save the marriage – Page 2 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Crisis Clarity

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg June 24, 2022 June 23, 2022

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 24, 2022

Nothing gets your focus and attention like a crisis. But sometimes, that Crisis Clarity isn’t so helpful.

Let’s backtrack just a minute. What is Crisis Clarity?

Just for a moment, let’s assume that you have had a sense that something was not right with your marriage. Maybe you asked about it. Or perhaps you just hoped for the best — that things would turn around, settle down, and get on-track.

Then suddenly, the crisis emerges. You learn about an affair. Your spouse gives you the “love you, not in love with you” speech. Your spouse wants to separate. You get divorce papers. Or… fill in the blank ____________.

It is no longer a theoretical problem.

It is a full-blown crisis!

And that crisis gets your attention. Your FULL attention.

That is Crisis Clarity.

Yes, it can be helpful. And it can also be harmful.

How do you understand and handle Crisis Clarity? I cover it in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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The Dad Edge

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 4, 2022

Every now and then (well, actually quite frequently), people tell me stories about how parenting didn’t exactly elicit the best response. Many times, people tell me with regret over words and actions they wish they had not expressed. Sure, there is some shame, maybe some blame.

But there is often very little change.

On this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I sit down with Larry Hagner and discuss how his bad moment with his child led to change. Not just for Larry, but for many other people.

You see, Larry didn’t have a great example of how to be a good parent. So he was doing the best he could with the tools at hand. But it was not going the way he wanted. So, he decided that something had to change.

He decided that HE had to change!

It became a quest, to be a better parent… to be a better partner and person, too!

Larry started (some time back) by starting a FB group that looked to get others to share their parenting wisdom. This grew and grew.

When it became clear that others were looking for support and guidance, Larry got serious and created The Dad Edge.

In this interview, Larry and I talk about the struggles with limited parenting models many people got from their childhood, how important the parenting (specifically, the Dad) role is in development, and how to start on a path of better parenting.

Listen in below.

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Some Truths for Every Couple

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 13, 2022

Many of my podcast episodes are really aimed at those in the midst of some marriage crisis. Maybe it is hanging on by a thread. Perhaps it is just in the beginning stages.

Today, I want to share some information that applies to every single marriage — happy or hurting, starting or staying, even barely hanging on. If you are at the beginning of a marriage — this applies! If you are struggling through — this applies! If you aren’t sure if it will survive — this applies!

A few weeks ago, a reporter asked for some truths for couples. After nearly 3 decades of working with couples, and almost 30 years of marriage, those truths were pretty quick to come to mind.

And after I was done talking, I realized that I needed to share the information in my podcast, so that you could access it, too.

Please, feel free to share it with others who are married, so they know the truth about marriage — and can build a great relationship!

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How You Show Up

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 23, 2022

We all “show ourselves” in our interactions with others. Sometimes, we truly Show Up, bringing our best self to the relationship.

Other times, we bring an angry/resentful presence to the table. Other times, it might be a cold/distant presence. And still other times, it might be a needy/desperate presence.

As you may have guessed, an angry or distant or needy presence rarely serves the relationship or the improvement of a relationship.

Maybe you think you are just responding to what is coming your way… that you are just following your spouse’s lead… or the lead of the world around you.

But we all get to choose how we will Show Up.

We get to choose how we want to be, who we want to be, in all of our relationships. We don’t have to leave it to reaction or fear, resentment or hurt. We can choose how and who we will be in life.

How do YOU Show Up?

Listen for how to Show Up the way you want to!

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Gut Punch Moments

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 2, 2022

I’ll bet you know exactly what I mean by the Gut Punch Moment. It is when your spouse says, “I don’t love you” or that variation, “I love you, but I’m not IN love with you.” Or when you discover the affair or other marital infidelity (including financial). Or when you discover some other hidden part of your spouse’s life that makes you question everything. Or when your spouse announces the need to separate. Or the divorce papers arrive.

Gut punch.

You lose your breath. You feel like a rug has been ripped from underneath your feet.

Gut punch.

And it might not be the first! It might be in the midst of efforts to save what you already know is a hurting marriage. Then, you find out more. Gut punch #2 (or 3, 4, 5….).

It wouldn’t be a surprise if you don’t react the way you want to or wish you had. That is often what happens. And then, there is a spouse looking at you, surprised by your reaction (do remember that whatever that gut punch, they already knew it — they had already prepared!).

But what now?

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we cover that Gut Punch Moment, and what to do about it. Listen below.

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Beyond Romance

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 16, 2022

For lots of people, this past Monday could not pass fast enough. I heard from a number of people with struggling marriages that told me Valentine’s Day was just one more hurdle. Not a celebration of love, but a moment of further resentment and pain.

Does romance just die with “I do”? Some people seem to think so. For others, the waning romantic feelings are one more proof that the marriage is dead, that the love is gone.

How did we go to using just the romantic feelings as the basis for love? When did this become proof that something was wrong?

And why do we seem to believe that the romantic feelings are either there… or they aren’t?

Somehow, this has become twisted, that romantic feelings lead to love, rather than the romantic feelings flowing from connection AND action.

When we disconnect, it shouldn’t be a surprise that those warm, romantic feelings also suffer. And then, somehow, many people fail to see that the connection and love flows from loving action.

So, can it be turned around?

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you the 3 barriers to those romantic feelings. And I give 4 ways to start rebuilding back toward romance.

Listen below.

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It’s Not About Who Wins

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 9, 2022

I remember saying to a couple on my couch, both claiming they were doing more and working harder for their relationship, “It’s not a competition!”

They didn’t much seem to believe me. They were simultaneously trying to win while proving they were losing. Yep, they were trying to win at a game of “who does more and gets less.” I am not sure what the trophy would have been, but the “prize” appeared to be a battered and painful marriage.

And they weren’t alone. They AREN’T alone! Lots of couples act like they are in a competition to win. And they think it is an individual sport, not a team sport!

That’s where the damage happens. Instead of playing to win at life, they are playing to win against a spouse.

Against. Anytime you find yourself against your spouse, you can guarantee the outcome is not a win for the team. It is not a help for the marriage… for the relationship.

With every win you get in an individual competition, there is a loser… in this case, your spouse. And if your spouse wins, you lose.

Learn why this is so dangerous and how to escape the one-on-one competition in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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Dragging a Spouse to Therapy…

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 31, 2022

The email said, “I talked my spouse into going to therapy.” Another one asked, “How do I drag my spouse to therapy?” Oof. The first person was proud of the “convincing.” The second person got my response:

You Don’t!

(Unless, of course, you want to damn the process from the very beginning… and in that case, drag away!)

Marriage therapy tends to be the default response to a marriage crisis (although the stats would not support this as the preferred action). If there is a problem, time to head to therapy! First task: get a spouse there. By pressure, if necessary.

I think there is a (false) belief that if you can just get them there, the therapist will work some magic and convince the spouse to work on the marriage. The therapist won’t/can’t. And your spouse won’t. Fail/fail.

But why?

There are some Therapy Traps that you fall into when you try to drag a spouse into therapy (I cover the Traps in the podcast episode below). And in the process, you actually cause further entrenchment on the part of your spouse that things won’t work out. Yep, it makes things worse.

I explain why in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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Discouraged? Here is what to do (5 things)…

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 19, 2022

Discouraged?

You are trying to save your marriage and… you can’t get traction. You move a little ahead, only to slide backward. Steps forward and steps backward.

And that is why you are discouraged.

Am I right?

What if I told you that was the nature of the process? What if I told you that almost everyone has moments of frustration?

Most people feel like giving up (and many do) at various points in their efforts. This is not a process that follows a steady line of progress. It is more a tangled line, running up and down.

This is important work. And that is what makes it so tough. Important things often feel the most frustrating… especially when they are not going the way you want them to go. But, and let me say this again, it is important work, saving your marriage.

Let me tell you the 5 things to do when you are discouraged, to help you keep moving forward. Listen to the episode below.

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2 Actions that Do More Harm than Good

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 12, 2022

You know that your marriage is in trouble. Your spouse said so. Maybe it was the “things have to change” speech. Or maybe it was the “I love you, but I’m not in love” speech. Or maybe it was a request to separate or even divorce.

It comes into clear focus. Sure, you knew things weren’t great. But you thought they would improve, that you would find your way back together. Instead, the reality is crashing in.

Your marriage is in trouble.

What do you do? How do you respond?

There are 2 actions that I see over and over again. Both of them, while well intentioned, actually make things worse. Instead of improvement, the crisis only deepens. The chance of recovery only plummets.

And you only wanted to turn things around!

Wrong actions, even with the best of intentions, can cause more damage than good.

I cover the dangerous actions in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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