lee baucom – Page 6 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Your Blame Addiction

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg May 12, 2021 May 11, 2021

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 12, 2021

Are you and your spouse addicted to blame? Do you find yourself pointing your finger toward your spouse, sure that it is really your spouse’s fault (and is your spouse doing the same thing?)?

Or maybe you are just blaming yourself. You see this whole mess as YOUR fault.

Blame has one single outcome — STUCK. It robs you of power (and steals away responsibility).

Blame is highly corrosive to connection. And it freezes up the process of change. It freezes out any chance for change.

And it is unnecessary. (Oh, and don’t fall into the trap of just changing who gets the blame. Blame your spouse or blame yourself. Same outcome.)

Let’s break the addiction to blame.

And if you are ready, you can grab my Save The Marriage System HERE.

OTHER HELPFUL RESOURCES
Anger and Marriage
Healing YOUR Resentment
Helping YOUR SPOUSE Heal Resentment
The Importance of Connection
The Save The Marriage System

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If THEY Can’t, Who Can?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 5, 2021

I was busy working on some projects when a news notification popped up on my tablet: “Bill and Melinda Gates Announce They Are Divorcing.” Wow, what a power couple! And they were calling it quits.

Whenever this happens, a powerful and successful couple decides to divorce, I hear from a few people. They look at all of that _______ (you fill in the blank: money, success, resources, connections, etc.) and wonder, “What chance do I have to save MY marriage, if THEY can’t stay together.”

I would presume that Bill and Melinda, along with Jeff and MacKenzie and many other mogul couples, could attend any couples retreat, meet with any therapist/coach, and invest in any intervention to save their marriage.

But they don’t.

Which raises the question for the rest of us… what chance do WE have in our own marriage? Or more specifically, you can ask, what chance do YOU have in saving YOUR marriage?

And what can we learn from the divorces of the rich, successful, and famous?

That is what I cover in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast (and let me just be clear, I have not coached or interacted with anyone I mentioned above — although I have had many interactions with very successful people in very unhappy marriages… and the lessons are the same).

Listen in below.

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“But What If I CAN’T Save It?”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 28, 2021

Two phone calls the same day. Both with the same question: “What if I CAN’T save my marriage?” One had been working at it for awhile. The other hadn’t started (and was trying to decide whether to even start).

It’s a common question that gets asked at 3 different times in the process. Each has a different meaning. All share a fear.

That fear can keep you from taking action, talk you into giving up, or serve to inform you.

This week, I want to take on the question, “What if I can’t save it?”, because not every marriage can be saved. (But NONE are saved without action.)

Don’t let the question trip you up. Understand what’s behind it. And listen to my answer to the question.

Listen below.

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“Can You Fall In Love Again?” – Listener Question

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 21, 2021

As often as possible, I like to answer listener submitted questions (you can submit YOUR question by CLICKING HERE). The reason is because if you have a question, it is very likely that someone else has the same (or very similar) question.

In this episode, I answer Patrick. His question is a concern that when a spouse says they fell out of love, and only feel “friends”-type care, that maybe nothing can be done. Maybe, Patrick wonders, it isn’t possible to get back to love, to return to prior feelings.

Can feelings change? Of course. They already did. Which is why you are in a crisis. At one time, you felt the love. That has shifted, and it can shift again. Our feelings and levels of connection are always fluctuating and shifting.

So, yes feelings of love CAN come back. But why did they leave? And what can you do to help them return?

I cover those questions… homing in on Patrick’s enquiry for this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

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How Do You Argue?: 3 Modes That Fail

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 14, 2021

Do you find yourself stuck in arguments in your marriage that never get anywhere? Or maybe it is just a matter of useless “discussions”?

I was recently reading a book, and the author (Adam Grant) was noting 3 modes of communication that keep us stuck right where we are. They were not just communication patterns, but thought patterns. Grant noted there are 3 roles we easily fall into… and 1 mode that gets you out.

Here is the problem… the 3 roles that don’t work? They are so easy to fall into. In fact, as soon as I read about them, I was quick to see them in people all around me. I noticed how so many people were interacting with me from those 3 roles.

And then, I took a big breath. Because I needed to do a little self-check… a look in the mirror. What role(s) do I fall into? What was MY default?

More importantly, how could I make a shift to a better mode?

Here’s the thing: we argue in the attempt to change the perspective or thoughts of another person… and they are doing the exact same thing. No surprise that there is no change, right? So we already know that the roles we play in arguing don’t work. And yet (me looking in the mirror), it is easy to still slip right back into the same pattern. We continue to do it again. In hopes of a better outcome.

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NMF: “Not MY Fault!”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 7, 2021

The email was pages long, all about the problems in her marriage. Each line was about how her husband had ruined the marriage. She pointed out actions of her husband, and he did make mistakes (no abuse, mind you).

She wanted to know what to do — how to save her marriage — given the fact that it wasn’t her fault. She was clear that she wanted the marriage, but she just didn’t know what to do, after all he had done to damage the relationship.

NMF

She was skidding down the fastest path to failing in her efforts. And she didn’t see how she had anything to do with it.

NMF

When we talked on the phone, I asked a little bit more about the dynamics of the relationship. But I noticed she kept shifting back to “he did…,” “he didn’t….” She could point out his failures and shortcomings.

And then she would return to her question: Given his actions, how could she save her marriage?

NMF

I had no doubt that she really wanted to save her marriage. And I had little doubt that she would be unsuccessful.

Because she had fallen in the NMF trap. Figured it out yet? The NMF trap is “Not My Fault.”

Here is the problem with “Not My Fault”: It leaves you stuck. It does relieve you of blame or fault. But it also tends to rob people of responsibility (Response-Ability).

Let’s talk about why this trap happens and how to avoid it. Listen below.

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Is Your Crisis Hot or Cold?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 31, 2021

Is your marriage crisis marked by heated arguments or cold distance? Hot or cold?

Are they really that different? Or is it all a part of the same process? And how does it affect your attempts to save your marriage?

During back-to-back coaching sessions with two couples, I had a case of each. In the first, both were practically red-faced with anger, talking over each other and refusing to listen.

In the second session, the couple were cold and distant, refusing to engage with each other, routing all discussions through me. Both refused to listen to the other.

The underlying issues were the same. The emotional temperature was different. Each couple had set their “emotional thermostat” to a different level. And neither couple seemed interested in changing the setting.

What is the difference between the heat and the cold? How does it affect your efforts to save your marriage? Is it possible that both the heat and the cold are actually pointing toward the same process? The same path?

We explore the difference between hot and cold crises and what to do to turn it around in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

Listen below.

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3 Barriers and Beyond

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 24, 2021

For some reason, your spouse just can’t see a way forward. You want things to be better… you want to save your marriage. But your spouse can’t (or won’t) see a possibility.

Why?

There are actually 3 real barriers your spouse might be experiencing. They just can’t see a way around any or all of the barriers.

Those 3 barriers are Hurting, Hopeless, and Helpless. Emotional struggles are painful — for all involved! And many times, it just doesn’t seem like there is a way to get help… and that can make you feel helpless. Add those together, and it can seem pretty helpless.

But is it?

Not if you can find a way beyond the 3 barriers.

In my VIP Program, I provide a weekly training, along with tools and coaching, to help people who are ready to make a real shift in their relationship. My System is kind of like the white belt training — knowing what you need to know to deal with a basic situation. VIP is the blue belt, designed for those wanting more effectiveness and efficiency in their efforts.

During one of those trainings awhile back, I addressed those 3 barriers. The training caused such a stir that I wrote a book about it. But those 3 barriers are so important that you need to know about them, too. So, I am doing something I don’t do: I’m giving you access to this VIP training. It IS a bit longer than my typical podcast, as we go deep (and the book goes deeper).

Listen in to learn the 3 barriers, and how to begin to get beyond them.

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Stages of Crisis Awareness

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 17, 2021

In my Save The Marriage System Quick-Start Guide, I show the 8 distinct stages of a marriage crisis. But those are the stages of the crisis. There are also stages to your awareness of the crisis.

This is the point where you are aware of the crisis, the level of the crisis, and the potential threat of the crisis. And just to let you know: you are NOT at stage 1. That would be Asleep. This is the point when you are not even aware that things are in trouble. You are blissfully unaware of — or choosing to not notice — the looming marriage crisis that is already underway.

But then you wake up to find yourself in the midst of a troubled relationship, a hurting marriage!

Your spouse may be further along the process, and your marriage may be further along the progression of the crisis. That is independent of your own awareness of the crisis.

In this episode of the marriage crisis, I discuss the 4 stages of crisis awareness, and the 1 thing you need to do — along with some thoughts on how to/how NOT to do that very thing.

Listen in below.

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The 80/80 Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 10, 2021

“Marriage should be 50/50,” many a well-intentioned couple told me before they got married. I knew they were in trouble. And for all of the best of intentions! They wanted to be equals. Equal responsibility and equal coverage.

Which is exactly what was heading them straight toward the trouble.

Yes, they had the best of intentions. And yes, it is a great ideal to want to equally contribute in the relationship. And yes, that headed them straight for trouble.

Why?

Because they had already signed on to judge each other on fairness. If it was 50-50, both people would surely be watching to make sure their 50% was matched by their spouse’s 50%. And interestingly, the likelihood of both making the same estimate of 50% was 0%.

This is exactly the situation that my guests, Kaley and Nate Klemp, found themselves in. And it started early in their marriage… highlighted by an argument over shoes at the door! But that same struggle threatened their marriage… highlighted by an argument over who should pick up their child from daycare! (These are the same level of arguments that often show the fault lines for many other couples… not big ones, but tiny chips from their foundation that add up to an unstable base.)

But Kaley and Nate decided to do something about it. They decided to do some research. (While this is not a likely response for many couples, the good news is, Nate and Kaley not only interviewed lots of people, they wrote a book about it!) What they discovered is there are three models of marital involvement. One is fairly outdated, and the second is often infected by the first. It is also the pattern that appears fair, 50/50. That one fails for most couples.

And that led to Nate and Kaley presenting a third model. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I sit down to discuss the models with both Nate and Kaley. They tell me about their own struggles, the different models, and how to shift toward a better model.

Their approach has many similarities to my own work, but brings some important facets out for listeners to consider. Learn about the 3 models, and how to make a shift (even with a reluctant spouse) in this episode.

Listen below.

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