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Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Are You Dissing Your Marriage? 3 Ways….
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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3 ways you are dissing your marriage and hurting your relationship.I am way too uncool to ever use “Diss” in a conversation.

That said, I will drop it into a headline, because I see too many couples “dissing” their relationship, without even meaning to.

Distraction, Disinterest, and Disconnection lead to Disrespect of your relationship.

And it often becomes habit, usually without you meaning to.

The bad news is, these 3 ways you “diss” a relationship eat away at the foundations.

The good news is that once you know what you are doing, you can change it. Even turn it around.

Learn how you are dissing your marriage, and how to stop in this week’s podcast.

Listen below.

RESOURCES:
Power of Connection
Marriage Crisis Mistakes to Avoid
Why Your Efforts May Be Failing
Save The Marriage System

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The Danger of a Shortcut
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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All the "short-cuts" got you to here.I admit it.  The phone call got under my skin.  We were traveling and I answered the call.  The person asked if I was the “save the marriage guy.”  I told him I was.  He told me he didn’t want my System.  Just the secret, the “short-cut.”

When I told him he needed the whole System, he said he didn’t want to go through all of that.  He just needed the “trick,” the short-cut.

We went round and round for a couple more minutes.

I realized I was not going to convince him, but all the “short-cuts” he had been trying is what got him to here.

He hung up, likely still looking for the “short-cut.”

And I was left thinking.  Wondering.  Pondering.

And realizing that there is a distinct difference between being efficient and trying to find the “trick.”  Those “tricks” are all the things on the internet about “hypnosis,” “reverse psychology,” “spells,” or any of those other manipulations.

You can be efficient in your efforts.  You can be effective in your plan.  But not by taking the “short-cuts” that are really just tricks.

Can I tell you more about this?  Listen to the podcast below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Reverse Psychology is Dangerous
No-Contact is Crap
Don’t Choose Manipulation
Grab My Save The Marriage System

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Have You Been “Friend Zoned”?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Did you get Friend Zoned in your marriage? Are you only roommates now? What does that mean?I often get a message that goes something like this, “We have been making progress on our marriage.  I’ve been working hard to reconnect, and think I have done a good job.  But lately, we don’t seem to be making any more progress.  Did my spouse Friend Zone me??”

Since I have heard this from coaching clients and total strangers, people in my program and listeners of my podcast, I thought I needed to address it.

First, let me just say, there is a “Zone” of disconnection and recovery that can feel like a stagnant friend zone.  But is that really what it is?

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss what people mean when they say “Friend Zoned” or “Roommates Only,” and why it happens.  I also discuss what a healthy marriage looks like.  We dive into the process of connection (along with disconnection and reconnection).  And I talk about why you always pass through this zone… in both directions. Then, we discuss why some people get stuck here.  And we look at how to make sure you don’t get stuck.

Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Book:  How to Save Your Marriage in 3 Simple Steps
Program:  Save The Marriage System
Coaching:  VIP Program
Training:  Why Connection is so Important
Training:  How to Resolve the Disconnection

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Is It Time for a Bootcamp??
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I have some friends who have been in different bootcamps this past year.  Most are fitness-oriented… getting back into shape, improving your running, improving your tennis, things like that. Bootcamps are great ways to get up-to-speed as quickly as possible, so you perform better.

In the military, people go through bootcamp to get ready to be a soldier.  It is intense and challenging, but designed to get someone ready to face a challenge elsewhere.

Is it time for a bootcamp? How about a Husband Bootcamp?Bootcamps are a great way to get up-to-speed for what comes next.

Which is why I created the Husband Bootcamp.

I remember sitting in my office with a couple trying to get back on-track.  They were stumbling and struggling.  Then, she turned toward him and said, “You are a good man.  But you are a bad husband.” It was like a hammer at hit him in the face.  He was embarrassed and upset.  At first, he was angry.  But then, he caught himself, turned to me, and said, “I am doing the best I can… and I am failing.  What can I do?”

That started an impromptu bootcamp.  We called it the Husband Bootcamp.  Along with a few others, this was transformational for their marriage.

Recently, I decided it was time to bring that to a bigger audience.  We have been working hard to put the finishing touches on things.  But in the meantime, I wanted to give you a little insight on what it is about, who can benefit, and how to jump in (or gift it to your spouse).

Listen below for info.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Get Updates and Info on the Husband Bootcamp HERE
Grab the Save The Marriage System Here
Learn More About One Person Helping A Marriage Here

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Is It Just Delaying The Inevitable?
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Are you just delaying the inevitable, or can you really save a marriage?I get this question often enough to know that you may be wondering, too. Is it really possible to save a marriage, or are you just delaying the inevitable?

Many people want to know this before they even start the process. They want to make sure that the effort will be worth it. If not, why go through the struggle, right?

Some people do make the effort to save their marriage… but they never quite get to the point of really changing anything. They might engage a bit, work on it a bit… and they gain some ground. But in reality, nothing changed. It’s more like cleaning a house that is in disrepair. It looks better, but nothing got fixed.

Then, there are others. They decide that they can’t go back. They realize the relationship must change. And change it, they do!

And save their marriage, they do!

The question is really about whether the real change happened, or just a “spring cleaning.”

The choice between the two? All yours.

Listen to this episode of the podcast for more on making those real changes.

