why can’t i save my marriage – Page 2 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Are You Hurting Or Helping?

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg February 6, 2019 January 22, 2019

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 6, 2019

You’ve been working on saving your marriage… and you aren’t seeing the traction you want. Or maybe is just isn’t moving as fast as you would like.

Sometimes, it can take more time than you think or want.

But are there times that your efforts are doing more harm than good?

Are there times you are hurting, not helping, your relationship and your chances at saving it?

Yes.

There are common situations I see in my coaching, where someone’s efforts to save a marriage are actually doing more harm than good. Interestingly, people make the same mistakes others have made.

More interestingly, they are easy to see when they are pointed out. And more importantly, they can be corrected, once you can see them.

So, let’s talk about the times when people do more harm than good in their efforts to save a marriage.

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Better or Bitter?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 2, 2019

I often watch people move toward one of two possibilities when a marriage is in trouble: Better or Bitter. One letter difference, but what a difference in destination.

One leads a couple to a rewarding and loving relationship, improving and stabilizing: Better.

The other leads to more anger, more resentment, more distance, and further deterioration: Bitter.

Here is the irony: many times, the person proclaiming a desire to work on the marriage, to get it turned around, is the one holding onto bitterness. And bitterness has a tendency to grow, unless the person chooses to make a shift.

A shift to Better.

Over the years, I have watched people who proclaim a desire to save their marriage. They start taking steps, start connecting, start the healing… and when a spouse begins to turn, the one putting in the work suddenly turns… away. The bitterness gains ground. It eats away at all progress.

And in the process, the couple proves the marriage was “too far gone,” “too hurt,” or “too damaged.” In reality, bitterness set in and disrupted any possibility of healing.

So, there is a choice: Bitter or Better?

Let’s talk about the roots of bitterness and how to let it go. Listen to the podcast below.

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The Fatal Triangle (Don’t Be Sabotaged)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 5, 2018

You want to save your marriage. Maybe you even have a plan put together, ready to go. Or maybe you have even started the process.

This episode of the podcast is cautionary. A warning. But the warning is not about NOT saving your marriage, but the possibility of your efforts falling apart.

It may have nothing to do with your plan.

Nothing to do with your understanding.

Worse yet, nothing to do with your spouse.

It is possible that a trio of dynamics can torpedo and destroy your plans and your efforts. Those dynamics can be fatal to your hopes and dreams. To your possibility of saving your marriage.

And this trio, this “fatal triangle”? They have nothing to do with your spouse or your plans. They emerge from within you. Tripping you up.

Unless you understand them and know how to defeat them.

Don’t let this trio, the Fatal Triangle, defeat you and your efforts!

Listen to the episode for full details

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4 Fears That Halt Your Efforts… And Don’t Need To

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 22, 2018

You’ve decided to save your marriage. You start the process, maybe even make some progress.

Then, BAM! You hit a wall.

A wall of fear. Fears that sabotage your efforts, pull you back from your plan, get you to give up.

But those fears do not have to be the end of your efforts. In fact, those fears need not do anything to your efforts. Fears and actions are not the same. Fears are fears. Whenever we base our actions on fears, we give them too much power.

When you are working on saving a marriage, there are 4 fears that strike many people… and they may just hit you! And then, you have to decide whether the fears stop your efforts or if they are just “background noise.”

Which will they be for you?

Listen to the podcast episode below.

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Top 10 Myths Series

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 25, 2018

There are so many myths out there about marriage, marital therapy, saving your marriage, and divorce. Do you believe any of them? If you do, they may be getting in the way of your efforts to save and improve your marriage.

These myths are so common that YOU may believe them, your spouse may believe them, your friends and family may believe them… even your therapist may believe them.

And that’s trouble!

Learn the myths in the links below, then take action!

Top 10 Myths of Marriage HERE

Top 10 Myths of Marital Therapy HERE

Top 10 Myths of Saving Your Marriage HERE

Top 10 Myths of Divorce HERE

Ready to bust the myths and take action grab my Save The Marriage System HERE

The Danger of the Yo-Yo Method

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 28, 2017

tDo you know about “yo-yo dieting,” where people start a plan and lose weight, drop off the plan and gain it back, only to repeat that over and over?

Did you know that each time that happens, it makes it harder to lose weight the next time? Did you know that this pattern places people at higher risk of other medical issues?

Did you know that many people do the exact same thing in their efforts to save a marriage?

They start working on things, even start making some progress. And then, they stop — for many reasons, but in the end, they stop. And things get worse. So, they start again. It may take a little more effort and a little more time. But things get better. Then they stop. Guess what? Things get worse again.

That is the Yo-Yo Method of saving a marriage.

Don’t Do It!

Listen to this week’s podcast and learn why it happens (and how to stop it).

THEN CLICK HERE AND LET’S SOLVE IT, ONCE AND FOR ALL.

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The Anxiety-Anger Anchor

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 14, 2017

Do you find yourself and/or your spouse anchored to a problem by anxiety or anger? Guess what? Anger and Anxiety — they come from the same space! One is the inner, the other is the outer expression of fear/hurt/threat.

And wow, can it ever anchor both of you to the problems — keeping you from moving to solution.

Why does the Anxiety-Anger become an anchor?

How do you cut the line and get back on-track to healing your marriage?

Listen to today’s podcast to learn more on releasing the Anxiety-Anger Anchor.

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How To Stay In The Game

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 3, 2017

You might feel like “tapping out,” or forfeiting, just giving up and walking away.

It can be frustrating when you are trying to save a marriage, only to get pushback from a spouse. You are working to build the connection, working to improve yourself, and working to make a different relationship. But it feels like two steps forward, three steps back.

How do you “stay in the game?”

Partly, it is mental. But there are also some things you can do to help you shift perspective, keep your patience, and keep on moving forward. Let me share some strategies on how to “Stay in the Game” in this week’s podcast.

Listen below.

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The Created Past And Your Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 5, 2017

Sounds so philosophical, doesn’t it? Your “created past.” What is that?

We all do it. We remember things based on our emotional state, not on what happened. When someone hurts us, we think back on the other times they hurt us. When someone is kind and loving, we think back on the other loving times.

When a couple is connected, they remember connection. When they are disconnected, they remember disconnection.

If you are wondering why your spouse can’t remember the happier times, can’t remember the passion, can’t remember the connection, this is it. The memories are being selected and created based on the current pain and disconnection.

Let’s talk more about this in the podcast below:

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How To Deal With Negativity

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 15, 2017

It happens. In the middle of a marriage crisis, you can find yourself surrounded by negativity. A spouse negative about the marriage. Friends and family negative about your efforts to save your marriage. You negative, well, about everything you are doing (it is easy to slip into self-blame and self-doubt).

Negativity comes from several sources: fear, protectiveness, anger, resentment, lack of understanding, and lack of clarity.

Regardless of the source, you may find yourself reacting poorly — negatively impacting your capacity to save and improve your marriage.

Is there another alternative?

You bet there is!

I would suggest four ways to respond that can change the outcome. Listen to the podcast for the four ways you can respond differently to the negativity, making sure that you don’t catch it yourself. Listen below.

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