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Dragged Under

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg March 15, 2023 March 13, 2023

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 15, 2023

Every marriage crisis starts as a crisis of an individual. As it expands into the marriage, the question is whether you, the spouse, will get pulled under by the crisis.

Have you ever tried to save a drowning person?

This can be kind of like that. Get too close, and they will drag you under with them. Their desperation will overcome any sensible decision. Running purely on terror, they will flail, grab, and pull at anything that is nearby… and anyone.

And when someone is in crisis, it can certainly feel like drowning… even with no water (other than tears). The desperation is there. The flailing is there. And if you aren’t careful, you can get pulled under.

One person in crisis is enough. Two people multiples the complications and difficulties in recovering the relationship.

Don’t allow yourself to get pulled under.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss 4 rules to keep from getting pulled under.

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4 Failing Fears

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 1, 2023

You’ve decided to save your marriage. You start the process, maybe even make some progress.

Then, BAM! You hit a wall.

A wall of fear. Fears that sabotage your efforts, pull you back from your plan, get you to give up.

But those fears do not have to be the end of your efforts. In fact, those fears need not do anything to your efforts. Fears and actions are not the same. Fears are fears. Whenever we base our actions on fears, we give them too much power.

When you are working on saving a marriage, there are 4 fears that strike many people… and they may just hit you! And then, you have to decide whether the fears stop your efforts or if they are just “background noise.”

Which will they be for you?

Listen to the podcast episode below.

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It Isn’t Just About Romance

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 15, 2023

Since Valentine’s Day is passed and the hearts have come down in the stores (except in the clearance area), we can face a reality that confuses many people.

“Our marriage is broken,” she told me. “We don’t have the passion anymore, so I don’t think we should stay married.”

Missing passion… is it the end of marriage, or something else?

Most relationships are sparked by infatuation. Call it passion or romance, but the desire to be with that person, that overwhelming attraction, is a building-block for a long-term relationship — including marriage. It is, though, not the goal.

For most, that part of a relationship is a stage. It naturally cools over time. This is just the nature of an attraction. It tempers over time. Which means that we can get back to the rest of life — the parts of life that get disregarded in the heat of passion.

Does that mean you must just let romance and passion fall by the wayside? Not at all. You just can’t count on it as the focus.

Unfortunately, people often judge a marriage dead because the passion is missing. Also unfortunately, they haven’t nurtured the passion and romance. The fact that it disappeared is more a reflection of the damaged connection than a sign the marriage was not meant to be, or has irretrievably failed.

I discuss the Passion Paradox in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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Is a Marriage Intensive for You?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 8, 2023

Recently, more and more people have been asking about “Marriage Intensives.” If you aren’t familiar, these are often week-end (and sometimes week-long) events with lots and lots of (usually therapy) sessions. The theory is that an intensive treatment is needed to save a marriage.

Often (but not always), they are run by therapists. Either they come to you or you go to them. And then, you “hit it hard.” You may do multi-hour, multiple times per day, sessions over the days you spend together.

The plan is to send you home, having resolved your issues and all fixed.

If that is something you have (or are) considering, please take a listen to the podcast, as I talk through these approaches. I am hoping I can help you make an informed decision. And if you have already been to one, listen in to see if you think I am accurate. I’d love to hear your experience.

Listen in below as we discuss whether a marriage intensive is for you.

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The Marriage Murdering Myth

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 1, 2023

There are lots of myths about marriage. But there is one myth that comes up over and over. In fact, the trap for this myth is set at the very early stages of every relationship.

The question is whether you step into the trap or not. Will the myth trip you up and start the deterioration of your marriage? Or a better question: has it already damaged your marriage?

How is the trap set?

Think back to the beginning of your relationship. The early days. When you were so happy to have found that “one.” Remember how giddy it felt to hear from that special person? How happy you were to see each other? How much better life seemed? It was intoxicating.

And plays directly into this myth.

This myth is all about marriage and happiness… and the role of a spouse.

