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Of Enemies and Victims

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg January 30, 2019 January 30, 2019

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 30, 2019

Roles. We all have them. We all play them.

Some are “identity roles.” They identify us in the role. For example, I am “son,” “father,” “brother,” “husband.”

Some are “function roles.” They identify what we do. For example, I am “coach,” “therapist,” “author,” “speaker,” and “podcaster” (among others). They tell you what I do, what role I play in life.

Then there are “attribution roles.” They try to describe why we do something.

And it is in the arena of attribution roles that I want to focus some attention. Because those attributions, both on ourselves and others, can serve to keep us stuck. And keep others stuck in the roles we attribute to them.

Two very toxic roles are the roles of Enemy and Victim.

To be clear, there is a difference between being a victim of some circumstance and playing the role of Victim.

And to be crystal clear, no matter what has happened in your marriage to this point, you are NOT Enemies. That is a role that you may assign. But it will keep you stuck.

Listen in to this podcast episode for more on avoiding these roles… and what to do, instead.

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Am I Against Therapy?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 23, 2019

I spent way more time in school than I would like. To be honest, I never enjoyed school. Not when I was a kid. Not in high school. Not in college. And not in 3 rounds of grad school (2 Master’s and 1 Ph.D.).

But I spent that time in school because I had a goal. To be a therapist. So, I did extensive training, focusing on marriage and family therapy.

So why am I critical of therapy?

Partly because I have seen it from the inside. Partly because I have seen the outcome studies of therapy — particularly marital therapy.

Which raises the question: am I opposed to therapy?

The answer: not in theory. And not even in some specifics.

When couples are ready to make changes, and when they work with a therapist who is specifically trained in marriage and family therapy theory, and who is skilled… the outcome can be excellent.

I know many couples who have benefitted. And I know some pretty amazing therapists.

But overall, the stats are not good. At least, in terms of saving marriages. 1/2 of all marriages that get therapy end up divorced — the same stat that applies to the general population.

There are some specific reasons why therapy often falls short. Some have to do with therapy/therapist. Some have to do with clients/couples.

I discuss why there are issues in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast.

If you have tried therapy and it didn’t work, or if you don’t want to do therapy, please grab my Save The Marriage System

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Why NOT To Tell…

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 16, 2019

I know. It’s tempting. Your marriage is having troubles and you want to talk about it. Maybe your friends would be good to tell. Or maybe your family can listen. Or perhaps you should contact your in-laws to “talk some sense” into your spouse.

Don’t. Stop. Think again before you share.

Those words that feel so good right now may come back to haunt you can cause other problems when things turn around.

You may be thinking that you will only be telling to get support and love. And you might get support. But that support likely includes siding with you. And if someone sides with you, they will likely side against your spouse.

When you talk to someone about a problem with someone else, you create a “triangle,” to use a term from communication experts. And that triangle may feel good and feel more stable. But it complicates the original conflict and issues.

And that often serves to further undermine the relationship… along with the chances for recovery.

Does that mean that you can’t get help and support?

Nope. You just want to go about getting support the right way.

I discuss the reasons why NOT to tell others about your marriage problems in this week’s podcast episode… along with who TO tell. Listen below.

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It’s a NO… (unless you ask/try)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 9, 2019

It is probably the most frequent question I get… “Should I try to save my marriage?” I get it in conversations, voicemails, emails, even by Messenger the other day. People often give me a few (sometimes, very few) details about their relationship and want my professional opinion on whether they should try to save their marriage (or keep trying).

Truth is, that is a decision I cannot and will not make. Each person has to decide whether they want to try and save the marriage. I can’t make that choice for them.

But I do think there are some pretty important things to consider, as you try to answer that question.

One thing, after nearly 3 decades of helping people with their marriages, I know is the outcome of NOT working on their relationship. NOT trying is almost certainly NOT saving the relationship. There is a high probability that not taking action will lead to the marriage ending.

The real choice is NOT saving the marriage or PERHAPS saving the marriage.

Is it possible that you put forth effort… really dig in… really give it your best effort… and your marriage still fails. But it is nearly guaranteed that if you don’t take action, your marriage will end. And it is highly possible that you put in the effort… and your marriage is saved.

The choice is your choice. But it is a NO… unless you try.

Let’s talk about that choice in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast

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Better or Bitter?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 2, 2019

I often watch people move toward one of two possibilities when a marriage is in trouble: Better or Bitter. One letter difference, but what a difference in destination.

One leads a couple to a rewarding and loving relationship, improving and stabilizing: Better.

The other leads to more anger, more resentment, more distance, and further deterioration: Bitter.

