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Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

The Last Thing You May Be Feeling…
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Happy Thanksgiving!This may be the last thing you are feeling… but it should be first!

What is it?  Gratitude.  Appreciation.  Thankfulness.

Here we are, staring right down the barrel at Thanksgiving (if you are in the States).  And if you are caught in a marriage crisis, you may not be “feeling it.”

But as I often tell people who ask me if I am ready for some Holiday, “It doesn’t matter, it’s coming, anyway!”

Maybe you aren’t feeling it.  Just the same, Thanksgiving is here.  Mixed feelings or not, the day comes.

That day we set aside for being thankful, feeling it or not.  Wanting it or not.

And yet, the day commemorates the day when those Pilgrims, having trekked to the new world, had faced down grim circumstances.  They weathered it (literally), and many didn’t make it.  Nor were they out of the woods, yet!  Another winter was quickly approaching.

Which is why they found it important to stop and be thankful.  Not pretending that there was no struggle, but seeing that there was more to life than just the struggle.  There was also much for which they could be grateful.

The same is true for us.

So, here are some resources to help you make an important shift, both for your sake and for the sake of your marriage.

Gratitude In The Midst Of Crisis

How Gratitude Can Transform Your Marriage

What Thriving People Know About Gratitude And Appreciation

2 Targets To Thrive

Avoiding The Blow-Up
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Avoiding The Blow Up.Slowly, slowly… you are making progress!  You keep working on turning your marriage around… and it is working!

Maybe you think it isn’t moving fast enough.  Or maybe you have just been holding all of those emotions, fears, and hurts, in… and they start to grow.  You can feel it!

But you try hard not to let it out.  To keep on moving forward.  To keep on making connections.

Until…

Maybe it was something small…

Maybe it was yet one more little thing (or even a medium thing… maybe even a big thing!)…

And BOOM!  You blow up!

You use a tone you wish you hadn’t.  You say things you wish you hadn’t.  You do things you wish you hadn’t.

BLOW UP!

… and then it passes.

But the damage is done.

Your efforts can feel like they have been in vain.

So, let’s talk about what to do BEFORE the blow-up!  It is much easier to stay ahead of the problem than to catch up and rebuild after the problem.

Listen to this week’s podcast episode below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Too Late?
Making Up For Mistakes And Backslides
Responsibility
Showing Up
Save The Marriage System

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When Is It Too Toxic?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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When is a marriage too toxic to save?You probably know that I’m on the side of your marriage.  I’m all about saving a marriage.

But does that mean that EVERY marriage will be saved, or even should be saved?

No.

First, there are times when BOTH people want to leave the marriage.  At that point, there is nothing that WILL save the marriage.  There has to be energy from AT LEAST one person, in order for anything to change.

Second, there are times when the toxicity level is high, creating a toxic situation for the spouses.  In fact, there are 3 times when it MAY be too toxic.  And there is 1 time when it absolutely too toxic to work on the marriage.

Let me tell you 5 symptoms of elevated toxicity, 3 times you may need to step back, and 1 time you definitely need to step back from the marriage.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Domestic Violence Help
Anger & Resentment
Coping
Issues And Marriages
Save The Marriage System

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The 4th C
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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The 4th C of Saving Your Marriage... Why 3 C's is not enough!Over the years, I developed some direct and simple ways to save your marriage (simple is not the same as easy — it still takes effort!).  One piece of my approach was what I called “The 3  C’s” — being Calm, Constant, and Consistent.

These “3 C’s” aren’t really about what you do, but how you do it… how you carry out your plan (something I discuss in my System and share with my VIP members in a “fill-in-the-blank plan”).

Over the years, those 3 C’s have been a mantra for my clients… the reminder that keeps them moving in helpful ways when panic is pulling at them.  This mantra keeps the process moving in productive ways, creating profound changes in the relationship.

Many times, those 3 C’s are the difference between a plan working and failing, between successfully saving a marriage and failure.

Last week, one of the members of my VIP group noted that she needed to add a 4th C.  And then, she pointed out what should have been obvious… there IS a 4th C!  And it is something I have discussed before… but failed to include as an important (and daily) C in the process.

That 4th C?  Courage.

In this week’s podcast episode, I cover the first 3 C’s, then tell you how that 4th C fits into your efforts.  Here’s how you work your plan… be sure and listen in!

RELATED RESOURCES:
3 C’s
3 Steps
Your Plan
Marriage Fail Point book
Save The Marriage System

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Don’t Let Emotions Choose…
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Don't let your emotions determine the outcome of your marriage.It’s a false belief in our culture that we need to “trust our gut” and “follow our emotions.”  Emotions change.  Feelings shift.  And we can’t even say what our emotions are, much of the time.

Sure, you can feel an emotion.  But tell me what it is?  What it means?  Why it is there right now… and might be gone in 5 minutes?  Or tomorrow?

Let’s be clear:  a hurting marriage is painful.  Conflict is tough.  Not connecting with someone close to you is frustrating.  But does that mean that it is time to give up and walk away?  What if your emotions are all over the place, making you feel like you need to give up and walk away.

Is that a reason to give up?

Notice:  “feel like” is seen as a “reason.”

Many people tell me they just need to “follow their emotions.”  I remind them that there is a group of people who do this… children — around 3 years old!  Because they think that the emotion is truth.  They are angry, so they throw a fit.  5 minutes later, the anger is gone, so they are happy to play.  Until the next upheaval.

