Close
Enter your
text here
Posts Tagged :

marital advice

5 Ways Your Hurt and Pain Keep You Stuck
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

How your hurt and pain keeps you stuck.“James” and “Tina” are like many people who have contacted me over the years.

James and his wife had been struggling for years.  Arguments, fights, and conflicts had cut into their love for each other.

While James believed there was still love there, he knew it was buried deep for both of them.  James spent lots of time licking his wounds, remembering the struggles — and usually seeing that he had been “done wrong.”

He contacted me because James didn’t want to end his marriage.  But he didn’t know what to do.  He was stuck.

Tina’s husband just left one day.  They had not been fighting.  Really, neither had ever been much on arguing.

On his way out the door, Tina’s husband said, “I just don’t feel anything.  I need to clear my mind and see what comes up.”  And he was gone.

Tina was devastated.  What had she done?  Why had she been abandoned?  Tina wrote to say, “I don’t want a divorce.  But I didn’t do this.  Why should I have to do anything?”

Pain and hurt.  We avoid those feelings, but they still come to us.  That’s a part of life.

But sometimes, the pain and hurt can keep us stuck.  Ironically, when pain or hurt keeps you stuck, you generally only get more pain and hurt.  In other words, the “stuck” just keeps us in a cycle of getting more of what we want to avoid.

Is there another option?

Let’s discuss why pain and hurt keep you stuck and the games you play because of the hurt.  Then, let’s discuss a way to get un-stuck.

Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Games and Hidden Agendas
Responsibility and Marriage
Forgiving the Hurt
Save The Marriage System

 

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

11 Things Happy Couples Do Differently: Companionship (part 3)
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

Happy couples are no different than unhappy couples.  They have similar backgrounds, same jobs, same income levels, and same interests.

But they do some things differently.  And those differences in how they do conflict, connection, and companionship, make all the difference.

Changes in action lead to changes in trajectory.  That leads to changes in outcome.

But what if you could extrapolate those differences, and add them into YOUR relationship.

Well, for the past three episodes, that is what we have been doing.

In the first episode, we looked at how happy couples do conflict differently.

In the second episode, we looked at how happy couples connect with each other differently.

In this week’s episode, we turn to how happy couples treat each other differently, as individuals.  This is about how they treasure their companion and protect their relationship.

Successful couples see themselves as a team, a unit, a WE (as I call it).  But that WE is made up of two individuals.  Those two individuals create the strongest WE when they are strong, themselves.  When they develop and grow, the bring that growth and energy into the relationship.

More than that, happy couples create and maintain boundaries around their relationship.  They protect and treasure the relationship.  They support and treasure each other.

Learn how happy couples treat their companionship in this week’s podcast episode.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Being a WE
Working On Yourself
Being Your Spouse’s #1 Fan
Come Together or Fall Apart
Save The Marriage System

 

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

4 Foundations Of A Forever Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

4 foundations of a forever marriage.I’ve asked the question many times:  “What is the foundation of a strong marriage?”

I usually get the same response:  “love.”

In your mind, please now hear the “Buzzzz” sound, indicating that answer is wrong!

Please understand:  I am not opposed to love.  I deeply love my wife.  I do not believe that a loveless marriage is the aim.

I simply do not believe that love is the foundation of a strong, enduring, lasting, forever marriage.

Here is why:  when love is seen as the foundation, you have nowhere to go when the feelings of love ebb.  Those feelings DO ebb in every relationship.  It is just the nature of such intimate relationships.

And, if you want the real secret, the 4 foundations, when followed, DO lead to love (both the action and the feeling).

What do I mean by “foundation?”  Over the weekend, my wife had HGTV on.  So, by default, I was “watching” the show (I will admit to nothing more than that!).

As is prone to happen on this particular show, they tore down the walls to rebuild — and discovered that things were amiss!  The foundation was failing and the house was sinking.

The foundation is what supports the rest of the structure.  Without a strong foundation, the structure of the house (and a marriage) begins to sink and crumble.  The stronger the foundation, the safer the structure (your relationship and your family).

Here is the good news:  when you understand the foundations, you can spot the weaknesses and either rebuild or reinforce.

Ready to discover the 4 foundations of your forever marriage?  Listen below.

Note:  I mention 2 interviews in the podcast.
HERE is the link to my interview with Gary Chapman.
HERE is the link to my interview with Bob Grant.

 

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Time To Really Show Up In Your Marriage!: #50 Save Your Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

Show up in your marriage!We all do it.  We play it small.  We try to “slide by,” avoid the conflict, and hope something will change.

If you find yourself doing that, time to stop!  Life happens, problems end, and relationships improve, only when we finally commit to showing up.

Being present can radically change your relationship.  Really being there, present and attentive, can change your entire life.

So why don’t we show up?  Past hurts, fears, anger, resentment — they all can get in the way.

But letting those emotions and concerns get in your way only limits your life.  They only keep you trapped.

Free yourself and discover how to show up in this week’s podcast.

Let me know what you think in the comments area below!

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

5 Steps To A Midlife Marriage Mess; 5 Steps Through A Midlife Marriage Mess: #46 Save Your Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

How to save your marriage in a midlife crisis.Midlife crisis.  It is the brunt of many jokes.  Some people say there is no such thing.  Evidently, they have never had a spouse go through a midlife crisis.

Some people scoff at people who buy a new sports car, change their diet/exercise/activities/friends, look for another love interest, change careers, or any other “symptom” of the crisis.  But this misses the reality, depth, and pain of such a crisis.

There are 5 steps that create a midlife marriage crisis, and there are 5 tasks required to successfully navigate the crisis.

