how to save your marriage – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Helping or Hurting??

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg January 4, 2023 January 3, 2023

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 4, 2023

You’ve been working on saving your marriage… and you aren’t seeing the traction you want. Or maybe is just isn’t moving as fast as you would like.

Sometimes, it can take more time than you think or want.

But are there times that your efforts are doing more harm than good?

Are there times you are hurting, not helping, your relationship and your chances at saving it?

Yes.

There are common situations I see in my coaching, where someone’s efforts to save a marriage are actually doing more harm than good. Interestingly, people make the same mistakes others have made.

More interestingly, they are easy to see when they are pointed out. And more importantly, they can be corrected, once you can see them.

So, let’s talk about the times when people do more harm than good in their efforts to save a marriage.

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Hot & Cold

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 14, 2022

Hot and cold. That is often what I hear people describe. About their spouses. One minute/hour/day/week, there is warmth and connection… things seem to be improving. And in the next minute/hour/day/week, the cold returns. Distance and dread return. Are things going south? Is this the time when things don’t turn around?

And then… the pattern repeats again.

It can through you off your efforts, discourage you, even tempting you to give up.

So, what is that all about, anyway?

“M” is in this very situation. She wants to understand it, so she knows how to respond (not react, but respond). It may be YOUR question, too. Especially if your spouse did what M’s spouse did: Gave the “ILYBNILWY” speech (“I Love You But Not In Love With You”)

I explain what is going on here, and what to do about it. Listen below.

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How You Show Up

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 23, 2022

We all “show ourselves” in our interactions with others. Sometimes, we truly Show Up, bringing our best self to the relationship.

Other times, we bring an angry/resentful presence to the table. Other times, it might be a cold/distant presence. And still other times, it might be a needy/desperate presence.

As you may have guessed, an angry or distant or needy presence rarely serves the relationship or the improvement of a relationship.

Maybe you think you are just responding to what is coming your way… that you are just following your spouse’s lead… or the lead of the world around you.

But we all get to choose how we will Show Up.

We get to choose how we want to be, who we want to be, in all of our relationships. We don’t have to leave it to reaction or fear, resentment or hurt. We can choose how and who we will be in life.

How do YOU Show Up?

Listen for how to Show Up the way you want to!

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5 Factors of Success

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 16, 2022

I wish I had a crystal ball that would let me successfully determine which marriages could be saved. Yes, it is true. Not every marriage WILL be saved. I can’t guarantee that.

But I DO think there is a “reverse” guarantee. If your marriage is in trouble and you do nothing, I can pretty much guarantee that your marriage will NOT survive. But guarantee that it WILL survive? I can’t do that.

What I try to do, instead, is “stack the deck” in your favor. I try to provide tools and change that will INCREASE the chances of your saving your marriage. And not just save. Help it to thrive. Help you to build a marriage that BOTH of you would treasure and protect.

Some people act like it is just a game of chance. A flip of the coin. Heads up, you stay married; tails up, you divorce. That is NOT the case. You can improve your chances. But not just by trying “a little of this, a little of that.” You need a coherent process and method, along with some tools and understandings.

But what I have noticed is there are some factors that determine a higher likelihood of success. And the more of these five factors that are moving your way, the better your “hand” you are playing.

One of these factors is outside of your control. But you have four others that you CAN control. You want to save your marriage and you want to improve it. Your spouse, though, can’t see that right now. So, you need to have your best hand to play as you work on the relationship.

What are those 5 Factors? I discuss each one in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast. You can listen below.

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Why Your Spouse Doesn’t See A Change

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 29, 2021

You’ve been working hard. You’ve been trying to make some personal changes, growing and expanding yourself. You’ve been trying to build a connection with your spouse, slowly and steadily.

You feel good about what you are doing. You believe you are gaining grown.

But then, your spouse doesn’t notice any change at all!

What happened? Why can’t your spouse see the changes?

It can be challenging, frustrating, hurtful, and downright defeating. But there is a reason your spouse isn’t noticing (or admitting to noticing) the changes.

In fact, there are 3 reasons why your spouse doesn’t see the changes.

Let’s take a look at the 3 reasons, and start creating a strategy to make those changes visible.

Listen below.

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Have You Been “Friend Zoned”?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 1, 2021

I often get a message that goes something like this, “We have been making progress on our marriage. I’ve been working hard to reconnect, and think I have done a good job. But lately, we don’t seem to be making any more progress. Did my spouse Friend Zone me??”

Since I have heard this from coaching clients and total strangers, people in my program and listeners of my podcast, I thought I needed to address it.

First, let me just say, there is a “Zone” of disconnection and recovery that can feel like a stagnant friend zone. But is that really what it is?

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss what people mean when they say “Friend Zoned” or “Roommates Only,” and why it happens. I also discuss what a healthy marriage looks like. We dive into the process of connection (along with disconnection and reconnection). And I talk about why you always pass through this zone… in both directions. Then, we discuss why some people get stuck here. And we look at how to make sure you don’t get stuck.

Listen below.

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Too Self-Centered for Your Marriage?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 30, 2021

“You are just too selfish and self-centered. That is why we have marriage problems.” Have you heard that before?

A listener is wondering if she is too self-centered for her marriage. I am guessing that her spouse has told her just that. Maybe even said she is selfish.

It is always interesting when I hear this accusation in my office… from both people! At the same time!

Both accuse the other of causing the problems because they are too selfish and self-centered.

To be clear, it is entirely possible to be self-centered and selfish… certainly completely out of balance with what is healthy. And it is possible to be accused of that, but it is really something else.

Let’s talk about your perspective, what it might mean to be “selfish,” and when it might be a problem (along with when it might actually be another problem).

Listen below.

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Save The Marriage ARC

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 2, 2021

Since my book, Thrive Principles, came out, people have asked me why I shifted my focus from saving marriages to thriving. In reality, there is no shift. My System on saving a marriage is the same path to having a thriving marriage. In fact, my focus from the beginning was on how to have a thriving life in all areas of living — including in marriage.

Which means that there are many cross-over points between how we thrive and how we save a marriage.

In this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss three anchors of Thrive Principles that can help you address the issues in your marriage.

These three principles can help you save your marriage. Just remember the acronym, ARC.

Acceptance
Responsibility
Control

Use these three principles as you work to save your marriage.

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The Connection Principle

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 26, 2021

Connection is the lifeblood of any relationship… and especially a marriage. When connection is cut off, the relationship falters. When a marriage is disconnected, the marriage is at risk.

This concept is the backbone of my approach. It is the core of my System — restoring the connection.

Which is the problem. Many people push and push for connection, leading to — ironically — even less connection and more push-back.

The concept of connection as the most important factor in saving a marriage suddenly hits a wall. The techniques people use to restore connection lead to DIS-connection, rather than connection.

Instead of helping, I notice many people are harming their attempts to save their marriage. Not from ill-will but misunderstanding.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I explore the principle of Connect, Don’t Crowd. This principle is the 1st of 10 I covered with my VIP Virtual Coaching members. But it was so important, I wanted to make sure you understand it. (The other 9 are still available to all VIP members.)

Listen below to understand the importance of connection, how to do it, and how to avoid the crowding.

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3 Barriers and Beyond

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 24, 2021

For some reason, your spouse just can’t see a way forward. You want things to be better… you want to save your marriage. But your spouse can’t (or won’t) see a possibility.

Why?

There are actually 3 real barriers your spouse might be experiencing. They just can’t see a way around any or all of the barriers.

Those 3 barriers are Hurting, Hopeless, and Helpless. Emotional struggles are painful — for all involved! And many times, it just doesn’t seem like there is a way to get help… and that can make you feel helpless. Add those together, and it can seem pretty helpless.

But is it?

Not if you can find a way beyond the 3 barriers.

In my VIP Program, I provide a weekly training, along with tools and coaching, to help people who are ready to make a real shift in their relationship. My System is kind of like the white belt training — knowing what you need to know to deal with a basic situation. VIP is the blue belt, designed for those wanting more effectiveness and efficiency in their efforts.

During one of those trainings awhile back, I addressed those 3 barriers. The training caused such a stir that I wrote a book about it. But those 3 barriers are so important that you need to know about them, too. So, I am doing something I don’t do: I’m giving you access to this VIP training. It IS a bit longer than my typical podcast, as we go deep (and the book goes deeper).

Listen in to learn the 3 barriers, and how to begin to get beyond them.

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