RELATED RESOURCES
The Goal of Marriage
3 Secrets To Saving
The Importance of Connection
Your Plan To Save Your Marriage

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4 Reasons Why You Aren’t Saving Your Marriage
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First, let me be clear:  if you are actively saving your marriage, working toward a better relationship… stop reading and go do something else!  This won’t apply to you!

You can feel like quitting, but there is some part of you that knows your marriage matters. So you refuse to quit. But what is keeping you stuck? We talk about it on the Save The Marriage Podcast.But if you want to save your marriage… but for some reason, you just can’t get moving… hang with me!  YOU are the one that will benefit from this episode.  That “some reason” is what I want to take a look at.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss the 4 “F” words that are keeping you from taking action… keeping you from saving your marriage.

I discuss 4 reasons why you are stuck and aren’t saving your marriage.  Just to be clear, these are the reasons you are stuck… and has nothing to do with what your spouse is doing.

Let’s be clear about what typically holds people back.  And yes, there may be some other reasons. I want to cover the 4 reasons I see repeatedly. And yes, they can keep you from taking any action. Unless, of course, you find an alternative.  I’ll give you that alternative, too.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Fear and Marriage
Your Team for Support
Why Does It Matter?
Beware of Unhelpful Approaches
Save The Marriage System

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Switches or Dials?
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If you are saving your marriage, stop looking for a switch. Work the dials to make your changes.No, this isn’t some electrical engineering idea. Instead, it has more to do with human nature.

We often want to find the switch, the on/off switch for some situation. Turn off stress by doing this, turn on fitness by doing this. On or off. With a switch.

This causes us to be looking for some super-easy, simple solution… often to complex issues. Particularly when it is a marriage crisis.

A marriage — much less a marriage crisis — is not an on/off situation, and no simple switch will turn it around.

Yet that is what many people want. The solution that is as easy as flipping a switch.

Yes, your marriage can be saved and improved, but not with some simple switch.  Instead, think about it as dials. Instead of a master switch, there can be a number of dials. Dialing up connection. Dialing down conflict. Dialing up warmth. Dialing down resentment.

We discuss this tendency to look for a switch — and the need to focus on the dials —  in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Why Connection is so Important
Dangerous Tricks
The No-Contact Rule
3C Approach
Save The Marriage System

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Too Self-Centered for Your Marriage?
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Where do we start? Where we always start... with ourselves. Our viewpoint, our perspective. Is that about being selfish or self-centered? Maybe. Maybe not.“You are just too selfish and self-centered.  That is why we have marriage problems.”  Have you heard that before?

A listener is wondering if she is too self-centered for her marriage.  I am guessing that her spouse has told her just that.  Maybe even said she is selfish.

It is always interesting when I hear this accusation in my office… from both people!  At the same time!

Both accuse the other of causing the problems because they are too selfish and self-centered.

To be clear, it is entirely possible to be self-centered and selfish… certainly completely out of balance with what is healthy.  And it is possible to be accused of that, but it is really something else.

Let’s talk about your perspective, what it might mean to be “selfish,” and when it might be a problem (along with when it might actually be another problem).

Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
WE is the Goal
Working on WE, Working on ME
Pause-Button Problems
Healing Disconnection
Save The Marriage System

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The Spouse Predicament
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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What do you do when a spouse is resistant to working on and saving your marriage? Can you just keep dealing with them? Can you just give them information? The spouse predicament.It’s a predicament, isn’t it?  It would be so much easier to save your marriage… if it weren’t for that pesky spouse.  (I jest, but you might actually feel this way.)

You make an effort, your spouse resists.  You take a step forward, your spouse takes a step backward… and tries to drag you back, too!

What DO you do?  When your spouse is so convinced that nothing can change.

Or maybe when your spouse starts to see some possibility… and you don’t know what to do, what to share, how to help.

Quite the predicament, isn’t it?

It certainly is for Lauren and Kristine.  They both emailed me questions for the podcast.  Seemingly from different places in the process.  But both were stuck on the Spouse Predicament.

Lauren has a spouse who cannot see a way forward, and resists every effort.  Is he being selfish? Should Lauren feel shame that she keeps trying… in spite of his resistance?

And Kristine is still stuck in the predicament.  But her spouse is seeing a possibility, a glimmer of hope.  How does Kristine avoid putting out the spark?  How much info to share?

The Spouse Predicament.  More closely aligned than it might seem.

We work to resolve the predicament on the podcast.  Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES:
The Husband Bootcamp
Beyond the 3 Barriers Book
The Hope Formula
Hope and Marriage
The Save The Marriage System

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Slow Slide, Then All At Once
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Marriages collapse slowly, then all at once.I’ve seen it so many times.  A marriage is slowly, slowly, slowly moving apart.  Then, suddenly, it is ending!  Slowly, then all at once.

A recent survey from a divorce attorney group showed the central dynamic of marriages ending:  they slowly drifted apart.

You may not need a survey to tell you about this threat.  I sure didn’t.  I’ve seen it over and over.  Nothing drastic or sudden.  Just slowly disconnecting.  Slowly drifting apart.  And slowly failing.

Maybe you hit the Pause Button… and didn’t know how dangerous that can be!

Maybe it was easier to just ignore the little issues… the ones that are much larger in the face of disconnection.

But either way, the ending of a marriage just starts slowly, imperceptibly… until one person finally “can’t do it anymore.”  And then, the crisis is deep.  Deeper than you knew.

How does it work?  I cover it in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
The Importance of Connection
The Pause Button Marriage
Healing Disconnection
The Save The Marriage System

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