If you are trying to survive a midlife crisis of a spouse, you will want to tune in and learn about why the crisis is there, how it can be useful, and how to change the outcome, so you can save your marriage (and your sanity!).

Did you know this crisis can be an opportunity for growth?

Did you know this crisis may propel your relationship to a whole other level (much deeper and satisfying)?

Did you know there are ways to keep the crisis from getting stuck?

Learn the 5 steps in and out, so that you can change the direction of a downward spiral, revive your marriage, and become healthier from it all.

Let me know what you think in the comments area below!

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

7 Steps To A Marriage Saving Mindset: #45 Save Your Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

Save your marriage by reaching for more.If you have decided to save your marriage, you have REACHED toward something many people don’t.

Saving your marriage can be a difficult process.  It will challenge you emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.  And in the process, you can choose whether to fall victim to the process or be transformed by the process.

In this podcast, I invite you to be transformed.  In fact, I offer you 7 steps that will allow you to transform your mindset, your life, and quite possibly, your marriage.  If you follow these 7 steps, you will find a path of growth.  If you do not, you may find yourself caught in blame and misery.

Please take a listen and let me know what you think.  Would you add any other steps?  How have you already taken some of the steps?  What steps WILL you take?  Commit to the change and let us know in the comments area below.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

3 Things You MUST Do After An Argument: #44 Save Your Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

Arguments.  We all have them.  Few of us believe they are useful.  Most people find them hurtful and destructive.

Yet we still argue.

After a lifetime of arguments, do we really believe that this argument or the next one is going to work better?

And yet we still argue.

A number of years ago, I was speaking with a very conflicted couple.  They were once again arguing in my office.  I once again stopped them as they began to spiral down into yet another argument about yet the same issues they had covered over and over in the past (with no resolution).

I told them we HAD to get the arguing stopped.  I noted the arguments they were having were not solving anything, and weren’t even trying to solve anything.  They were just trying to score points against each other.  They looked at each other, looked at me blankly, and said, “If we don’t argue, what will we do?”

Habit.  Their arguing had become habit.  It was their default way of communicating.  They solved nothing, but they couldn’t figure out another way to communicate.

Been there?  Done that?  Argued and argued, even with that small voice telling you, “This is not going to go well.  This is not going to solve anything.”  Or perhaps you had another little belief, “This time, they will see that I am right.  This time, my spouse will see that my logic, my reasoning, is correct.”

My guess is the argument ended the same way:  both people hurt and neither person changing views.  In fact, generally, we dig in even deeper and hold even tighter to our beliefs (even if we might secretly doubt ourselves).  And you might even find yourself justifying that you’ve been done wrong (those thoughts may even be worthy of a country music song).

Why do we do it?  Why do we argue?  This week, in the Save Your Marriage Podcast, I cover some reasons why we argue, why they don’t work, and what to do about it.

The real focus, though, are the 3 things you MUST do after an argument.  Let me tell you now:  none of the 3 are about an apology.  That is too easy.  This is about getting below the argument and examining what is going on with YOU, and why YOU got caught up in the argument.

Only from there can anything change.

Let me know what you think in the comments are below!

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Why Do Good People Have Bad Marriages?: #43 Save Your Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

Why do good people have bad marriages and how to save it.In my years as a therapist, I met the nicest people. . . many suffering in painful relationships.

Sometimes, it can seem so confusing.  Why can two nice people struggle so much to have a good marriage?  How do two people that seemed so loving when they married, end up feeling frustrated and ready to walk away?

There are some reasons why this happens.  In fact, there is a common pattern, almost a cascade of events, that leads to a painful, conflicted, or disconnected relationship.

The nice thing is once you see the pattern, you can begin to break the pattern and rebuild the relationship.

Would you like to know about that pattern?

Please listen to the free podcast audio below and discover the reasons why good people can have a bad marriage — and how to keep that from happening.

Oh, and let me know what you think in the comments are below.

And if you are ready to get started rebuilding, please grab my Save The Marriage System HERE.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Is Your Marriage Chronically Stuck and Acutely Painful?: #42 Save Your Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

Save your marriage in spite of chronic hurt and acute pain.Is your marriage in a chronic state of stuck?  Does your relationship suffer from acute periods of pain?  Often, those moments of acute pain lead to a chronic state of “stuck.”  But that chronic state of “stuck” also creates the potential for more moments of acute pain.

Feeling stuck can lead to reactions of pain and anger.  And those flares of pain and anger simply adds to the feeling of being stuck.

Do you stay stuck or do you leave for something better?  Or do you find a third solution:  a way to move the marriage out of stuck and to what Relationship Coach Annette Carpien refers to as having a “juicy marriage?”

Annette should know.  She is a part of my team of highly skilled, highly trained, and highly effective Relationship Coaches.  But more than that, she has traveled the terrain.  She went from stuck to “juicy marriage” in her own life.  gling

In this podcast, Annette and I discuss how to break through the pain, how to break through the stuckness, even how to break through a desire to quit the relationship.  We talk about how your thoughts get in your way, how to stop struggling with your thoughts, and then how to choose your thoughts.

We discuss some habits you can make for yourself to “rewire” your behavior and your brain, and how to shift your relationship to one of vision and possibility.

Ready to discover and build a “juicy marriage?”  Please take a listen.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

How To Heal Disconnection PODCAST: Save The Marriage Episode 4
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

The latest Save The Marriage Podcast is here and available!

In this episode, we discuss emotional disconnection and how to heal it.

I provide 4 foundational steps in how to heal the disconnection and rebuild the connection, along with concrete steps on exactly what to do.

Let me know what you think in the comments below!

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS