angry marriage – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

The Anger/Blame/Shame Dance

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg October 6, 2021 October 5, 2021

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 6, 2021

Do you ever feel like you are dancing with your spouse… and not a fun dance??

Most of the time, couples get into habits. They both know the steps, and they just keep going through them, 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2-3….

No, the dances aren’t particularly helpful. And yes, we keep dancing them, anyway!

One dance that many couples fall into is the Anger-Blame-Shame 3-step. And that particular dance? It keeps on repeating. Except that the anger grows. So does the blaming.

And so does the feeling of shame! “Why can’t I/we figure this out?”, they wonder.

And then, they dance it again.

How can you stop the dance? How can you find better steps? Better ways of moving through life?

That is the topic of this podcast episode (listen below). I tell you about those dance steps and why we do them… along with how to make a shift.

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Is Your Crisis Hot or Cold?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 31, 2021

Is your marriage crisis marked by heated arguments or cold distance? Hot or cold?

Are they really that different? Or is it all a part of the same process? And how does it affect your attempts to save your marriage?

During back-to-back coaching sessions with two couples, I had a case of each. In the first, both were practically red-faced with anger, talking over each other and refusing to listen.

In the second session, the couple were cold and distant, refusing to engage with each other, routing all discussions through me. Both refused to listen to the other.

The underlying issues were the same. The emotional temperature was different. Each couple had set their “emotional thermostat” to a different level. And neither couple seemed interested in changing the setting.

What is the difference between the heat and the cold? How does it affect your efforts to save your marriage? Is it possible that both the heat and the cold are actually pointing toward the same process? The same path?

We explore the difference between hot and cold crises and what to do to turn it around in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

Listen below.

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“How Do You Deal With Bitterness And Resentment?” – Listener Question

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 26, 2019

.Resentment eats away at any relationship. It can destroy a marriage. Bitterness takes over and every good memory or thought is re-remembered and “bitter-ized” The foundational connection in the relationship is sapped of energy. Love and connection is slowly replaced with hate and disgust.

Can it be healed? Can you heal the resentment?

“Jared” wrote to me about his situation. It seems that his spouse has felt unappreciated for years. And even when Jared tried to change, to do better, that only threw fuel on the fire.

Instead of healing, the resentment seemed to grow.

So, Jared asked me, “How do you deal with long term bitterness and resentment?”

Maybe your particular situation and details are different. But anger and resentment (and the ensuing bitterness) affects many marriages. Troubled marriages are always hurting marriages, which comes out in anger and bitterness.

Can anything be done? Is there a path toward healing?

I cover the situation and the hope in the podcast. Listen below.

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How Are You Showing Up?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 24, 2019

We all “show ourselves” in our interactions with others. Sometimes, we truly Show Up, bringing our best self to the relationship.

Other times, we bring an angry/resentful presence to the table. Other times, it might be a cold/distant presence. And still other times, it might be a needy/desperate presence.

As you may have guessed, an angry or distant or needy presence rarely serves the relationship or the improvement of a relationship.

Maybe you think you are just responding to what is coming your way… that you are just following your spouse’s lead… or the lead of the world around you.

But we all get to choose how we will Show Up.

We get to choose how we want to be, who we want to be, in all of our relationships. We don’t have to leave it to reaction or fear, resentment or hurt. We can choose how and who we will be in life.

How do YOU Show Up?

Listen for how to Show Up the way you want to!

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Of Enemies and Victims

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 30, 2019

Roles. We all have them. We all play them.

Some are “identity roles.” They identify us in the role. For example, I am “son,” “father,” “brother,” “husband.”

Some are “function roles.” They identify what we do. For example, I am “coach,” “therapist,” “author,” “speaker,” and “podcaster” (among others). They tell you what I do, what role I play in life.

Then there are “attribution roles.” They try to describe why we do something.

And it is in the arena of attribution roles that I want to focus some attention. Because those attributions, both on ourselves and others, can serve to keep us stuck. And keep others stuck in the roles we attribute to them.

Two very toxic roles are the roles of Enemy and Victim.

To be clear, there is a difference between being a victim of some circumstance and playing the role of Victim.

And to be crystal clear, no matter what has happened in your marriage to this point, you are NOT Enemies. That is a role that you may assign. But it will keep you stuck.

Listen in to this podcast episode for more on avoiding these roles… and what to do, instead.

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Better or Bitter?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 2, 2019

I often watch people move toward one of two possibilities when a marriage is in trouble: Better or Bitter. One letter difference, but what a difference in destination.

One leads a couple to a rewarding and loving relationship, improving and stabilizing: Better.

The other leads to more anger, more resentment, more distance, and further deterioration: Bitter.

Here is the irony: many times, the person proclaiming a desire to work on the marriage, to get it turned around, is the one holding onto bitterness. And bitterness has a tendency to grow, unless the person chooses to make a shift.

A shift to Better.

Over the years, I have watched people who proclaim a desire to save their marriage. They start taking steps, start connecting, start the healing… and when a spouse begins to turn, the one putting in the work suddenly turns… away. The bitterness gains ground. It eats away at all progress.

And in the process, the couple proves the marriage was “too far gone,” “too hurt,” or “too damaged.” In reality, bitterness set in and disrupted any possibility of healing.

So, there is a choice: Bitter or Better?

Let’s talk about the roots of bitterness and how to let it go. Listen to the podcast below.

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Don’t Let Emotions Choose…

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 24, 2018

It’s a false belief in our culture that we need to “trust our gut” and “follow our emotions.” Emotions change. Feelings shift. And we can’t even say what our emotions are, much of the time.

Sure, you can feel an emotion. But tell me what it is? What it means? Why it is there right now… and might be gone in 5 minutes? Or tomorrow?

Let’s be clear: a hurting marriage is painful. Conflict is tough. Not connecting with someone close to you is frustrating. But does that mean that it is time to give up and walk away? What if your emotions are all over the place, making you feel like you need to give up and walk away.

Is that a reason to give up?

Notice: “feel like” is seen as a “reason.”

Many people tell me they just need to “follow their emotions.” I remind them that there is a group of people who do this… children — around 3 years old! Because they think that the emotion is truth. They are angry, so they throw a fit. 5 minutes later, the anger is gone, so they are happy to play. Until the next upheaval.

Part of maturity is recognizing that emotions are temporal. And we don’t have to react to an emotion. We can choose our response.

Especially around things like marriage. Important things.

Listen to this podcast episode to learn more.

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What You May Not Know About Love, Respect, and Civility: #32 Save Your Marriage Podcast

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 19, 2014

I can’t tell you how many times I have had someone tell me, “I am no longer in love with my spouse.” And while they are in my office, I get it. They call each other names, insult each other, blame, are unloving, and disrespectful.

And in the midst of all that, there is a cycle: “If you don’t show my love and respect, I won’t show you love and respect.”

A best-selling book, Love & Respect, Emerson Eggerichs says that men need respect more, and women need love more. He says that men can be unloving while showing respect, and women can be disrespectful when showing love. I think he is onto something. But perhaps there is more to it.

In this week’s podcast, I take a look at the issue of love and respect, but also look at civility and courtesy as a basic platform. If you feel unloved and/or disrespected (or your spouse feels that way), please listen. There is an alternative.

Let me know what you think in the comments area below.

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