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My Method and Why It Works

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg October 3, 2018 October 3, 2018

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 3, 2018

When a marriage is in trouble, the first place many people turn to is the internet. Where most people discover quite a plethora of information.

But what to trust? What to do?

Remember that even Google says they are a “search engine, not a truth engine.” In other words, they just give you search results. Not an evaluation of the results.

So, some people just dive right in, grabbing information on top of information, believing that if it has to do with “saving a marriage,” it must all fit together.

This is patently false. And it leads to trouble.

Some advice is very manipulative. Some is simply misguided. Lots is based on anecdotal evidence — the author somehow saved his or her marriage and thinks it applies across the board (it rarely does).

How do you pick through the advice and information?

I do my best to be transparent on what I teach. I rely on 3 decades of experience as a coach and therapist, 30 years in my own marriage, and lots of research.

And I will tell you exactly what I teach… along with why I teach it. Then, you can make your own decision on what path to follow.

Listen to this week’s podcast episode for what I suggest and why I suggest it.

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What Happy Couples Do Differently – Series

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 26, 2018

Every marriage has problems. Every single one.

But about 50% figure out a way to stay together, even when there are problems.

And then there are those happy couples. The ones who have it dialed in, figured out, and are happy.

Here’s the thing: success always leaves a trail. If you want to move to that place, to have a marriage that is happy and rewarding, you can learn for those that made it.

In the What Happy Couples Do Differently series, I discuss 11 things that happy couples know and do differently.

Listen to the episodes below to follow the trail to a happy marriage:

What Happy Couples Do Differently About Conflict

What Happy Couples Do Differently About Connection

What Happy Couples Do Differently About Companionship

If you are ready to make a shift and become a happy couple, too, it is time to grab my Save The Marriage System. Discover what happened, how to shift, and how to build a marriage you BOTH will treasure and protect. Become a Happy Couple!

CLICK HERE TO GRAB THE SAVE THE MARRIAGE SYSTEM

The Survival Series

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 19, 2018

Sometimes, it is all you can do to survive, to hang on.

But here is something I have taken to heart from my jiu jitsu training: If you are not losing, you are winning! (Thanks to the Gracie brothers for pointing that out!) In other words, for many things in life, if it doesn’t take you down, you can keep on going.

You just need to know HOW to survive, HOW to get through. With the least amount of damage and the most potential for positive outcome.

Which is the roots behind my Survival Series. In this series of 9 episodes, I cover many of the common scenarios in a troubled marriage. The aim: minimize damage. The secondary goal: move toward a better place.

Click the links below to access each of the trainings.

Surviving Separation

Surviving Infidelity

Surviving Conflict

Surviving The Golden Hour

Surviving Mistakes and Backslides

Surviving Empty Nest/Mid Life Crisis

Surviving Disconnection

Relationship Fears and Insecurities

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 12, 2018

Fears. They can certainly derail us humans!

A few episodes ago, I noted some fears that can sabotage your efforts to save your marriage.

But what about relationship fears? Just those basic fears and insecurities that we all carry with us in relationships?

Yep, we all have them. 2 basic fears. And those 2 fears? They pull against each other. One can trigger the other in couples. We all have both, but tend to have a tendency to one fear or the other. And when that fear is triggered, it often triggers the opposite fear in a spouse.

Which, by the way, increases the fear in the other.

Those two fears?

Fear of Intimacy
Fear of Abandonment

Let’s talk about what those fears are about, why we have them, what triggers them, and why it becomes such an issue in marriage.

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Building Your Support Team

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 5, 2018

Support. We all need it. But we need the right kind of support.

If you are in the midst of a marriage crisis, you might feel all alone, just you against the world (and your spouse). Well, you aren’t against your spouse. And the world is not against you.

It can feel that way, though.

Which is why you need to find your support team.

In the last episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discussed 5 ways to deal with the emotional crisis of a marriage crisis. And one way was through support — at which point I realized I had not previously discussed how to get support.

So, we cover that today.

I suggest you have 3 layers to your support. So, I discuss the 3 layers and how to manage each layer. Listen below for how to build your support team.

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5 Ways To Manage Your Emotions (in the midst of the crisis)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 29, 2018

It can be an emotional storm in the middle of a marriage crisis. Sometimes, it seems that every little thing blows up into big things… almost without control.

A marriage crisis is one of the bigger life stressors. If you are dealing with that, you are already emotionally “tapped out.” Which means it might not take much for you to boil over…

And undo any progress you have been making.

I have frequently been told that “I just can’t control my emotions.” And in reality, the challenge is not controlling, but managing, your emotions.

In this podcast episode, I outline 5 ways for you to manage your emotions in the midst of a marriage crisis.

Is it hard? It can be a challenge. But it is do-able.

You can do it! Let’s talk about how!

(Listen Below!)

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4 Fears That Halt Your Efforts… And Don’t Need To

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 22, 2018

You’ve decided to save your marriage. You start the process, maybe even make some progress.

Then, BAM! You hit a wall.

A wall of fear. Fears that sabotage your efforts, pull you back from your plan, get you to give up.

But those fears do not have to be the end of your efforts. In fact, those fears need not do anything to your efforts. Fears and actions are not the same. Fears are fears. Whenever we base our actions on fears, we give them too much power.

When you are working on saving a marriage, there are 4 fears that strike many people… and they may just hit you! And then, you have to decide whether the fears stop your efforts or if they are just “background noise.”

Which will they be for you?

Listen to the podcast episode below.

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NMF: The Fastest Path to Failure

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 15, 2018

The email was pages long, all about the problems in her marriage. Each line was about how her husband had ruined the marriage. She pointed out actions of her husband, and he did make mistakes (no abuse, mind you).

She wanted to know what to do — how to save her marriage — given the fact that it wasn’t her fault. She was clear that she wanted the marriage, but she just didn’t know what to do, after all he had done to damage the relationship.

NMF

She was skidding down the fastest path to failing in her efforts. And she didn’t see how she had anything to do with it.

NMF

When we talked on the phone, I asked a little bit more about the dynamics of the relationship. But I noticed she kept shifting back to “he did…,” “he didn’t….” She could point out his failures and shortcomings.

And then she would return to her question: Given his actions, how could she save her marriage?

NMF

I had no doubt that she really wanted to save her marriage. And I had little doubt that she would be unsuccessful.

Because she had fallen in the NMF trap. Figured it out yet? The NMF trap is “Not My Fault.”

Here is the problem with “Not My Fault”: It leaves you stuck. It does relieve you of blame or fault. But it also tends to rob people of responsibility (Response-Ability).

Let’s talk about why this trap happens and how to avoid it. Listen below.

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What About Addictions?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 8, 2018

Sometimes, people want to check with me and see if my System addresses certain special issues. One that recurs is the question about addictions. What if they or their spouse is addicted? Will that be a problem in saving the marriage?

Since it is a recurring question, I decided to address it in this episode of the podcast.

But the quick answer is “Yes, it is an issue. Yes, it needs to be addressed. But no, that does not discount or eliminate the issues in the marriage. It adds another layer.”

The longer answer is addressed in the podcast.

But first, let me be clear in saying that I believe humans have a propensity to addiction. Many of us avoid immediately destructive addictions. But many of us do fall prey to longer-term damage from addictions. For example, sugar. While it may not kill as quickly as alcohol or opiates, the long term damage is undeniable.

In this case, we are looking, though, at more immediately damaging addictions, both to substances and processes (sex, gambling, etc.).

If addictions, either your own or your spouse’s, is adding to your marriage crisis, take a listen to see how the two pieces of the puzzle must be addressed.

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Marriage and Self-Expansion

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 1, 2018

“I just outgrew you,” he said to her in my office. But as we talked, I was not convinced that he had actually “outgrown” her. But it was clear that neither felt supported in their own personal growth. He said, “You stifle me,” and she answered, “You never care about my interests.”

And both were right.

But both missed the opportunity — self-expansion as a part of the relationship. They could both grow, both explore, and still stay married.

Recent research has shown that one of the leading contributors to unhappiness in marriage (and risk for infidelity) is a lack of opportunity for self-expansion in the relationship.

Great term, “self-expansion.” In a world of “self-growth” and “self-development,” the idea is a bit broader. Self-growth/development focuses on psychological or spiritual change. But what about just exploring the world and widening your horizons? Well, self-expansion encompasses both self-development and trying new things out.

Does your relationship support both of your opportunities for self-expansion (within the boundaries of the relationship)? Is there room for growing? Support for growing? Sharing new experiences together? Sharing your passions for individual interests? Those are the elements of self-expansion within marriage.

Learn more in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

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