save your marriage – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Marriage Wrecker: Disconnection

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg February 26, 2020 February 17, 2020

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 26, 2020

Your marriage is hurting. Why? What happened? What wrecked your marriage?

In the last podcast episode, I discussed how expectations can wreck a marriage.

But unfortunately, there are some other issues and concerns that can wreck your marriage. This week’s Marriage Wrecker is right at the top of the list.

In fact, it is a recurring theme in my work with couples. After discussing it in several coaching sessions in the last few days, I thought it was a good topic for an episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

What is connection? What is DISconnection… and why does it happen? We start there. We discuss how connection is the life-blood of your relationship… and what happens when it gets squeezed off… often for what seem like good reasons!

The result, though, is the same, even when disconnection is unintentional. (And it almost always is.)

I also cover what to do when you realize the cycle and are ready to break it (what to know and how to approach it, so you don’t get thrown off).

Listen to this important episode below.

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The Problem with Changing… and Proving It!

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 13, 2019

Things hit a bad spot in your marriage… and your spouse isn’t sure about staying or leaving the marriage. Sure, it may have been a relationship issue, but you may be feeling blamed.

It’s pretty common to go looking for the “bad guy” in any situation. And even if both of you are in pain and frustrated, you may be wanting to stay. While you may be able to point to things your spouse needs to change, you can probably see that approach is unlikely to get you very far.

And noting the relationship problems? That might “fall on deaf ears,” too.

Which means you may just be catching the blame.

And maybe you even agree with the critiques aimed your way. Maybe you even agree that there are some changes you need to make.

Now what?

Yes, you absolutely want to make the changes.

Maybe to prove you can. Maybe because you know you would be a better person for having changed.

Here is the problem: Change is hard, and rarely straightforward. When we make any significant changes in life, we are highly unlikely to hit 100% success. Every now and then, you are likely to fall short. You are likely to drift back into old habits, old actions, old responses.

That doesn’t mean you have failed. Only that change is often a journey.

But those slips? They will absolutely be seen as failures by a suspicious spouse who is not trusting the changes (or even your capacity to change).

And that is the problem with change.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I cover some questions about this that were submitted by listeners. Take a listen below!

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What Are You Controlling?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 18, 2016

So many times, I hear couples say, “Stop Controlling ME!” Interestingly, sometimes, both people are saying it to the other. BOTH people are not likely to get very far in controlling. But BOTH claim a controlling spouse, while NEITHER accepts being controlling.

Why is that?

From my perspective, people spend a great deal of energy trying to control things that cannot be controlled, and forgetting to control the things they CAN control.

And this is why both people can feel controlled, and neither can feel controlling.

Do you feel that you are in a controlling marriage, with a controlling spouse? Do you think YOU might be controlling, of your spouse and of your relationship?

Consider 3 categories of control, things over which you:

have NO control,
have PARTIAL control,
have FULL control.

Spend your time trying to control the things over which you have no control, and you are headed for frustration (your spouse’s and yours). Forget to control the things you can, and you are headed for problems.

Let’s talk about control — where you have it and where you don’t.

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Thanksgiving: Gratitude and Your Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 25, 2015

Here in the States, we are in the midst of the week of Thanksgiving. In fact, as this podcast comes out, it will be Thanksgiving. If you are celebrating, I hope you are with the ones you love. But whether you are or not, I hope you are inhaling gratitude and exhaling thanks.

The more research we do on gratitude and appreciation, the more we see how crucial it is for mental and relational well-being.

Since I am with my family, remembering all for which I am grateful, I wanted to share a Thanksgiving message, an encore presentation.

Many people fail to see where that place of thankfulness and gratitude may just transform your marriage. So, I share that with you today.

Oh, and I promise, thankfulness and gratitude WILL transform your life!

Happy Thanksgiving, wherever you are!

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Give Up On Your Expectations

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 21, 2015

Do you have expectations of your spouse? Does your spouse have expectations of you?

How’s that working out?

If you are like most couples, those expectations fail. Expectations aren’t met. Resentments grow. Disconnection creeps in.

Pretty soon, you both feel frustrated and angry.

Sound familiar?

There is a simple reason for this: Expectations never work. If you do what is expected, then you have only gotten to zero. Not above the line. Just to the line.

If you don’t meet the expectation, there is failure and disappointment.

Oh, and I forgot to tell you: expectations are just the way you believe other people should act. Which is far different than how people do act.

In marriage, the expectations can be about most anything: chores, parenting, money, intimacy, friends, hobbies, and any other area you can think of.

Some are spoken. Many are unspoken. And most end in failure.

Which raises the question: what do you do?

Give up on expectations (but not the marriage).

Listen to the podcast below and discover what I mean, and how to re-orient yourself — not just in marriage, but in life.

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How To Move From Discouraged To Courageous

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 25, 2015

I heard it for the first time the other day. It happened when a client was telling me about feeling discouraged.

That word, “discouraged,” hit me.

Dis-couraged. To lose courage.

We can be discouraged, losing our courage. We can be encouraged, taking courage in. And we can act courageously — act, in spite of fear.

Courage is not the absence of fear. It is choosing to act, to do what is right or good, even in the face of fear.

“Courage” comes from a Latin word, “cor,” which means “heart.”

You see, courage comes from the heart, from our core being. Courage comes from an inner strength, an understanding of what needs to be done.

Have you been discouraged?

Learn the 6 steps back to COURAGE.

RESOURCES MENTIONED:
Why To Save Your Marriage
Having A Plan To Save Your Marriage
The 3 C’s of Saving Your Marriage
The Save The Marriage System
Email Me About Virtual Coaching

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An Interview with Rhoberta Shaler: Kaizen For Couples

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 18, 2015

Kaizen is the idea of slow, constant change. It revolutionized the Japanese auto industry, and can be applied to your life. You can look for those places of growth, opportunities for change. They don’t have to be earth-shattering. They can be gradual.

Dr. Rhoberta Shaler

Today, I have the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Rhoberta Shaler. Rhoberta has worked for over 3 decades with couples and individuals around the world. She has expertise in high-conflict relationships, and is skilled in helping people deal with passive-aggressive behavior.

Dr. Shaler has an intimate understanding of passive-aggressive behavior, having witnessed it in her own family as a child. This has given her empathy for people who act in passive aggressive ways, and those whom must deal with it.

More recently, Rhoberta has developed a system for couples to use, who wish to break through old patterns and form more healthy approaches to their relationship.

In her book, Kaizen for Couples, Rhoberta gives a full methodology of how couples can shift their patterns of interaction, to be more genuine and honest — and to better meet each other’s needs.

In our discussion together, Rhoberta and I talk about high conflict relationships, dealing with passive aggressive behavior, and how to make constant changes toward growth in a relationship — even if only one person wants to take on the shifts.

Join me as I interview Dr. Rhoberta Shaler.

Links mentioned in the podcast:
RelationshipHelpDoctor.com
HighConflictManagement.com
PassiveAggressiveChecklist.com

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The Ghosts of Relationship Past: #71 Save Your Marriage Podcast

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 23, 2014

The past can hold you hostage. The “ghosts” of the past can hold your marriage hostage.

Sit back and let me share a story with you. It’s Christmas Eve. Chris and Holly are trying to sleep.

They can’t. Their disconnection has never felt worse. Isn’t it that time of year for love and family? Songs sing of love and warmth.

Instead, Holly and Chris only feel bitterness and cold.

The stockings are hung, the presents are wrapped. Night has come, but not sleep.

Every day, Holly and Chris feel haunted by what “should be,” and the reality of “what is.”

Can anything change? Can anything be better?

Tonight, Chris and Holly are haunted. Not by their thoughts, but by the Ghosts of Relationship Past. These apparitions have important lessons to learn.

Will Chris and Holly learn before it is too late? Listen below to find out. (If you would rather read, you can find the article at YourTango right here.)

Want more help on Forgiveness? Check out this Audio.

Want more on connection? Check out this Resource.

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2 Necessary Feelings and 3 Ways You Hurt Them: #70 Save Your Marriage Podcast

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 17, 2014

Feelings. We all have them.

Sometimes, we have the wrong feelings. And we try to get away from those feelings.

In a relationship in trouble, you can guarantee that someone is not feeling the way that he or she wants to feel. So, that person tries to get away from what is making them feel that way.

Unfortunately, that “something” is more a “someone,” the spouse.

Are YOU making your spouse feel something that is causing him or her to want to get away?

There are 2 primary feelings that must be in a strong relationship. The opposite of those feelings tend to push couples apart.

Those 2 feelings?

Feeling wanted.
Feeling accepted.

You may not feel wanted or accepted. If you are working on saving and improving your relationship, let me suggest you set that aside for now. Focus on how you can help your spouse feel wanted and accepted.

In this week’s podcast, I talk about these feelings (and their opposites) and 3 ways you may be hurting those feelings for your spouse.

Join me as we explore these 2 necessary feelings and 3 ways we hurt those feelings.

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Love Languages and Marriage: An Interview with Dr. Gary Chapman

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 3, 2014

Maybe languages just aren’t my thing.

In high school, I took French. I switched to Spanish in college. But my grades weren’t where I thought they should be (foolish me!). So, I tried out Latin. THAT was a massive failure! And since I needed to make it to a literature class before graduating, I went back to French. . . and stumbled through it.

Then, graduate school. In my Master’s program, the Seminary required Hebrew and Greek. Youch! Even the letters were unrecognizable! In fact I made a deal with my Hebrew teacher. I promised that if he passed me, I would NEVER use Hebrew, or even admit he had been my professor.

Okay, I DID master a computer language in high school: BASIC. That was long before Al Gore (or anyone else) invented the internet. But I did get that one down (and it is long gone from my brain!).

So, suffice it to say I am now illiterate in 5 languages!

But love languages. That is a different thing!

Dr. Gary Chapman

There are very few books that I recommend without reservation or explanation. One such book is The 5 Love Languages, by Dr. Gary Chapman.

Dr. Chapman’s idea is elegantly simple, easily grasped, and very implementable. All elements of a useful resource!

Over and over, I have referred people to Gary’s best-selling book (over 11 million copies sold around the world). And I even reference his material in my Save The Marriage System.

So, I decided it was time to sit down and chat with Gary. I wanted HIM to explain his concepts to you. And I wanted US to discuss how his ideas can radically transform (and even save) your relationship.

But more than that, I wanted to discuss how Dr. Chapman’s ideas apply to all relationships: family, parenting, work, friends, and spouses.

What finally “lit the fire” for me was a conversation with my daughter. I discovered that she had been taught about the 5 love languages at college.

What I discovered was a kind, warm, gentle, and insightful person in Dr. Chapman.

As you will hear, Dr. Chapman has a background in anthropology. He also trained as a religious educator, and received his Ph.D.. Dr. Chapman discovered, in his early days of ministry, the deep need for healing in families. So, Gary shifted his focus to counseling.

And it was “in the trenches” that Dr. Chapman realized how many people were feeling unloved by spouses desperately trying to show love. Upon looking over his notes, he saw their were 5 categories, languages, of love — ways people understand, feel, and show love. In our interview, Dr. Chapman covers each one. But here is a list:

Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch

(If you are trying to decide on your love language, you can take the quiz at 5LoveLanguages.com )

Listen in as Dr. Chapman and I discuss these 5 love languages.

Toward the end of our conversation, Gary and I discuss a Marriage Experiment. You will hear us discuss it at length, but I want to invite you to take on the experiment.

Gary and I have created a document that will walk you through the entire process.

Click Here

Grab The Marriage Experiment

Thank you for your interest in trying The Marriage Experiment. We just want to know where to send the information. Please give us your best email and we will send it right over.

CLICK HERE TO GRAB THE MARRIAGE EXPERIMENT GUIDE.[/wpob id="1"]

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