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When Is It Time To Separate?

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg February 13, 2019 January 28, 2019

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 13, 2019

I think I have made it clear that I am not a fan of separation. Generally, it is a trial run at divorce, a “dress rehearsal.”

But is there a time when it is necessary to separate? When it is actually a good idea to separate?

Many couples face this question every year. They ponder the question, mulling it over. Should they separate? What does a separation do for the prospects of saving a marriage?

Having had this conversation with couples and individuals many times over my career, I can tell you that the conversation, itself, is painful and tough. Much less, actually separating.

Sometimes, there has to be a separation. In fact, in one instance, I think it is absolutely necessary.

Then, there are times when you may want to resist, but realize that there is more damage done by NOT separating than by separating.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I answer the question, “When is it time to separate?” Listen below.

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Oh, No! Valentine’s Day and A Marriage Crisis

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 9, 2019

It can be tricky. Valentine’s Day is coming and your marriage is in trouble. What do you do? Acknowledge it? Avoid it? Hope it passes… and you can breathe a sigh of relief?

I have talked about this issue in the past, but wanted to make sure you could get to the resources as quickly as possible.

Here are links to 3 articles and episodes of my podcast that will help you navigate the holiday:

Don’t Blame Valentine!

Valentine’s Day: A Dangerous Idea?

Marriage In Trouble: What To Do About Valentine’s Day!

And, if you are ready to save your marriage, and get back to having wonderful Valentine’s Day celebrations, PLEASE grab my Save The Marriage System

Grab the Save The Marriage System HERE

Are You Hurting Or Helping?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 6, 2019

You’ve been working on saving your marriage… and you aren’t seeing the traction you want. Or maybe is just isn’t moving as fast as you would like.

Sometimes, it can take more time than you think or want.

But are there times that your efforts are doing more harm than good?

Are there times you are hurting, not helping, your relationship and your chances at saving it?

Yes.

There are common situations I see in my coaching, where someone’s efforts to save a marriage are actually doing more harm than good. Interestingly, people make the same mistakes others have made.

More interestingly, they are easy to see when they are pointed out. And more importantly, they can be corrected, once you can see them.

So, let’s talk about the times when people do more harm than good in their efforts to save a marriage.

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Of Enemies and Victims

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 30, 2019

Roles. We all have them. We all play them.

Some are “identity roles.” They identify us in the role. For example, I am “son,” “father,” “brother,” “husband.”

Some are “function roles.” They identify what we do. For example, I am “coach,” “therapist,” “author,” “speaker,” and “podcaster” (among others). They tell you what I do, what role I play in life.

Then there are “attribution roles.” They try to describe why we do something.

And it is in the arena of attribution roles that I want to focus some attention. Because those attributions, both on ourselves and others, can serve to keep us stuck. And keep others stuck in the roles we attribute to them.

Two very toxic roles are the roles of Enemy and Victim.

To be clear, there is a difference between being a victim of some circumstance and playing the role of Victim.

And to be crystal clear, no matter what has happened in your marriage to this point, you are NOT Enemies. That is a role that you may assign. But it will keep you stuck.

Listen in to this podcast episode for more on avoiding these roles… and what to do, instead.

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Am I Against Therapy?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 23, 2019

I spent way more time in school than I would like. To be honest, I never enjoyed school. Not when I was a kid. Not in high school. Not in college. And not in 3 rounds of grad school (2 Master’s and 1 Ph.D.).

But I spent that time in school because I had a goal. To be a therapist. So, I did extensive training, focusing on marriage and family therapy.

So why am I critical of therapy?

Partly because I have seen it from the inside. Partly because I have seen the outcome studies of therapy — particularly marital therapy.

Which raises the question: am I opposed to therapy?

The answer: not in theory. And not even in some specifics.

When couples are ready to make changes, and when they work with a therapist who is specifically trained in marriage and family therapy theory, and who is skilled… the outcome can be excellent.

I know many couples who have benefitted. And I know some pretty amazing therapists.

But overall, the stats are not good. At least, in terms of saving marriages. 1/2 of all marriages that get therapy end up divorced — the same stat that applies to the general population.

There are some specific reasons why therapy often falls short. Some have to do with therapy/therapist. Some have to do with clients/couples.

I discuss why there are issues in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast.

