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When Your Spouse Wants To TALK
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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When your spouse wants to talk. What do you do?“We need to talk,” is the start-up of many conversations with a spouse in marital strife.  Those words can strike fear and dread into you.  What if things turn south?  How do you respond?  What do you do?

If you are following my System, you know that I have a number of “Don’t Do’s” that can keep you out of trouble.  This is my list of thing NOT to do.

And one biggie is Don’t Talk About The Relationship.  What I mean by that is YOU should not have THE “Relationship Talk.”  You know… the one that you have rehearsed in your head… the one where your spouse will “see the light” and return to the marriage — given your full list of reasons and emotions.

Except… that is not what happens.  Your spouse is not reading off of the script you have in your head.  And so, the talk goes south.

So, what do you do, then, if you are committed to not having the “relationship talk,” and your spouse is wanting to talk about the relationship?

I’m here to help!  In this week’s podcast episode, I cover this question.  I tell you why your spouse wanting to talk about your marriage is NOT the same as my rule about not having that Relationship Talk.  And I share why avoiding your spouse’s desire to talk is actually a problem.  Perhaps a BIG problem.

So, how do you have that talk and make it work FOR your relationship?  Listen to the episode for help on how to talk about the relationship when your spouse wants to, without having THE “Relationship Talk.”

Resources
Connection versus Confusion
Communication is Not the Issue
Relationship Talks
Save The Marriage System

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Earning Back Love (Is NOT The Goal)
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Saving your marriage is NOT about earning back your spouse's love.Sometimes, people tell me that as they are trying to save their marriage, they actually feel like they are trying to earn back the love of a spouse.  They want to know if that is what it really is — earning back the love (and even trust).

The short answer is NO, that is not the goal.

A slightly longer answer is that if you are working to earn back love, you are also working on building a unsustainable and not-very-healthy relationship.

That is my topic for this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast:  why you are NOT trying to earn back your spouse’s love, why that approach is problematic, AND what to do instead.

Your marriage can be saved.  But not by trying to earn back your spouse’s love.

Can the love return to your marriage?  Absolutely.

But that doesn’t mean it is the goal of the process.

(Love isn’t earned.  It is given.)

RESOURCES
Connection and Marriage
Building A WE
Forgiveness and Marriage
Save The Marriage System

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Beware of “Easy” Tips and Tricks
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Saving your marriage is simple. That does not mean it is easy. Nor does it mean an easy trick or tip will work.It’s a common question.

And a dangerous question.

“Give me an easy trick or tip that will save my marriage.”  I heard it last week from a phone call.

Another one just wanted the “Cliff Notes” on saving their marriage.  No need to go in-depth.  Just an overview.  And “easy” way to save their marriage.

First, let me be clear:  I do believe that both people were quite sincere in their desires to save their marriage.  I think they both wanted to turn things around, to “fix” things.

But… they wanted the “short cut.”  No muss.  No fuss.  Just a quick way to turn it around.

Quick question:  just before you go into surgery, do you want to think your doctor just looked up a quick “tip” on your surgery — maybe just read the overview from a journal or book — or, would you rather know that the doctor had put in the time and effort to learn about how to do the surgery?

I know my answer.  I want him to KNOW what he is doing.  Not have a quick overview.

If it is just a book for a test, Cliff Notes!  I used them (I hate to admit).  But for something important?

We need to go in-depth.  Not to Ph.D. level (I did that so you don’t have to).  Enough, though, to be really doing the work.  Not just trying to get by and slide through the crisis.

The process of saving your marriage is actually pretty simple.  Which should never be confused with easy.  (I cover this in my book, How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps.)

Don’t fall for the “easy tip/trick” or look for the easy answer.  Make it real.

This is what I discuss in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast.  You can listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
“I Saved My Marriage”
“No Contact” is Crap
Reverse Psychology
You Need A Plan
The Save The Marriage System

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Making The Mosaic: Paula Martin
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Over these past few weeks, I have been letting my team of coaches share from their wealth of knowledge.  I’m betting you have been learning lots.  This week, we continue those interviews.

Coach Paula Martin

Paula has been with me since the beginning of my team of coaches.  But long before Paula came onto my team, she was already coaching.  Her training is in Relationship Coaching, but she is also trained and skilled as a mediator.  A core of mediation is finding a common goal or common interest, then building from there.  Not a bad skill for relationship recovery!

In our discussion, Paula brought up a powerful image:  the mosaic.  Paula noted that many times, when something in life seems shattered (like, for instance, a marriage), people feel hopeless that there is nothing to be done.  It is shattered and ruined, they believe.  Paula notes that every beautiful mosaic is made from broken pieces.  Pieces that are put together in a beautiful pattern that wasn’t possible before it was broken.

Sometimes, something beautiful can come out of the broken.  Many times, this is true with marital problems.

If you hear something that fits for you — if you resonate with what Paula discusses — you might want to contact her.  You can email her by CLICKING HERE.

 

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Growing After Loss: Dave Crispin
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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I’ve been introducing you to my team of coaches — and to their wisdom — over the past few weeks.  If you’ve been listening, you have heard from some talented and seasoned coaches.  And you have had the chance to get some great nuggets of knowledge from their years of experience.

