how can i save my marriage – Page 2 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Why I STILL Believe In Marriage

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg May 22, 2019 May 20, 2019

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 22, 2019

I suppose I have seen marriages in pretty tough spots. Destructive and hurting, I’ve watched relationships both heal and end. I’ve also had the privilege of seeing some pretty amazing marriages.

So, when I was asked by a client a few days ago, “After all this time, do you really still believe in marriage?”, I paused. Not because I wasn’t sure about my answer. I just wanted to be clear about my answer.

Somewhat flippantly, I replied, “Believe in it? I’ve seen it! I’m even in one!”

But more deeply, that question triggered me. Yes, of course I still believe in marriage. I work with hurting marriages every day. I coach, teach, and even push people toward better relationships, healthier marriages.

Still, that question….

WHY do I believe in marriage?

Because the problem is not with marriage. It’s with how we do it.

Culture certainly needs to act to help with people who are getting married… so that people are better prepared.

But guess what? YOU can act to improve your marriage…. That makes all the difference, as we work to save and improve marriages one relationship at a time.

Listen to the podcast episode below.

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Don’t Get Pulled Under

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 1, 2019

Every marriage crisis starts as a crisis of an individual. As it expands into the marriage, the question is whether you, the spouse, will get pulled under by the crisis.

Have you ever tried to save a drowning person?

This can be kind of like that. Get too close, and they will drag you under with them. Their desperation will overcome any sensible decision. Running purely on terror, they will flail, grab, and pull at anything that is nearby… and anyone.

And when someone is in crisis, it can certainly feel like drowning… even with no water (other than tears). The desperation is there. The flailing is there. And if you aren’t careful, you can get pulled under.

One person in crisis is enough. Two people multiples the complications and difficulties in recovering the relationship.

Don’t allow yourself to get pulled under.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss 4 rules to keep from getting pulled under.

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Why People Get Derailed

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 6, 2019

When a marriage crisis hits, people kick into gear! They dig in and work on their relationship. Many times, they start to see results. Things are turning for the better. The relationship is warming. Things aren’t quite so hostile.

But then….

They get derailed. Thrown off-course. Lost in the crisis.

Not surprisingly, any gains made are quickly lost. Things become even more tense and fractured.

Why did they get derailed? Four reasons: Distracted, Distanced, Doubtful, and Discouraged.

I go into each of these… as well as how to avoid falling into the trap and getting derailed… in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast. You can listen below.

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It’s a NO… (unless you ask/try)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 9, 2019

It is probably the most frequent question I get… “Should I try to save my marriage?” I get it in conversations, voicemails, emails, even by Messenger the other day. People often give me a few (sometimes, very few) details about their relationship and want my professional opinion on whether they should try to save their marriage (or keep trying).

Truth is, that is a decision I cannot and will not make. Each person has to decide whether they want to try and save the marriage. I can’t make that choice for them.

But I do think there are some pretty important things to consider, as you try to answer that question.

One thing, after nearly 3 decades of helping people with their marriages, I know is the outcome of NOT working on their relationship. NOT trying is almost certainly NOT saving the relationship. There is a high probability that not taking action will lead to the marriage ending.

The real choice is NOT saving the marriage or PERHAPS saving the marriage.

Is it possible that you put forth effort… really dig in… really give it your best effort… and your marriage still fails. But it is nearly guaranteed that if you don’t take action, your marriage will end. And it is highly possible that you put in the effort… and your marriage is saved.

The choice is your choice. But it is a NO… unless you try.

Let’s talk about that choice in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast

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blah, Blah, BLAH… BANG

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 12, 2018

And suddenly… crisis!

(or not)

RARELY does a crisis come “out of the blue.”

Many times, people will tell me that they “had no idea,” or “never saw it coming.” But then, we start talking. And they tell me about those little warning signs along the way. The ones they ignored. Or that they didn’t fully respond to.

Those signs? That’s the “blah, blah, blah’s” that come before the crisis. The “I’m not happy.” The “something’s not quite right.” The “I need something to change.” Those are the “blah’s” that are either missed or ignored.