If you have tried therapy and it didn’t work, or if you don’t want to do therapy, please grab my Save The Marriage System

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Why NOT To Tell…

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 16, 2019

I know. It’s tempting. Your marriage is having troubles and you want to talk about it. Maybe your friends would be good to tell. Or maybe your family can listen. Or perhaps you should contact your in-laws to “talk some sense” into your spouse.

Don’t. Stop. Think again before you share.

Those words that feel so good right now may come back to haunt you can cause other problems when things turn around.

You may be thinking that you will only be telling to get support and love. And you might get support. But that support likely includes siding with you. And if someone sides with you, they will likely side against your spouse.

When you talk to someone about a problem with someone else, you create a “triangle,” to use a term from communication experts. And that triangle may feel good and feel more stable. But it complicates the original conflict and issues.

And that often serves to further undermine the relationship… along with the chances for recovery.

Does that mean that you can’t get help and support?

Nope. You just want to go about getting support the right way.

I discuss the reasons why NOT to tell others about your marriage problems in this week’s podcast episode… along with who TO tell. Listen below.

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It’s a NO… (unless you ask/try)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 9, 2019

It is probably the most frequent question I get… “Should I try to save my marriage?” I get it in conversations, voicemails, emails, even by Messenger the other day. People often give me a few (sometimes, very few) details about their relationship and want my professional opinion on whether they should try to save their marriage (or keep trying).

Truth is, that is a decision I cannot and will not make. Each person has to decide whether they want to try and save the marriage. I can’t make that choice for them.

But I do think there are some pretty important things to consider, as you try to answer that question.

One thing, after nearly 3 decades of helping people with their marriages, I know is the outcome of NOT working on their relationship. NOT trying is almost certainly NOT saving the relationship. There is a high probability that not taking action will lead to the marriage ending.

The real choice is NOT saving the marriage or PERHAPS saving the marriage.

Is it possible that you put forth effort… really dig in… really give it your best effort… and your marriage still fails. But it is nearly guaranteed that if you don’t take action, your marriage will end. And it is highly possible that you put in the effort… and your marriage is saved.

The choice is your choice. But it is a NO… unless you try.

Let’s talk about that choice in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast

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Better or Bitter?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 2, 2019

I often watch people move toward one of two possibilities when a marriage is in trouble: Better or Bitter. One letter difference, but what a difference in destination.

One leads a couple to a rewarding and loving relationship, improving and stabilizing: Better.

The other leads to more anger, more resentment, more distance, and further deterioration: Bitter.

Here is the irony: many times, the person proclaiming a desire to work on the marriage, to get it turned around, is the one holding onto bitterness. And bitterness has a tendency to grow, unless the person chooses to make a shift.

A shift to Better.

Over the years, I have watched people who proclaim a desire to save their marriage. They start taking steps, start connecting, start the healing… and when a spouse begins to turn, the one putting in the work suddenly turns… away. The bitterness gains ground. It eats away at all progress.

And in the process, the couple proves the marriage was “too far gone,” “too hurt,” or “too damaged.” In reality, bitterness set in and disrupted any possibility of healing.

So, there is a choice: Bitter or Better?

Let’s talk about the roots of bitterness and how to let it go. Listen to the podcast below.

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Your New Year Renewal Plan

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 26, 2018

It’s just around the corner… just days away. The end of this year and the beginning of a New Year.

A new beginning. A fresh start.

A renewal of your efforts to save your marriage.

Many times, as time wears on, when an effort wears on… we tend to drift. Sometimes, we know it. Other times, it just creeps up on us. We think we are following a plan… but we aren’t.

This is a great time to take a quick step back, then take a strong step forward. It is a time to renew your approach, your clarity, and your determination.

On this week’s podcast episode, I cover 4 areas of renewal. When put together, you will be off to a great start into the New Year, renewed and recommitted to your efforts to save and improve your marriage.

Listen below for more on these 4 key areas of renewal.

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Holiday Hurt and Healing

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 19, 2018

How are you doing with the Holidays upon us? Did you know that between the end of November and the end of December, there are over 14 holidays (Holy Days) across the spectrum of beliefs and religions? In the US, the dominant holiday season is around Christmas.

If you are in the midst of a marriage crisis, the holidays can be especially painful, full of hurt and grief.

And opportunity. Healing. Help for your relationship.

Unfortunately, the hurt often keeps people from moving to the healing. Pain keeps them from connecting.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. It can be a time of healing and connection.

In this week’s podcast episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss the hurt and pain, but also the possibility and potential for healing. Listen below.

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