Part of maturity is recognizing that emotions are temporal.  And we don’t have to react to an emotion.  We can choose our response.

Especially around things like marriage.  Important things.

Listen to this podcast episode to learn more.

RELATED RESOURCES
Anxiety-Anger Anchor
“Why Does It Hurt So Much?”
Addicted To Blame
Expressive Or Avoidant
3 Relationship Killers
The Save The Marriage System

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Coaches’ Corner
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It has been my great pride and pleasure to have some great coaches on my team.  My team of Relationship Coaches were already amazing coaches when I met each of them.  Along with their own skills, I added in my approach and techniques.

Now, they offer world-class coaching to clients around the world.

But more than that, each one has a story and an approach… unique to each of them.  Their well of wisdom is deep.

Over a number of weeks, I interviewed each one, to introduce you to them, and to let you benefit from their wisdom.  I put all of these episodes together for you, so that you can get all of their wisdom in one spot.

Click the links below to access each episode, an interview with a coach.

Debbie Rivera:  Return To Love

Nina Potter:  Shift From Control

Annette Carpien:  Uncovering Hope

Laurie Johnson:  Staying the Course

Terri Hase:  We Change When We Change

Dave Crispin:  Growing After Loss

Paula Martin:  Making the Mosaic

The Myth That Murders Marriages
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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The myth that murders marriages: you are responsible for your spouse's happiness... and your spouse is responsible for your happiness.There are lots of myths about marriage.  But there is one myth that comes up over and over.  In fact, the trap for this myth is set at the very early stages of every relationship.

The question is whether you step into the trap or not.  Will the myth trip you up and start the deterioration of your marriage?  Or a better question:  has it already damaged your marriage?

How is the trap set?

Think back to the beginning of your relationship.  The early days.  When you were so happy to have found that “one.”  Remember how giddy it felt to hear from that special person?  How happy you were to see each other?  How much better life seemed?  It was intoxicating.

And plays directly into this myth.

This myth is all about marriage and happiness… and the role of a spouse.

Listen to this week’s podcast to understand this myth… and why it is so dangerous!

RELATED RESOURCES:
The Goal Of Marriage
Being A WE
Other Myths of Marriage
“I’m Not Happy”
Save The Marriage System

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My Method and Why It Works
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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My method of saving your marriage. What it is and why it works.When a marriage is in trouble, the first place many people turn to is the internet.  Where most people discover quite a plethora of information.

But what to trust?  What to do?

Remember that even Google says they are a “search engine, not a truth engine.”  In other words, they just give you search results.  Not an evaluation of the results.

So, some people just dive right in, grabbing information on top of information, believing that if it has to do with “saving a marriage,” it must all fit together.

This is patently false.  And it leads to trouble.

Some advice is very manipulative.  Some is simply misguided.  Lots is based on anecdotal evidence — the author somehow saved his or her marriage and thinks it applies across the board (it rarely does).

How do you pick through the advice and information?

I do my best to be transparent on what I teach.  I rely on 3 decades of experience as a coach and therapist, 30 years in my own marriage, and lots of research.

And I will tell you exactly what I teach… along with why I teach it.  Then, you can make your own decision on what path to follow.

Listen to this week’s podcast episode for what I suggest and why I suggest it.

RELATED RESOURCES:
“I Saved My Marriage”
Reverse Psychology Trap
No Contact is Crap
Save The Marriage System

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What Happy Couples Do Differently – Series
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Every marriage has problems.  Every single one.

But about 50% figure out a way to stay together, even when there are problems.

And then there are those happy couples.  The ones who have it dialed in, figured out, and are happy.

Here’s the thing:  success always leaves a trail.  If you want to move to that place, to have a marriage that is happy and rewarding, you can learn for those that made it.

In the What Happy Couples Do Differently series, I discuss 11 things that happy couples know and do differently.

Listen to the episodes below to follow the trail to a happy marriage:

What Happy Couples Do Differently About Conflict

What Happy Couples Do Differently About Connection

What Happy Couples Do Differently About Companionship

If you are ready to make a shift and become a happy couple, too, it is time to grab my Save The Marriage System.  Discover what happened, how to shift, and how to build a marriage you BOTH will treasure and protect.  Become a Happy Couple!

CLICK HERE TO GRAB THE SAVE THE MARRIAGE SYSTEM

The Survival Series
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Surviving the crisis in your marriage, including separation, infidelity, disconnection, and other issues.Sometimes, it is all you can do to survive, to hang on.

But here is something I have taken to heart from my jiu jitsu training:  If you are not losing, you are winning! (Thanks to the Gracie brothers for pointing that out!)  In other words, for many things in life, if it doesn’t take you down, you can keep on going.

You just need to know HOW to survive, HOW to get through.  With the least amount of damage and the most potential for positive outcome.

Which is the roots behind my Survival Series.  In this series of 9 episodes, I cover many of the common scenarios in a troubled marriage.  The aim:  minimize damage.  The secondary goal:  move toward a better place.

Click the links below to access each of the trainings.

Surviving Separation

Surviving Infidelity

Surviving Conflict

Surviving The Golden Hour

Surviving Mistakes and Backslides

Surviving Empty Nest/Mid Life Crisis

Surviving Disconnection