Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. – Page 43 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

4 Marriage Crisis Mistakes To Avoid

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg January 13, 2016 January 7, 2016

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 13, 2016

A marriage crisis doesn’t ever start as a crisis. It may start as a deficit in action or understanding, inattention, neglect, or some small altercation.

But it can spread over time, engulfing the entire relationship in crisis.

Many times, people tell me, “I should have taken action long ago, but _______.”

Fill in the blank with:

“I didn’t know what to do.”
“I didn’t know we were in trouble.”
“I was afraid to do anything.”
“I was afraid I would make it worse.”
“I shouldn’t be the one who has to do something.”

Mistakes along the way begin to escalate the marriage problem, until it is a full-blown marriage crisis. Then what?

Then, you have to avoid these 4 mistakes. (My bet is that the first mistake has already been made.)

Learn what the mistakes are, and how to avoid or correct them.

RELATED RESOURCE:
Save The Marriage System

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

How To Make Each Day A New Start

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 6, 2016

We tend to love the “new.” A new outfit, new car, new year, new whatever. It always feels like a fresh start, full of possibilities. But the newness tends to fade fast. Then, it is just another outfit, just the car you drive, just another year.

Take that car, for example. If you are like me, that first ding or dent changes something. That first stain or damage takes out it out of “new.” Oh, sure, you keep the car. But it loses a little of the allure.

Unfortunately, the same is often true with relationships. A new relationship, without all the history, the hurts and laughs, can seem to be the easiest way. But it never has the same depth, the same “soul.”

I have this scar on my leg that reminds me of that huge wipeout on a skateboard when I was 13. I still remember the pain (I don’t remember the actual accident, thanks to cracking my head on a cinderblock). But I also remember the epic run that led to the accident. That scar tells me a story (and certainly didn’t keep me from skateboarding!).

Relationships are like that. We find strength from the struggles. We find comfort from the joys. Together, they can knit a powerful relationship. But too often, we just get mired down in the pains, ready to walk away.

We have to find some way to hold onto the relationship, but release the pains.

One way is to see each day as a new beginning, a new chance. Not just to keep making the same old mistakes, but to create something amazing.

So, why isn’t each day a new beginning? Because we stay trapped to the past. We don’t move forward in new and better ways. We end up reliving the same day, over and over.

We have a chance to embrace each day as a new opportunity, for ourselves and for our relationship. In today’s episode, I tell you the 6 steps to take, in order to make each day a new way.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

New Year, New You in 1 Word

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 30, 2015

Here we are, on the cusp of a new year. Just another day. But in another way, a whole new day and whole new year.

No matter what this year has been for you, time to let it go and move forward. We spend way too much time looking back at what has been. That keeps us from truly looking forward toward what will and can be.

Let the last year stay behind you as you turn the calendar page. Let’s move toward something new.

Who you were is someone you never have to be again, unless you want to be! Otherwise, lets choose a new direction in the New Year.

If you are waiting for a lesson in making New Year’s resolutions, look elsewhere. I used to do that. I would end up with a list of 5 to 10 resolutions, made completely sober, that would fall one-by-one during the first few weeks of January, each year.

One word.

That is all you need for your change in this year.

One word.

Listen for how I do this, and how you can do the same (along with a few suggested shifts in perspective).

What is YOUR word?

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Holiday Edition: Ghosts of Relationship Past

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 23, 2015

Christmas Eve. Chris and Holly have settled into bed. Neither can sleep. It is not, however, sugarplums dancing in their heads.

Both are replaying the arguments and hurts of the past. Neither feels connected, although both are desperate for that warm embrace each used to treasure.

What happened? Where did their relationship fall into trouble?

Can they find their way back?

First, they will have to make it through a night of haunts, as the Ghosts of Relationship Past visit them this night.

Are they the same ghosts that haunt your relationship? Is there a path through the pain?

Listen in as Chris and Holly face the hauntings of their relationship.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Confusion or Connection?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 16, 2015

Last week, on four separate coaching calls, I listened as a client said, “I’m confused.” The client would then describe some behavior from a spouse that was causing my client to feel confused. Maybe they had a good interaction, but an hour later, things went south. Or perhaps they had a warm conversation before bed. But in the morning, the chill had returned. Or maybe the spouse was talking about working on things, only to say a day or so later, “This just won’t work.”

Confusion.

Understandable, right? Understandable, but not helpful.