Or half-heartedly heard.

No real changes. Just attempts to duck the conflict, to change the conversation.

Here’s the thing: if you are already at BANG!, you can’t go back and address the “blah’s”. You do have to deal with the crisis. But you also want to be clear on how you got here. How the “blah’s” got missed. And why you are at BANG!

Let’s talk about it on this week’s episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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Surviving Mistakes and Backslides

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 8, 2017

It happens. You are trying to save your marriage and. . . you make a mistake. You violate your own plan.

And things take a slide backwards.

Maybe you aren’t even sure if it is possible to get back on-track.

Most of the time, the answer is “absolutely.”

This week, I cover how to recover from a mistake, how to stop the backsliding, and how to start moving forward again.

If you violated one of my 5 Things To Avoid Doing, maybe even before you knew about them (and even after you learned about them), you can still recover and start moving forward.

If you decided to eat better. . . then you hit the dessert buffet, what do you do? Toss in your plan? Or get going on your plan? Same here.

But let’s talk about how to not just survive the mistakes, but get going again. Listen below.

Survive Series:
Surviving Separation
Surviving Conflict
Surviving the Golden Hour

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“What If I CAN’T Save It?” — Your Fears Addressed

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 12, 2017

Two phone calls the same day. Both with the same question: “What if I CAN’T save my marriage?” One had been working at it for awhile. The other hadn’t started (and was trying to decide whether to even start).

It’s a common question that gets asked at 3 different times in the process. Each has a different meaning. All share a fear.

That fear can keep you from taking action, talk you into giving up, or serve to inform you.

This week, I want to take on the question, “What if I can’t save it?”, because not every marriage can be saved. (But NONE will be saved without action.)

Don’t let the question trip you up. Understand what’s behind it. And learn my answer to the question.

Listen below. . .

(And if you are ready to get started, GRAB MY SAVE THE MARRIAGE SYSTEM HERE.)

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Don’t Wait For Confidence

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 11, 2017

Confidence and capability. Two big blocks holding people back from saving their marriage — unnecessarily!

People call or write me and tell me they are absolutely ready to do whatever it takes to save their marriage. . . IF I can tell them their marriage can be saved. . . BEFORE they take action.

They want confidence. But that puts it in the wrong order. Confidence does not come before action. It comes as a result of having taken action.

Which leads to people asking, “how do I take action?” That is all about having capabilities — abilities and knowledge, tools, skills. THAT isn’t even the starting point. In some ways, that is the easier part of the process. (If you want to gain the skills and knowledge, get the tools, and create capabilities, GRAB THIS SYSTEM.)

Don’t wait for confidence. Listen to this week’s podcast for where you REALLY start.

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Do You Choose Your Response?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 20, 2016

Have you ever been sucked into a situation or argument, then realized your actions were not what you wanted?

There is that split second, that pause, where you get to choose your response.

Many people miss that split second, telling themselves, “I had no choice. I was just reacting.”

But deep down, we know that is not the case. We have a choice on how to respond. Miss that choice and regret the reaction.

How do you choose?

Let’s talk about that in this week’s podcast. Listen below.

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Escape The Perception/Connection Trap

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 16, 2016

It is not about “communication,” no matter what you hear (from friends or a therapist). Most people communicate just fine. They have another issue: perception. How they perceive each other, that is the bigger issue.

And then the trap is laid.

Perception and connection. They create a downward spiral (unless you escape it) that traps you into a fall into disconnection.

I call it the Perception/Connection Trap. You have perceptions of each other (that are always at least partly fictional), and you have some level of connection. When your perceptions of each other are poor (negative), your connection begins to falter. When you are feeling disconnection, your perceptions grow more negative. Which leads to further disconnection. Which leads to further negative perceptions.

The spiral downward.

The bad news is this pattern traps many couples into a painful marriage crisis.

The good news is that you can escape the Perception/Connection Trap. And the great news is that you can use the reverse of the cycle to re-grow the connection and the relationship.

Learn how in this week’s podcast trying (and if you find it helpful, please use the SHARE buttons below).

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