Coach Dave Crispin

This week is no different — except for the distance.  My team member from “Down Under,” Dave Crispin and I had a late evening/early morning talk that you get to overhear today.  Listen in as Dave talks about his own journey to today.

Dave didn’t start as a coach.  After his own loss, Dave found himself learning and growing.  Not because things were easy, but because things had been tough and he knew he had to grow.

And along the way, Dave discovered his passion for helping people as they were struggling on their own life path.

While helping others grow, Dave discovered his capacity for helping couples grow, even when their marriage was in trouble.

Listen in as Dave and I discuss how to grow through the challenging times, even using the challenges as inspiration.

If you hear something that clicks for you, and if you want to contact Dave, CLICK HERE to email him.

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We Change When We Change: Terri Hase
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Over these past few episodes, I have been sharing interviews with my team of coaches — and sharing their depth of wisdom and knowledge with you.

Coach Terri Hase

This week, I share an interview with Terri Hase.  Another of my skilled and seasoned coaches, Terri brings a wealth of knowledge and tools to her clients.  And in our interview, Terri shares some great information for anyone trying to save their marriage.

One of the topics we discuss is change — even the delayed change.  You know, those things that need to be change, but we put them off?  And then, you make the change… only to have a spouse doubt your veracity.

Well, change is tough.  And sometimes, we don’t make changes… until we have to.

Don’t let that diminish your efforts to make changes!  Even when a spouse is resisting, making those changes is necessary and important.

Listen in as Terri discusses her journey through challenges to arrive at coaching, and how to move through the change process.

If you want to contact Terri, CLICK HERE TO EMAIL.

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Staying The Course: Laurie Johnson
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Over the past few episodes, you have met some of my coaches.  All are amazing and outstanding coaches, as well as wonderful people.  Today, you get to meet another amazing person, Laurie Johnson.

Coach Laurie Johnson

So, what do you do when one of the worst hurricanes hits your home and destroys all that you have?  You rebuild.  Not just your property, but your life.

Which is precisely how Laurie found her home in coaching.  As is true with most coaches, it is not a matter of starting at zero.  Most people who become coaches have been “coaching” their entire lives.  They just didn’t know it.  So, for Laurie, it was about connecting the dots, seeing a new future, and building toward that.

Interestingly, that is pretty much the recipe for rebuilding a marriage.  Once you can connect all the dots, you have to be able to see a different future.  Beyond the devastation that might be there.  To a future that is bigger and better.  And then, you have to do the work to build toward that.

Laurie and I talk about the importance of those efforts — the importance of choosing your direction and then “staying the course.”

Listen in as Laurie shares her wisdom for dealing with a marriage crisis, even when the storm is hitting, the winds are blowing, and you aren’t sure if you can hold on.  You can.

If you want to contact Laurie, CLICK HERE TO EMAIL.

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Uncovering Hope: Annette Carpien
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Hope is an interesting thing.  It can disappear — or you can build it.

Coach Annette Carpien

Over the last few weeks, I’ve been introducing you to my incredibly talented team of coaches.  And this week, Annette Carpien is my guest.  A part of my team from the beginning of me having a team, Annette is a skilled coach who brings hope into her work.

In her coaching, Annette wants to do more than just make a small shift in the relationship.  As she puts it, she wants to help make the relationship “juicy,” something that both people cherish and protect.

As Annette and I talk, you will hear her infectious enthusiasm that comes from a place of hope — and confidence that she can help make a real shift.

With her tools and skills, Annette is a great asset to my team, a great coach, and a wealth of wisdom for those ready to make a true shift.

If you resonate with anything you hear from Annette and would like to discuss coaching with her, contact her by EMAILING HERE.

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Shift From Control: Nina Potter
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Over the last couple of episodes, and over the next few, you get to meet and learn from my amazing coaches.  They are all hand-selected by me because of their expertise as coaches.  Then, we add in my tools and approach.  And, their outstanding coaching becomes your chance for transformation.

Coach Nina Potter

In this episode, I chat with Nina Potter, one of my earliest coaches.  Nina knows relationship struggles because she has been there.  And because of her own relationship challenges, Nina set out to learn all about relationships:  what makes them healthy — and how to turn them around when they aren’t healthy.

My coaches are a wealth of wisdom.  And Nina shares her wisdom during our discussion.  We talk about the dangers of control, and how to make a shift when a marriage is stuck.

If you are interested in contacting Nina, you can EMAIL HER HERE.

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Return To Love: Debbie Rivera
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Last week, you got to hear from me a little about who I am and why I do what I do.  Over the next few weeks, I want to introduce you to my amazing team of coaches.  Not just introduce you, but let you listen to their wisdom that can help you in your efforts to save your marriage.

Coach Debbie Rivera

This week, I introduce you to Coach Debbie Rivera.  Debbie is a gem of a person and a diamond of a coach!  She brings skill and integrity into her coaching and her life.  Her calm and cool can guide you through a crisis. Her skills can equip you to take on your crisis effectively and efficiently.

As we talk, Debbie shares one of the most important shifts that must happen in the process of saving a marriage:  returning to love.

Listen as Debbie and I discuss the process of returning to love.

(And if you want to contact Debbie, CLICK TO EMAIL)

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