Save Your Marriage Podcast – Page 40 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Fear Got You Stuck?

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg March 2, 2016 February 24, 2016

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 2, 2016

Just the other day, I received a message from someone who said she wanted to save her marriage BUT she was afraid. She told me about the fear that gripped her, SO she couldn’t work on saving her marriage. I tried to have a discussion with her, but she had a mistaken belief that her fear was keeping her from saving her marriage.

It was not her fear. It was her. She was keeping herself from working on saving her marriage. Fear = background noise, at least in the process of saving your marriage.

Fear should never choose your actions. Fear should never dictate what you do (or don’t do). But many times, it does.

You probably already know that EVERYONE feels fear. And many of us forget that fear is just that — a feeling. We make it real. We make it some determining factor in what we can do. Fear can keep you stuck. But it doesn’t have to. That choice is up to you.

Discover how to keep your fear from keeping you stuck (notice I did NOT say “how to not feel fear”) and how to move forward.

RELATED RESOURCES
3 Steps To Save Your Marriage
You Need A Plan
Tools of Connection
The System
The VIP Program

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Don’t Complicate It

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 24, 2016

Sometimes, I am working with a client and suggest an approach, only to hear the next week, “I did that, and I (added this twist), and things got worse!” I always ask, “Why did you do that? Why did you make that change?” And usually, my client says, “It seemed too simple.”

We humans are funny creatures. We always want to complicate things!

A word of advice: DON’T!

While it may not be easy, the process of saving your marriage is really simple. Don’t complicate it. Find your approach, create your plan, and stick with it.

Learn about how to follow a simple process in this week’s podcast. Don’t complicate it!

RELATED RESOURCES
3 Steps To Save Your Marriage
Have A Plan
Save The Marriage System

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Start With Your Destination

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 17, 2016

Stephen Cove, in 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, noted that you should always start with the end in mind. Great advice. If you don’t know where you are headed, how will you ever get there?

When I was a child, I loved maps (truthfully, I still do). I would study the globe and atlas, I would open roadmaps, and imagine all the places you could go. I loved the idea of so much world out there to explore.

But in the end, a map is useless until you pick a destination. Then, you can start planning the trip. If you know where you are going, you can “reverse engineer” the process to get from “here” to “there.”

That holds true for dealing with a relationship, in trouble or not. If you know where you want to get to, you can begin to navigate in that direction. Will it be a direct route? Nope. But what trip ever is?

Every day, your destination can re-align you, with course corrections along the way.

But if you don’t know where you are headed, then you have a problem!

Pick your destination, and let’s navigate from here to there.

RELATED RESOURCES:
What’s Your Why?
The No Contact Rule Is CRAP
Save The Marriage System

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Are You “Dissing” Your Marriage (right into a disaster)?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 10, 2016

Let me just be clear that I have never been cool or hip enough to tell someone they are “dissing” me — at least not with a straight face!

But many people are doing that — dissing their marriage, with 5 different levels of “dis.” Ending in a Disaster!

Think of these as layers — levels, headed toward deeper and deeper trouble.

And it all starts innocently enough, with disappointment. It may be disappointment over what marriage is about, or disappointment with the spouse. That opens the door to a deepening level of pain and difficulties, unless it is addressed at the earliest stages.

Here are the 5 Dis’s that lead to Disaster:

Disappointment
⬇️
Disconnection
⬇️
Distrust
⬇️
Disgust
⬇️
Disdain

So, let me ask again — Are you and/or your spouse guilty of Dissing your marriage?

Learn what happens at each stage, and how to pull back from the looming DISaster. Listen below (and share, if it is helpful).

RELATED RESOURCES
Connection Help
Be Civil
Respect
Save The Marriage System
VIP Program

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3 Problems With Marital Therapy (That Therapists Won’t Tell You)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 3, 2016

Let me say it here, in writing: I am NOT opposed to marital therapy. I am quite concerned, however, on how marital therapy happens now. I am concerned about the effectiveness of marital therapy. And I am concerned for people who blindly seek out marital therapy, expecting it to help.

If you don’t know it, my training and background is as a marriage and family therapist. I spent years, and several degrees, preparing to be a marriage therapist.

And I was pretty disillusioned to see how ineffective marital therapy, overall, has been shown to be. Statistics are about the bigger view, not the specific therapist with a specific couple. But from the overall view, according to meta analysis of studies, about 75% of people who go to marital therapy still divorce. Only around 10-15% report a positive help.

Now, you see my issues. Why, if this is the primary way of helping a marriage, is it so ineffective? Three reasons: 1) Therapist training, 2) Therapist orientation, 3) Client resistance.

Listen in to this podcast to understand the issues. Then, you can make a better choice about whether therapy makes sense, how to find a good therapist, and how to make sure you and your spouse are truly ready for therapy.

(And if you aren’t, that doesn’t mean there is nothing you can do! That is why I created the Save The Marriage System, and why we offer Relationship Coaching.)

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Try A NEW Marriage Model!

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 27, 2016

We all have ideas, “mental models,” of what things are and how things work. Those models tend to change over time, both throughout history in in your own life.

A great example is marriage. Did you know that several millennia back, a marriage was a property transfer? A man needed help, a wife and kids. So, the man made a deal with another family, paying that family a “dowry” for that woman. She (and the kids) was property.

Did you know that same model is still true in some areas of the world?

If you are reading this, that is not likely to be your model of marriage. Over time, western culture has shifted through several other models of marriage. Some were utilitarian — a marriage was designed to be a place to have a family and be secure. Some were more about companionship — to have someone by your side, throughout a lifetime.

More recently, we have arrived at what some relationship theorists have called the “self-expressive marriage.” We live in a self-expressive world, where if you feel it, you do it. Follow your passions.

Let me be very clear: I am all for personal growth. I am all for a fully engaged and fulfilling relationship. Unfortunately, we have taken this “self-expressive marriage” and turned it into “self-gratifying marriage.”

There is a vital shift that seems to happen shortly after marriage for many couples. You probably married because you wanted to show your spouse how deeply you loved him/her. Many couples (how about you?) then make a subtle shift, asking “How are you showing me you love me?” Said slightly more cynically, that amounts to “What are YOU doing for ME?” Thus, the self-gratifying marriage, and one major side-effect: when it is no longer gratifying, it is time to leave.

Is there, perhaps, another model for marriage?

Yep. Marriage can be the stage for growth, relationally and personally, when we take that on. Life is all about growing — or stagnating. Are you growing? Is your relationship growing?

Learn more about the new model in this week’s podcast (Listen Below).

RELATED RESOURCES:
3 Steps To Saving Your Marriage
Marriage Is A WE
Save The Marriage System
Save The Marriage VIP (If you have the System)

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End Your Dance of Hurt and Blame

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 20, 2016

Hurt. Blame. Hurt. Blame.

The dance goes round and round, each person dancing the steps. That dance isn’t fun. But it certainly seems to be a popular dance for couples!

Every relationship has its unique “dance,” and both people generally stick to the same steps. . . until it doesn’t work anymore.

Then, the marriage can easily lapse into trouble.

Unless you decide to change the dance.

Since we are on this dance theme, many people tell me, “Well, it takes two to Tango.” True.

And if you are married, you two are dancing. In other words, the dance is already in progress. But you know what? In every dance, someone can choose to “lead” in a different way, choose to dance some different steps. And maybe even decide to change the music and dance a different dance entirely.

Tired of the dance you are in?

Stop the “dance of blame and hurt!”

RELATED RESOURCES:
Finding Your Why
Showing Up
Connection Resources
Save The Marriage System
VIP Program

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4 Marriage Crisis Mistakes To Avoid

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 13, 2016

A marriage crisis doesn’t ever start as a crisis. It may start as a deficit in action or understanding, inattention, neglect, or some small altercation.

But it can spread over time, engulfing the entire relationship in crisis.

Many times, people tell me, “I should have taken action long ago, but _______.”

Fill in the blank with:

“I didn’t know what to do.”
“I didn’t know we were in trouble.”
“I was afraid to do anything.”
“I was afraid I would make it worse.”
“I shouldn’t be the one who has to do something.”

Mistakes along the way begin to escalate the marriage problem, until it is a full-blown marriage crisis. Then what?

Then, you have to avoid these 4 mistakes. (My bet is that the first mistake has already been made.)

Learn what the mistakes are, and how to avoid or correct them.

RELATED RESOURCE:
Save The Marriage System

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How To Make Each Day A New Start

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 6, 2016

We tend to love the “new.” A new outfit, new car, new year, new whatever. It always feels like a fresh start, full of possibilities. But the newness tends to fade fast. Then, it is just another outfit, just the car you drive, just another year.

Take that car, for example. If you are like me, that first ding or dent changes something. That first stain or damage takes out it out of “new.” Oh, sure, you keep the car. But it loses a little of the allure.

Unfortunately, the same is often true with relationships. A new relationship, without all the history, the hurts and laughs, can seem to be the easiest way. But it never has the same depth, the same “soul.”

I have this scar on my leg that reminds me of that huge wipeout on a skateboard when I was 13. I still remember the pain (I don’t remember the actual accident, thanks to cracking my head on a cinderblock). But I also remember the epic run that led to the accident. That scar tells me a story (and certainly didn’t keep me from skateboarding!).

Relationships are like that. We find strength from the struggles. We find comfort from the joys. Together, they can knit a powerful relationship. But too often, we just get mired down in the pains, ready to walk away.

We have to find some way to hold onto the relationship, but release the pains.

One way is to see each day as a new beginning, a new chance. Not just to keep making the same old mistakes, but to create something amazing.

So, why isn’t each day a new beginning? Because we stay trapped to the past. We don’t move forward in new and better ways. We end up reliving the same day, over and over.

We have a chance to embrace each day as a new opportunity, for ourselves and for our relationship. In today’s episode, I tell you the 6 steps to take, in order to make each day a new way.

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New Year, New You in 1 Word

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 30, 2015

Here we are, on the cusp of a new year. Just another day. But in another way, a whole new day and whole new year.

No matter what this year has been for you, time to let it go and move forward. We spend way too much time looking back at what has been. That keeps us from truly looking forward toward what will and can be.

Let the last year stay behind you as you turn the calendar page. Let’s move toward something new.

Who you were is someone you never have to be again, unless you want to be! Otherwise, lets choose a new direction in the New Year.

If you are waiting for a lesson in making New Year’s resolutions, look elsewhere. I used to do that. I would end up with a list of 5 to 10 resolutions, made completely sober, that would fall one-by-one during the first few weeks of January, each year.

One word.

That is all you need for your change in this year.

One word.

Listen for how I do this, and how you can do the same (along with a few suggested shifts in perspective).

What is YOUR word?

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