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Posts Tagged :

why marriages fail

Slow Slide, Then All At Once
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Marriages collapse slowly, then all at once.I’ve seen it so many times.  A marriage is slowly, slowly, slowly moving apart.  Then, suddenly, it is ending!  Slowly, then all at once.

A recent survey from a divorce attorney group showed the central dynamic of marriages ending:  they slowly drifted apart.

You may not need a survey to tell you about this threat.  I sure didn’t.  I’ve seen it over and over.  Nothing drastic or sudden.  Just slowly disconnecting.  Slowly drifting apart.  And slowly failing.

Maybe you hit the Pause Button… and didn’t know how dangerous that can be!

Maybe it was easier to just ignore the little issues… the ones that are much larger in the face of disconnection.

But either way, the ending of a marriage just starts slowly, imperceptibly… until one person finally “can’t do it anymore.”  And then, the crisis is deep.  Deeper than you knew.

How does it work?  I cover it in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
The Importance of Connection
The Pause Button Marriage
Healing Disconnection
The Save The Marriage System

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NMF: The Fastest Path to Failure
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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NMF Syndrom: Why "Its not my fault" just keeps you stuck and what to do.The email was pages long, all about the problems in her marriage.  Each line was about how her husband had ruined the marriage.  She pointed out actions of her husband, and he did make mistakes (no abuse, mind you).

She wanted to know what to do — how to save her marriage — given the fact that it wasn’t her fault.  She was clear that she wanted the marriage, but she just didn’t know what to do, after all he had done to damage the relationship.

NMF

She was skidding down the fastest path to failing in her efforts.  And she didn’t see how she had anything to do with it.

NMF

When we talked on the phone, I asked a little bit more about the dynamics of the relationship.  But I noticed she kept shifting back to “he did…,” “he didn’t….” She could point out his failures and shortcomings.

And then she would return to her question:  Given his actions, how could she save her marriage?

NMF

I had no doubt that she really wanted to save her marriage.  And I had little doubt that she would be unsuccessful.

Because she had fallen in the NMF trap.  Figured it out yet?  The NMF trap is “Not My Fault.”

Here is the problem with “Not My Fault”:  It leaves you stuck.  It does relieve you of blame or fault.  But it also tends to rob people of responsibility (Response-Ability).

Let’s talk about why this trap happens and how to avoid it.  Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Show Up
How You Hide
Choosing To Work
Connection
Being A WE
Save The Marriage System

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Immutable Law of Marriage: It’s About WE
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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We start a new series this week,Marriage is about becoming a WE. The Immutable Laws of Marriage.

The universe is ruled by laws. Our world is ruled by laws.  And these are not the ones enforced by a governmental agency.

These laws are more akin to, for example, gravity.  If you jump up, you come down, thanks to gravity.  When you trip, gravity takes over and you hit the floor.

You can momentarily escape the law of gravity.  For example, a trampoline can propel you up.  But that “escape” will still end with the law taking over.  The penalty of violation?  Hitting the ground again.

These immutable laws of marriage are like that.  You may violate the law for a bit.  But the violation will come back to bite you.  There will be a price to pay, if you continue trying to violate these laws.

This week, I cover the first law.  I believe it is also the most important.  And it is a law that most people don’t know or understand.  Violating this law may lead to failure of a marriage.  But at the very least, the marriage will not be as strong or satisfying as it could be.

The first law?  “Marriage Is About Becoming A WE.”

Listen below to learn how to abide by this law — and the dangers of violating it.

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There Is No PAUSE Button For A Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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There is no Pause button in a marriage.Too many people think they hit “Pause” on their marriage.  They are waiting for something to happen, and then it will be time for their marriage.  Maybe it is when the kids hit a certain age (or leave the house), when a career gets to some certain point, when goals are achieved, etc., etc., etc.

There is only one problem:  there is NO PAUSE for a marriage!

Marriages, and all relationships, are either growing or declining, proceeding or receding.

There is no pause.

The lifeblood of any marriage is connection.  When people think they hit the pause button, usually, the connection is also paused.  And when connection is paused, the circulation system of the relationship is choked.  The relationship begins to suffocate.  Soon, frustration builds.  Disconnection accelerates.

And that is when I have clients tell me, “I thought we were OK.  I knew we were a little disconnected, but I thought it was just a life stage.  I thought we would come back to the relationship when. . . .”  And they discover a spouse who is feeling done.

There is no pause in a relationship.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Don’t Chase
Have A Plan
Build The Connection
Think WE
Speak The Love Language
Grab The System

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What Plane Crashes, Scuba Accidents, Rampant Dinosaurs, and Medical Mistakes Have To Do With Your Marriage Crisis: #51 Save The Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Why marriages succeed or fail.So what DO airplane and scuba accidents have to do with marriage problems?  What CAN rampaging dinosaurs and medical accidents teach us about your marriage problems?

As it turns out, A WHOLE HECK OF A LOT!

For years, I have had a strange fascination with reading Scuba accident reports.  And for about that same amount of time, science theories about accidents and chaos theory have been an interest.

The reason for this is because those same dynamics play a role in any system failure — including marriage!

“John” and “Susie” are not having problems because of an argument or even infidelity.  Those are just pieces of the puzzle.  The problem is that John and Susie keep looking at those little pieces — and they miss the bigger view — the one that COULD help them get back on track.

In this podcast, you will learn about the chain of events that create a marriage crisis.  You will learn about the pattern that spirals out of control and can spell catastrophe for a marriage.  And you will learn how shifting perspective can change the whole pattern.

Let me know what you think in the comments area below!

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Video: Why Do Marriages Fail?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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People often start with the question “can this marriage be saved?”  Let me suggest that first, you need to understand why marriages fail.  We will  be examining this in the first video.

If you are ready to start saving your marriage, please watch the video so you will understand what happens to a marriage.