Here is the irony: many times, the person proclaiming a desire to work on the marriage, to get it turned around, is the one holding onto bitterness. And bitterness has a tendency to grow, unless the person chooses to make a shift.

A shift to Better.

Over the years, I have watched people who proclaim a desire to save their marriage. They start taking steps, start connecting, start the healing… and when a spouse begins to turn, the one putting in the work suddenly turns… away. The bitterness gains ground. It eats away at all progress.

And in the process, the couple proves the marriage was “too far gone,” “too hurt,” or “too damaged.” In reality, bitterness set in and disrupted any possibility of healing.

So, there is a choice: Bitter or Better?

Let’s talk about the roots of bitterness and how to let it go. Listen to the podcast below.

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Your New Year Renewal Plan

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 26, 2018

It’s just around the corner… just days away. The end of this year and the beginning of a New Year.

A new beginning. A fresh start.

A renewal of your efforts to save your marriage.

Many times, as time wears on, when an effort wears on… we tend to drift. Sometimes, we know it. Other times, it just creeps up on us. We think we are following a plan… but we aren’t.

This is a great time to take a quick step back, then take a strong step forward. It is a time to renew your approach, your clarity, and your determination.

On this week’s podcast episode, I cover 4 areas of renewal. When put together, you will be off to a great start into the New Year, renewed and recommitted to your efforts to save and improve your marriage.

Listen below for more on these 4 key areas of renewal.

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Holiday Hurt and Healing

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 19, 2018

How are you doing with the Holidays upon us? Did you know that between the end of November and the end of December, there are over 14 holidays (Holy Days) across the spectrum of beliefs and religions? In the US, the dominant holiday season is around Christmas.

If you are in the midst of a marriage crisis, the holidays can be especially painful, full of hurt and grief.

And opportunity. Healing. Help for your relationship.

Unfortunately, the hurt often keeps people from moving to the healing. Pain keeps them from connecting.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. It can be a time of healing and connection.

In this week’s podcast episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss the hurt and pain, but also the possibility and potential for healing. Listen below.

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blah, Blah, BLAH… BANG

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 12, 2018

And suddenly… crisis!

(or not)

RARELY does a crisis come “out of the blue.”

Many times, people will tell me that they “had no idea,” or “never saw it coming.” But then, we start talking. And they tell me about those little warning signs along the way. The ones they ignored. Or that they didn’t fully respond to.

Those signs? That’s the “blah, blah, blah’s” that come before the crisis. The “I’m not happy.” The “something’s not quite right.” The “I need something to change.” Those are the “blah’s” that are either missed or ignored.

Or half-heartedly heard.

No real changes. Just attempts to duck the conflict, to change the conversation.

Here’s the thing: if you are already at BANG!, you can’t go back and address the “blah’s”. You do have to deal with the crisis. But you also want to be clear on how you got here. How the “blah’s” got missed. And why you are at BANG!

Let’s talk about it on this week’s episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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The Fatal Triangle (Don’t Be Sabotaged)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 5, 2018

You want to save your marriage. Maybe you even have a plan put together, ready to go. Or maybe you have even started the process.

This episode of the podcast is cautionary. A warning. But the warning is not about NOT saving your marriage, but the possibility of your efforts falling apart.

It may have nothing to do with your plan.

Nothing to do with your understanding.

Worse yet, nothing to do with your spouse.

It is possible that a trio of dynamics can torpedo and destroy your plans and your efforts. Those dynamics can be fatal to your hopes and dreams. To your possibility of saving your marriage.

And this trio, this “fatal triangle”? They have nothing to do with your spouse or your plans. They emerge from within you. Tripping you up.

Unless you understand them and know how to defeat them.

Don’t let this trio, the Fatal Triangle, defeat you and your efforts!

Listen to the episode for full details

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Anger, Blame, Shame & Responsibility

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 28, 2018

Do you ever feel like you are dancing with your spouse… and not a fun dance??

Most of the time, couples get into habits. They both know the steps, and they just keep going through them, 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2-3….

No, the dances aren’t particularly helpful. And yes, we keep dancing them, anyway!

One dance that many couples fall into is the Anger-Blame-Shame 3-step. And that particular dance? It keeps on repeating. Except that the anger grows. So does the blaming.

And so does the feeling of shame! “Why can’t I/we figure this out?”, they wonder.

And then, they dance it again.

How can you stop the dance? How can you find better steps? Better ways of moving through life?

That is the topic of this podcast episode (listen below). I tell you about those dance steps and why we do them… along with how to make a shift.

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