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Expressive or Avoidant?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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I was discussing a situation with a client.  He told me he was confused.  His wife avoided emotions.  Except she would explode in anger.  He couldn’t figure it out.  He tended to avoid conflict, but expressed his emotions.  “What gives?”

Well, my client and his spouse are expressive and avoidant about two different things.  So, I suggested thinking about a quadrant, where there are four types of expressive behaviors.

There are two categories:  emotions and conflict.  There are two different scales:  avoidant and expressive.

“Emotions” is a category about how someone is feeling and reacting.  Happy, mad, sad, angry.  All emotions.  That some share and some avoid.

Then, there is “Conflict,” which is relational, around areas of disagreement.  There will always be conflicts in intimate relationships.  The question is how they are processed and expressed (or avoided).

The “Expressive” or “Avoidant” scales are not absolute, but a continuum from avoidant all the way to expressive.

You could be expressive in both emotions and conflicts.  You can be avoidant in emotions and conflicts.  Or you could be expressive in one, but avoidant in the other.  Which leaves us with four categories.

And it is likely that you and your spouse do not share the same square.

And if you do, you may not share the same spot on the continuum.

Let me tell you more in the podcast below.

(And if you are ready to save your marriage, please GRAB MY SAVE THE MARRIAGE SYSTEM.)

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How To Stay In The Game
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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How to Stay In the Game.You might feel like “tapping out,” or forfeiting, just giving up and walking away.

It can be frustrating when you are trying to save a marriage, only to get pushback from a spouse.  You are working to build the connection, working to improve yourself, and working to make a different relationship.  But it feels like two steps forward, three steps back.

How do you “stay in the game?”

Partly, it is mental.  But there are also some things you can do to help you shift perspective, keep your patience, and keep on moving forward.  Let me share some strategies on how to “Stay in the Game” in this week’s podcast.

Listen below.

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3 Secrets Of People Who Save Their Marriage (And YOU Need To Know)
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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3 secrets people who save their marriage know, and you need to learn.aI have watched from the sidelines as people work to save their marriage.  And it strikes me that there are three secrets people who save their marriage learn and master.  If you don’t know these secrets, you need to.

What are those 3 secrets?

  1.  They know the difference between Symptoms and Cause.
  2. They know their spouse is not the enemy. (You may think you know this, too.  But you may be acting the opposite.)
  3. They know they need a plan.  (Not just a thought, or an idea, but a plan.)

If you don’t know these secrets, you need to learn them.  Listen to this week’s podcast below to learn the secrets.

HERE ARE SOME ADDITIONAL RESOURCES:
It’s About WE
Spouse As Enemy
You Need A Plan
Get The System

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Don’t Try To “Make,” “Get,” or “Cause” Your Spouse To. . .
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Don't try to get, make, or cause your spouse to do something.The conversation starts innocently enough.  Someone wants help saving a marriage.  They tell me about the disconnection haunting the relationship.  They tell me about the hurts and struggles.  They tell me they are desperate to turn things around.

And then they say it.  “How do I get my spouse to. . .” “How do I make my spouse to. . . ” “How do I cause my spouse to. . . .”

They say these things in innocence, really wanting to get things to a better place.  They want to make the marriage work.  They hope to cause a shift in the relationship.  But they are aiming it at their spouse.

Herein lies the problem.  It is about somehow getting, making, or causing a spouse to make a shift — maybe only as far as getting a spouse to think the marriage could be saved.

Innocent.

And doomed for failure.

Why?

Because just behind all three words lurks the same thing:  manipulation or coercion.  And usually with a spouse who is on the defensive, already suspicious and on guard.

And even if they are not, who wants to be manipulated or coerced?  Even if it is in a good direction?

Don’t fall into this trap.  Listen to the podcast below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Marriage Is A WE
No Contact Rule
Reverse Psychology
Save The Marriage System

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“I Love You, But I’m NOT IN Love”
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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"I love you, but I'm not in love with you."That one phrase has sent more marriages into a downward spiral than any other:  “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you.”

What does that even mean?

Notice that the phrase is uttered BECAUSE things are not where they need to be.

But there is a fork in the road here.  IF you know what this is about, it can be an opportunity to rebuild, to find a better path to a better marriage.

But if you don’t know what this is about, and what to do about it, your next actions can accelerate the downward spiral.  It can rapidly go from “love you, but not in love,” to “I want a divorce.”  It just doesn’t have to.

In this week’s podcast, I let you in on what this phrase REALLY means, and what to do about it.

RELATED RESOURCES
Disconnection In Marriage
Don’t Chase
Save The Marriage System

 

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The Created Past And Your Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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The Created Past Is Hurting Your MarriageSounds so philosophical, doesn’t it?  Your “created past.”  What is that?

We all do it.  We remember things based on our emotional state, not on what happened. When someone hurts us, we think back on the other times they hurt us.  When someone is kind and loving, we think back on the other loving times.

When a couple is connected, they remember connection.  When they are disconnected, they remember disconnection.

If you are wondering why your spouse can’t remember the happier times, can’t remember the passion, can’t remember the connection, this is it.  The memories are being selected and created based on the current pain and disconnection.

Let’s talk more about this in the podcast below:

RELATED RESOURCES:
Connection And Marriage
Perceptions In Marriage
Fears In Marriage
Restoring Your Marriage

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Two Modes Killing Your Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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2 Modes Killing Marriage.Over and over, I see the same two “modes” killing marriages — all without intention or maliciousness.

The hurt and pain often lead to anger and resentment down the road.  But it simply starts in innocence.  Most people don’t even know they are operating in these modes.

You may be making this mistake (or have made this mistake) and dropped into one or both modes.

The first mode is “Pause-Mode,” thinking that you can hit pause while life moves forward.  Parenting and career often are reasons to hit the pause button.  But there is no Pause Button in marriage.

The second mode is “Me-Mode.”  In marriage, you are building a WE.  But if you don’t know that, and don’t know what that is, you are likely to get caught in Me-Mode, to the detriment of the marriage.

Both modes develop innocently.  And either mode is capable of taking down a marriage. Don’t fall prey to these two modes.

Listen to this week’s podcast for more help.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Pause Button Marriage
Marriage Is About WE
How To Fix Your Marriage

 

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How To Deal With Negativity
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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How to deal with negativity when you are saving your marriage.It happens.  In the middle of a marriage crisis, you can find yourself surrounded by negativity.  A spouse negative about the marriage.  Friends and family negative about your efforts to save your marriage.  You negative, well, about everything you are doing (it is easy to slip into self-blame and self-doubt).

Negativity comes from several sources:  fear, protectiveness, anger, resentment, lack of understanding, and lack of clarity.

Regardless of the source, you may find yourself reacting poorly — negatively impacting your capacity to save and improve your marriage.

Is there another alternative?

You bet there is!

I would suggest four ways to respond that can change the outcome.  Listen to the podcast for the four ways you can respond differently to the negativity, making sure that you don’t catch it yourself.  Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES:
You Need A Plan
Dealing With Your Resentment
Dealing With Your Spouse’s Resentment
Grab The Save The Marriage System

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Healing Your Spouse’s Resentments
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Helping to heal your spouse's resentments.In last week’s podcast, I discussed healing your own resentments.  This week, we turn to dealing with your spouse’s resentments.  Let’s be clear:  really, this is about helping your spouse to heal resentments.  You can’t actually do the healing.  You can only help.

Once you address your own resentments, you know part of the secret:  resentment comes from anger, unresolved.  Anger comes from hurt, unresolved and unaddressed.  Which leads us back to helping your spouse find healing — tracking back to anger, but really back to hurt.

If you want to reconnect, start with dealing with resentments.  Otherwise, the hurt/anger/resentment continues to poison the relationship.  It is the systemic infection that keeps the marriage hurting.

Ready to do what you can to deal with your spouse’s resentments?  Listen below. . .

RELATED RESOURCES
Healing Your Resentments
Save The Marriage System (Including Anger/Resentment Module)

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