can this marriage be saved – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

The Next Phase: Chronic or Thriving?

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg November 16, 2022 November 15, 2022

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 16, 2022

Has the crisis in your marriage passed… but you aren’t sure where things are now?

Well, that would put you in good company! I have been asking for listener questions, and noticed this was the theme for quite a few.

What’s the theme? The immediate crisis has passed. The separation or divorce is off the table. The affair is over. The spouse has returned to the home or bedroom. For most, communication was much improved. For many, lots of things had improved.

Several told me how they had used my program and were closer now than ever before.

But….

And this is where there is often some diversity of answers. Things felt stuck/stagnant/in limbo. Physical contact and connection was still missing. Trust was still struggling.

In other words, they had left the crisis phase of things, but were now in a chronic phase. The marriage was not fixed. It just was no longer on life-support.

So, what now?

Well, I discuss it in this episode of the podcast. You can listen below.

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Is It Too Toxic??

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 9, 2022

You probably know that I’m on the side of your marriage. I’m all about saving a marriage.

But does that mean that EVERY marriage will be saved, or even should be saved?

No.

First, there are times when BOTH people want to leave the marriage. At that point, there is nothing that WILL save the marriage. There has to be energy from AT LEAST one person, in order for anything to change.

Second, there are times when the toxicity level is high, creating a toxic situation for the spouses. In fact, there are 3 times when it MAY be too toxic. And there is 1 time when it absolutely too toxic to work on the marriage.

Let me tell you 5 symptoms of elevated toxicity, 3 times you may need to step back, and 1 time you definitely need to step back from the marriage.

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“No Closer!” — Stuck?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 27, 2021

What do you do when your spouse has shifted back toward you… some… but is still distant? More distant than you would like?

Do you have to just accept it, accept the lack of intimacy and connection?

Is that the relationship you are stuck with? Some connection. Still married. But not the warmth, love, and connection you do want?

That is the question posed to me. Mary reports that her husband returned after a number of months of separation. But now, some time later, after his return, the connection is not where it needs to be. It isn’t where Mary wants it to be.

What do you do, Mary wonders? Accept it? Make peace with the fact that her spouse does not want an intimate relationship with her?

I delve into Mary’s question (which may also be your question) about what to do when the connection is still not there, even after some improvement. I suggest 3 steps for Mary (and perhaps you) to take. And yes, we start at acceptance. But that is not about giving up!

Listen below.

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Your Questions About Infidelity, Part 1

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 16, 2019

Someone cheated. What now? Can a marriage survive infidelity, either physical or emotional? Can a relationship recover after an affair?

Over the past while, I have been answering listener questions (you can submit by emailing here). And this week, we turn our attention to the subject of infidelity and affairs (both physical and emotional).

To be honest, I receive more questions on this topic than any other (which is the reason I wrote the book on recovering from an affair). So, this is only part 1 of my answers.

Affairs and infidelity affect many marriages. They are a risk during a marriage crisis, and they deepen a crisis already happening. Infidelity is less a cause of the actual crisis, and more a symptom. But a discovered affair is often the first clear sign of the depths of crisis.

How do you deal with your emotions? How do you deal with your spouse? And how about that other person?

We touch on this and many other issues in the episode below. Listen in.

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When Is It Time To Separate?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 13, 2019

I think I have made it clear that I am not a fan of separation. Generally, it is a trial run at divorce, a “dress rehearsal.”

But is there a time when it is necessary to separate? When it is actually a good idea to separate?

Many couples face this question every year. They ponder the question, mulling it over. Should they separate? What does a separation do for the prospects of saving a marriage?

Having had this conversation with couples and individuals many times over my career, I can tell you that the conversation, itself, is painful and tough. Much less, actually separating.

Sometimes, there has to be a separation. In fact, in one instance, I think it is absolutely necessary.

Then, there are times when you may want to resist, but realize that there is more damage done by NOT separating than by separating.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I answer the question, “When is it time to separate?” Listen below.

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Why You and Your Plan Are Stalled

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 14, 2016

Are your efforts to save your marriage getting stalled? Maybe we should take a look at your plan.

You do have a plan, don’t you?

Let’s talk about 5 reasons your plan (or lack of plan) may be the trouble — and what we can do to make a switch.

To be crystal clear, all 5 reasons are in your control. YOU can choose how you move forward in each of these issues. You may not have control over your spouse’s reaction, but you do have choices in your planning and execution of your plan.

Check out these related trainings:
Points of Failure
Your Reasons Why

And check out these resources:
How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps book
The Save The Marriage System

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What Are You Controlling?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 18, 2016

So many times, I hear couples say, “Stop Controlling ME!” Interestingly, sometimes, both people are saying it to the other. BOTH people are not likely to get very far in controlling. But BOTH claim a controlling spouse, while NEITHER accepts being controlling.