Generally, once someone is confused, they are far less effective in connecting. It seems it is a choice between confusion and connection.

Don’t be confused. That is not where you want to focus your energy. Learn why to not focus there, and how to re-focus.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Your “Why”
Your Plan
hitYour Save The Marriage System
Your VIP Invite

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Break Your Agreements!

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 9, 2015

Yep. Just break your agreements. All of them.

No, not your agreement to take out the trashcan, clean the house, bring home the paycheck, pick up the kids, or some other agreement you have WITH your spouse.

Break your agreements you have ABOUT your spouse.

Your agreements are your beliefs you have “agreed” with yourself about. They are beliefs you have, and remind yourself of, that you have of your spouse.

Perhaps you believe that your spouse is controlling or angry or distant or cold (even frigid) or rejecting or. . . any other belief you have.

You “agree” with yourself about these beliefs. Without really finding proof or evidence, you decide that these beliefs are true, just by agreeing with yourself.

BREAK those agreements! They do not serve you or your relationship.

Listen below to learn more.

And then join me in the Save The Marriage System.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

How To Move From Desperation to Aspiration

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 2, 2015

We’ve all felt that feeling of desperation. Everything seems to be closing in. Life seems to be flying along, out of control, dragging you with it. You feel breathless, anxious, out of control, fearful, and desperate.

Whenever there is a crisis, desperation tends to be the default setting for humans. It is just the way we are wired. Not particularly helpful, but it is pretty much the default state.

Unfortunately, desperation often has the opposite effect than the one you want. It pushes what you want further away.

Think about times when someone is desperate to “meet someone,” or “get a job,” or “make a sale.” Watch as people flee from them, almost as if the person is repelling them.

Fortunately, there is another mode: aspiration. It is far more attractive, far more healthy, and feels far better. But you have to choose to make the switch. Desperation is default. Aspiration is by choice.

Care to know how to make that switch? Listen to this week’s podcast, as I talk you through the switch.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Thanksgiving: Gratitude and Your Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 25, 2015

Here in the States, we are in the midst of the week of Thanksgiving. In fact, as this podcast comes out, it will be Thanksgiving. If you are celebrating, I hope you are with the ones you love. But whether you are or not, I hope you are inhaling gratitude and exhaling thanks.

The more research we do on gratitude and appreciation, the more we see how crucial it is for mental and relational well-being.

Since I am with my family, remembering all for which I am grateful, I wanted to share a Thanksgiving message, an encore presentation.

Many people fail to see where that place of thankfulness and gratitude may just transform your marriage. So, I share that with you today.

Oh, and I promise, thankfulness and gratitude WILL transform your life!

Happy Thanksgiving, wherever you are!

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

There Is No PAUSE Button For A Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 18, 2015

Too many people think they hit “Pause” on their marriage. They are waiting for something to happen, and then it will be time for their marriage. Maybe it is when the kids hit a certain age (or leave the house), when a career gets to some certain point, when goals are achieved, etc., etc., etc.

There is only one problem: there is NO PAUSE for a marriage!

Marriages, and all relationships, are either growing or declining, proceeding or receding.

There is no pause.

The lifeblood of any marriage is connection. When people think they hit the pause button, usually, the connection is also paused. And when connection is paused, the circulation system of the relationship is choked. The relationship begins to suffocate. Soon, frustration builds. Disconnection accelerates.

And that is when I have clients tell me, “I thought we were OK. I knew we were a little disconnected, but I thought it was just a life stage. I thought we would come back to the relationship when. . . .” And they discover a spouse who is feeling done.

There is no pause in a relationship.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Don’t Chase
Have A Plan
Build The Connection
Think WE
Speak The Love Language
Grab The System

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

4 Mind Modes Killing Your Relationship

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 11, 2015

What is a “mind mode”? This is what happens when your brain is caught in a state. Sometimes, it is held hostage to a reactive state. Other times, you get to choose a shift.

The dangerous modes are all reactive, based in fear, threat, and the desire to win (or at least be right). Then there are 2 other modes that you can choose to adopt.

On automatic, in the midst of a relationship crisis, the 4 dangerous modes grab you and call the shots. When you take your mind off automatic, you get to call the shots.

Here are the 4 destructive modes:

Flight
Fight
Right
Spite

Which mode grips you? The dangerous (and destructive) modes or the constructive modes?

RELATED RESOURCES:
What’s Your Why?
What’s Your Plan?
Show Up
Shift Your Mode

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS