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Healing Your Resentments

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg March 1, 2017 February 9, 2017

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 1, 2017

Resentments are the deep infections of anger. When anger is unresolved, it becomes a systemic poison. But do remember that anger is really a result of hurt and fear/threat. It just comes out as anger.

When the hurt goes unaddressed and the anger festers, it becomes resentment. Resentment then spreads into more and more areas of relating. It pulls the relationship down, weakening the connection and destroying good feelings.

Your spouse may have lots of resentment toward you. We will be covering that next week. But we always start with ourselves. What about YOUR resentments? How do you heal YOUR resentments?

If you don’t start there, you won’t be effective in addressing your spouse’s resentments.

Join me for this week’s podcast, as we discuss healing your resentments. . .

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Action versus Distraction

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 22, 2017

A while back, I was talking with someone who was struggling with his marriage. I made a couple of suggestions. He pushed back. He said, “It’s not like I’m not doing anything!”

“Great,” I said, “Tell me what you are doing.”

“I’ve read some articles and stuff. I did some research. . . ”

He continued on for a few minutes. But I quickly realized my friend had made a crucial mistake. He had confused distraction with action. He was worried about his marriage, sure. But he was distracted. His distraction was confused with action.

Nothing was happening.

When we talked again, a few months later, his wife had left. He told me he “did everything he could.”

I asked what that was. I suspected. I was right. He spent the time in distraction. In the end, there was no action.

Are you making the same mistake?

I discuss the distractions — and the actions — in this week’s podcast.

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Fooling Ourselves. . .

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 15, 2017

We don’t mean to, but we do. We fool ourselves. Yep, humans can be dishonest with others, but we can also be dishonest with ourselves. In fact, we do it every day.

It’s bad enough we can be dishonest with others. But ourselves? Yep. And it can sure get in the way of saving your marriage.

Usually, when we are fooling ourselves, we relieve ourselves of responsibility. And if it isn’t our responsibility, what can we do? (Or so we tell ourselves.)

Let’s talk about several ways we are dishonest with ourselves. . . and how to change that!

HELPFUL RESOURCES:
Why to Save a Marriage
You Need a Plan
Save The Marriage System

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Caught In Control

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 8, 2017

Pretty much every day, I hear from someone telling me about a controlling marriage situation. Either they are controlling or they are being controlled. Either way, the underlying dynamics are the same.

Control is a hallmark of dysfunctional relationships. It takes two to play the game, though — the controller and the controlled.

This week, I highlight this particular dysfunction and provide a way through, whether you are controlling or being controlled.

Is your marriage caught in control? Are you ready to break the pattern and find a healthy way of relating? Listen to this week’s podcast for help.

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Feeling Like Quitting?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 1, 2017

Feeling like quitting is not the same as making a decision to quit. One is an emotional response to the struggle. The other is a rational decision. Unless, of course, you confuse the two.

It is true in all of life. We can feel like quitting a job, quitting an exercise session, quitting a hobbie, quitting parenting. . . well, that might be tough! But you get my meaning. You can feel like quitting. That doesn’t mean you quit.

When you choose to quit, it is just that — a deliberate decision, made for the right reason. In fact, I think one of the reasons we have such a marriage crisis in society is because too many people confuse the feeling of wanting to quit with the need to take action, to quit.

On a long trail race, I think I felt like quitting from mile 10 to mile 25.5. The last mile, I was good. But up until then, that was the running dialogue, “I could quit. I could stop right now. I could just quit. I could walk away.” Granted, I was in the middle of nowhere, and it would have been a long hike just to quit. But I could have. Had I chosen to (versus thinking about it, but taking no action — other than continuing to put one foot in front of the other).

In this week’s podcast, I cover the difference between feeling like quitting and choosing to quit (including some advice on what to do if you choose to quit).

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…Yet

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 25, 2017

Yet The phone rings. I answer. The person on the other end blurts, “I CAN’T SAVE MY MARRIAGE!” And as calmly as possible, I add “Yet.”

Uh?

“I can’t save my marriage YET.”

Uh?

Many times, people contact me to tell me their marriage can’t be saved. But I am not quite so sure. It IS possible the person is right. Not every marriage can be saved. Before deciding that, though, I want to know more.

Is the person at a “failpoint?”

Does the person have the tools and knowledge needed?

Has the person actually taken action?

Has the action been useful and consistent?

This week, I will tell you why “Yet” is one of my favorite words. It is powerful. If you know why.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Failpoints
You Need A Plan
You Are Stalled
Save The Marriage System

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“Where Do I Focus?”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 18, 2017

Whenever I am alone on a long drive, I try to answer all the calls I can. This past weekend gave me another opportunity. I delivered my son to college and had an 8 hour drive home.

I answered a call as I was leaving the mountains. The woman on the call told me she had my System. But in the midst of the crisis, she needed some shortcut. She wanted a simple place to focus.

First, I got her to promise me she would read the whole System and apply ALL of it. She promised she was looking for real guidance. Not just a trick or easy answer.

I told her there are 2 places of focus, as far as I was concerned. If I boiled it all down, this gave her 2 “handles” to hold onto as she put her plan together and moved forward.

Sometimes, when you are under pressure, some pretty good things come out of it. My 2 words of focus for her? “Respect” and “Connect.” It was good enough that I wanted to share this with you.

Listen to the podcast below to learn what I mean (even if you don’t feel respect and aren’t feeling connected). And how to get started!

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Don’t Wait For Confidence

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 11, 2017

Confidence and capability. Two big blocks holding people back from saving their marriage — unnecessarily!

People call or write me and tell me they are absolutely ready to do whatever it takes to save their marriage. . . IF I can tell them their marriage can be saved. . . BEFORE they take action.

They want confidence. But that puts it in the wrong order. Confidence does not come before action. It comes as a result of having taken action.

Which leads to people asking, “how do I take action?” That is all about having capabilities — abilities and knowledge, tools, skills. THAT isn’t even the starting point. In some ways, that is the easier part of the process. (If you want to gain the skills and knowledge, get the tools, and create capabilities, GRAB THIS SYSTEM.)

Don’t wait for confidence. Listen to this week’s podcast for where you REALLY start.

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The 3 Dimensions of Connection

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 4, 2017

Connection is the lifeblood of marriage. In fact, we are wired for deep connection. And while the connection works best within the marriage relationship, it is not singular.

Many couples find connection in only one or two areas, missing that second or third dimension of connecting. Often, over time, this begins to eat away at the connection a couple shares.

Disconnection tends to breed disconnection. When there are areas missing, they begin to chip away at the other areas.

But connection tends to breed connection. As you work to reconnect, and as you focus on all three dimensions, there is a multiplying effect. Connection deepens and broadens, leading to more and more connection.

Listen to this week’s podcast to discover the 3 Dimensions of Connection.

(If you need more help with connection, CHECK OUT THIS TRAINING. And if you want a System for connection, GRAB THE SAVE THE MARRIAGE SYSTEM.)

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Why Getting A Spouse To Agree Is Dangerous

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 28, 2016

I know. You want to convince your spouse to see things your way. So, you set out to “get” your spouse to agree with you.

…And you have now begun walking down a very dangerous path.

(I bet you didn’t think so, did you?)

Almost always, trying to get your spouse to agree will backfire — and even make things worse. Sometimes, much worse.

Can I share with you why this can be so dangerous and how to avoid this problem? This is something you want to fully understand.

(If you want a better way, GRAB THIS and get started.)

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