Why is that?

From my perspective, people spend a great deal of energy trying to control things that cannot be controlled, and forgetting to control the things they CAN control.

And this is why both people can feel controlled, and neither can feel controlling.

Do you feel that you are in a controlling marriage, with a controlling spouse? Do you think YOU might be controlling, of your spouse and of your relationship?

Consider 3 categories of control, things over which you:

have NO control,
have PARTIAL control,
have FULL control.

Spend your time trying to control the things over which you have no control, and you are headed for frustration (your spouse’s and yours). Forget to control the things you can, and you are headed for problems.

Let’s talk about control — where you have it and where you don’t.

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How To Save Your Marriage When It Hurts

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 29, 2011

Too many times, I have answered my phone to sobs, had people come to my office in tears, write emails that are outpourings of pain.

So, let’s be clear — saving a marriage is tough work! It requires you to set aside the pain you feel and move forward. It means setting aside anger and resentment and choosing to relate.

Said another way, it requires us to get out of our lizard brain and back into our sensible brain.

We all have that lizard brain deep within our head. It is the part that tries to avoid pain at all costs, the one that calculates it is easier to avoid than deal with the tough stuff.

Your lizard brain is constantly telling you what to fear, what it thinks can hurt you — which, by the way, is just about everything. That part of you that keeps saying “but what if I try, and my spouse rejects me?” or “what if I do/say the wrong thing?” or the one that says “nothing is worth this.”

The sensible part, the one we humans pretend is really in charge, hears that deep voice, and then pretends it makes sense. But one step back, that brain knows that 1) there are no guarantees in life, 2) sometimes, life hurts, but that doesn’t mean we should shrink away, and 3) there are things like family, commitment, and love, that make the pain bearable.

When you find yourself wanting to give up, to get away from the pain, take a step back. Give yourself a chance to breathe. Then ask “can I keep trying?”, “am I really ready to quit?”, “am I willing to really give it my best shot?” If you decide you really want to quit, just make sure that lizard brain hasn’t hijacked the rest of you.

And when you are ready to keep on moving forward, to find a way, find your answer on how to save your marriage here.

Sometimes, It Is Just Easier To Give Up, Call It Quits. . .

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 23, 2011

. . .throw in the towel, walk away.

Easier. But better?

Let me tell you about Rod and Penny. They had been married for 17 years when they hit a tough spot. Both “tried to get things better,” although neither told the other. Then, both began to truly believe that the problem was the other one. With fingers pointed at each other, they came into my office, loaded.

They had a list of grievances. Both were ready to unload, to have me play judge and assign fault. I think both wanted me to tell him or her that he or she was innocent, and the whole problem with the marriage was the other.

I resisted, knowing that each had been a part of the problems. Instead, I tried to understand what was happening to the relationship. I listened as one would start a story, only to have the details either challenged or corrected. Quickly, we got off-track and derailed. The bickering was non-stop. The animosity was far too clear.

Finally, toward the end of a session, Rod turned and said, “I’ve had enough. It would be easier to just quit.” The room was silent for a moment. Then I asked, “is that what you really want? Is that where you are? Ready to give up? Or are you just frustrated and feeling hopeless?” Rod was silent.

In the midst of pain, we tend to easily confuse what would be easy and what would be useful. We confuse what we want with wanting to stop the pain. Caught between seeing more pain and seeing an end to the pain, we tend to want relief. But our sight is usually a bit clouded. Our emotions fool us into looking only at the pain, not the possibility.

I must admit, I am not much on giving up on a marriage. In fact, I really believe that marriages are way too important to simply quit on. Not that I think all marriages have to stick it out. In fact, I am clear that abusive marriages are outside of what I think should be saved. The danger is too great.

Problem is, we live in a society that is too often looking for the “easy” answer, the less painful way. Only to learn that it is neither easy nor painless. In fact, part of the reason I hold so strongly to marriage is because I know the people on the other side. The ones that threw in the towel, walked away, called it quits.

I have met VERY FEW that say “I am so glad I did that.” In fact, the vast majority tell me quite the opposite — “why didn’t we fight harder?”

Sometimes, the seemingly easy path is really the most dangerous path. And what looks like the most painful path is, indeed, the better way.

Save The Marriage Video: Will Problems Just Happen Again?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 27, 2011

Has your spouse told you that even if you did work on the marriage, the problems would just come back, so why bother? Or perhaps you did work on your marriage, only to see the problems return.

Does that mean that problems returning is unavoidable? Does that make you or your spouse wonder “what’s the point?”

I would contend that you have “missed the point!” Sure, every marriage has problems. But let me tell you how you can end a problem for good, and be better prepared to deal with any other problems that emerge!

Watch this video!