re not happy,” or “I can’t make you happy”?

I have heard this reason given over and over. It is a common (but false) belief that a marriage needs to end because spouses can’t make each other happy.

The fact is, you cannot make your spouse happy. And your spouse can’t make you happy. But that isn’t even the goal!

(Just to be fair, it is possible to make someone miserable! But make them happy? Nope. Not possible. Ever.)

What does it mean when a spouse wants to end a marriage due to “not being happy”? And what do you do? How do you respond?

That is the topic of our conversation on this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. You can listen below.

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Special Holiday Edition: Ghosts of Relationship Past

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 24, 2019

Do you settle down with a good book you have read over and over this time of year? I read my kids the exact same Christmas book every single year. And many years, I re-read a classic for myself… like A Christmas Carol. This year, I want to offer a redux of a prior podcast episode… about the Ghosts of Your Relationship Past. Yep. Christmas, with new opportunities. Here it is:

Christmas Eve. Chris and Holly have settled into bed. Neither can sleep. It is not, however, sugarplums dancing in their heads.

Both are replaying the arguments and hurts of the past. Neither feels connected, although both are desperate for that warm embrace each used to treasure.

What happened? Where did their relationship fall into trouble?

Can they find their way back?

First, they will have to make it through a night of haunts, as the Ghosts of Relationship Past visit them this night.

Are they the same ghosts that haunt your relationship? Is there a path through the pain?

Listen in as Chris and Holly face the hauntings of their relationship.

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The ARC of Saving Your Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 6, 2017

Since my book, Thrive Principles, came out, people have asked me why I shifted my focus from saving marriages to thriving. In reality, there is no shift. My System on saving a marriage is the same path to having a thriving marriage. In fact, my focus from the beginning was on how to have a thriving life in all areas of living — including in marriage.

Which means that there are many cross-over points between how we thrive and how we save a marriage.

In this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss three anchors of Thrive Principles that can help you address the issues in your marriage.

These three principles can help you save your marriage. Just remember the acronym, ARC.

Acceptance
Responsibility
Control

Use these three principles as you work to save your marriage.

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3rd Biggest Mistake People Make

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 4, 2016

There are lots of mistakes people make in their efforts to save their marriage. This particular mistake is what I consider to be the 3rd biggest. I hear it in the questions people send me every single week.

In fact, I hear this mistake probably 3 or more times each day. And here is the sad thing: the mistake is made with all the best of intentions. . . and all the worst of results.

Like all mistakes, it is avoidable. (If something is unavoidable, it can’t be a mistake; a mistake always has an alternative that could avoid the mistake.)

I am betting you have made this mistake. (I have.) My hope is that, once I point it out, it will be so obvious that you will not repeat it.

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Why Your Spouse Doesn’t Believe You Will Change (And What To Do About It)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 1, 2015

You have arrived at that point. You know you are not doing all you can and being all you can be. It is time for a change.

Perhaps with hat in hand, you sit down with your spouse and let your spouse know, in your most sincere and concerned voice, that you know you have fallen short. You know you can do better. . . and you promise to change.

What you expected was a spouse who is supportive and hopeful, smiling at you, and proud of your efforts.

What you get, instead, is anger and frustration. Maybe it is the silent treatment. Or maybe it is yelling. Through clenched teeth, you may hear your spouse say, “I DON’T BELIEVE YOU.” Or maybe, “We’ll just see about that.”

Why?

You feel shot down. Maybe hopeless. That did not play out the way you thought it would.

Why?

Don’t blame your spouse. Choose to fix it. Choose to make the change.

Here is what to do, when your spouse doesn’t believe you will change.

RELATED HELP AND RESOURCES:
Show Up
Connect
The System
Virtual Coaching

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Are You Playing Mind Games. . . With Yourself?: #36 Save Your Marriage Podcast

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 16, 2014

Mind games. We all play them. But what if you are playing the BIGGEST mind game with yourself?

I have news for you: you are! I know, because I often do the same thing. In fact, not recognizing this important fact almost cost me my life!

There is a simple solution that can give you more peace and quiet in your life. And the best part is that it is entirely under your control.

I want to tell you about the 3 steps to stopping this mind game, and then the 2 extra “fail safe” strategies, if those steps are not entirely successful.

You think yourself into difficulties and you can’t think your way out. But there is a solution.

Please listen to the podcast (free audio) and let me know what you think. You can leave comments just below.

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What You May Not Know About Love, Respect, and Civility: #32 Save Your Marriage Podcast

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 19, 2014

I can’t tell you how many times I have had someone tell me, “I am no longer in love with my spouse.” And while they are in my office, I get it. They call each other names, insult each other, blame, are unloving, and disrespectful.

And in the midst of all that, there is a cycle: “If you don’t show my love and respect, I won’t show you love and respect.”

A best-selling book, Love & Respect, Emerson Eggerichs says that men need respect more, and women need love more. He says that men can be unloving while showing respect, and women can be disrespectful when showing love. I think he is onto something. But perhaps there is more to it.

In this week’s podcast, I take a look at the issue of love and respect, but also look at civility and courtesy as a basic platform. If you feel unloved and/or disrespected (or your spouse feels that way), please listen. There is an alternative.

Let me know what you think in the comments area below.

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