Listen to this week’s podcast to understand this myth… and why it is so dangerous!

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Sharing Power

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 18, 2023

It’s a partnership. Right?

Right?

Well, in any partnership, there has to be a way to make decisions. And how a couple makes decisions reveals how they balance power (or don’t balance it). Not every couple will balance it in the same way. But trouble comes when the two people in the couple are not both in agreement and on-board with how power is shared.

Many arguments and disagreements are either fueled by or end in a power struggle.

And when decisions are made without a feeling of shared buy-in, those decisions rarely get us anywhere useful. In fact, when one person feels left out of the decision, it is unlikely that the outcome will serve the relationship — if it succeeds at all!

So, how DOES a couple share power. How DOES a couple make decisions that both feel good about?

In this episode of the podcast, I discuss how couples can do a better job of sharing power with Dr. Wyatt Fisher. A Licensed Psychologist, Wyatt draws on his clinical work and his own marriage experience to answer how couples can better manage power in their relationship.

Listen in as I pick Wyatt’s brain about couple decision making and power sharing.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Wyatt’s Website
Being a WE
Are You a Team?
Lee’s System

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Helping or Hurting??

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 4, 2023

You’ve been working on saving your marriage… and you aren’t seeing the traction you want. Or maybe is just isn’t moving as fast as you would like.

Sometimes, it can take more time than you think or want.

But are there times that your efforts are doing more harm than good?

Are there times you are hurting, not helping, your relationship and your chances at saving it?

Yes.

There are common situations I see in my coaching, where someone’s efforts to save a marriage are actually doing more harm than good. Interestingly, people make the same mistakes others have made.

More interestingly, they are easy to see when they are pointed out. And more importantly, they can be corrected, once you can see them.

So, let’s talk about the times when people do more harm than good in their efforts to save a marriage.

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A-ha Moment or Slow Turn-Around?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 14, 2022

You’ve been following my 4 C’s to work on the 3 C’s of saving your marriage, right? (Hang with me if that seems like gibberish — just me trying to make it simple. I explain it in this episode/)

Maybe you can see some ground you are gaining, progress you are making.

Which may lead you to wonder how this all turns around. Will it be all-of-the-sudden, in an “aha” moment, or will it be a slow, steady climb to normality and love in the relationship?

It is a great question. And one that “D” sent to me, hoping I would respond on the Save The Marriage Podcast.

And I did! I cover it on this week’s episode.

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Staying Together for the Wrong Reasons??

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 7, 2022

I’ve been answering listeners’ questions on the Save The Marriage Podcast. And in this episode, I pull together a repeating question about “Should we stay together because of this Insert Bad Reason Here?”

Several people told me they were still married, just for the sake of the kids. Several told me that their spouse was still there because they could not afford to separate, much less to divorce. And some told me they stayed married just to avoid having to hit the dating scene. And then, there is that anxiety of “what will people think?” So, they stay together.

But is that enough, they ask? Should they only stay together for these “wrong reasons?”

You can make a perspective shift and use those “wrong reasons” to get you to the right place in your relationship.

I cover 4 ways to get there in this episode of the podcast.

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Your Spouse Isn’t…

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 30, 2022

Many times, I have someone telling me what their spouse should be. How they should act, what they should do… and what they should do, particularly, for the spouse. Rarely are they telling me what a spouse is, but should be.

There is an immediate problem (or a few) right there. You see, “should” is based in shame and expectation. And we don’t use it when someone is doing what we want. It is when they are not.

As I have discussed in other episodes, expectations almost always end badly. It is a dead-end street that does nothing useful for any relationship. But especially a marriage!

I often watch couples (or one spouse) struggle with wanting things a spouse cannot give. And when that happens, it slowly moves a marriage to hurt, resentment, disappointment, and even disdain.

All because of an expectation that can’t be met.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I look at 5 things a spouse is NOT (and cannot be). Then, we spend some time discussing what a spouse CAN be (once you get past the disconnection and hurt).

Listen below.

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