Save Your Marriage Podcast – Page 27 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

When Is It Too Toxic?

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg November 7, 2018 November 8, 2018

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 7, 2018

You probably know that I’m on the side of your marriage. I’m all about saving a marriage.

But does that mean that EVERY marriage will be saved, or even should be saved?

No.

First, there are times when BOTH people want to leave the marriage. At that point, there is nothing that WILL save the marriage. There has to be energy from AT LEAST one person, in order for anything to change.

Second, there are times when the toxicity level is high, creating a toxic situation for the spouses. In fact, there are 3 times when it MAY be too toxic. And there is 1 time when it absolutely too toxic to work on the marriage.

Let me tell you 5 symptoms of elevated toxicity, 3 times you may need to step back, and 1 time you definitely need to step back from the marriage.

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The 4th C

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 31, 2018

Over the years, I developed some direct and simple ways to save your marriage (simple is not the same as easy — it still takes effort!). One piece of my approach was what I called “The 3 C’s” — being Calm, Constant, and Consistent.

These “3 C’s” aren’t really about what you do, but how you do it… how you carry out your plan (something I discuss in my System and share with my VIP members in a “fill-in-the-blank plan”).

Over the years, those 3 C’s have been a mantra for my clients… the reminder that keeps them moving in helpful ways when panic is pulling at them. This mantra keeps the process moving in productive ways, creating profound changes in the relationship.

Many times, those 3 C’s are the difference between a plan working and failing, between successfully saving a marriage and failure.

Last week, one of the members of my VIP group noted that she needed to add a 4th C. And then, she pointed out what should have been obvious… there IS a 4th C! And it is something I have discussed before… but failed to include as an important (and daily) C in the process.

That 4th C? Courage.

In this week’s podcast episode, I cover the first 3 C’s, then tell you how that 4th C fits into your efforts. Here’s how you work your plan… be sure and listen in!

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Don’t Let Emotions Choose…

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 24, 2018

It’s a false belief in our culture that we need to “trust our gut” and “follow our emotions.” Emotions change. Feelings shift. And we can’t even say what our emotions are, much of the time.

Sure, you can feel an emotion. But tell me what it is? What it means? Why it is there right now… and might be gone in 5 minutes? Or tomorrow?

Let’s be clear: a hurting marriage is painful. Conflict is tough. Not connecting with someone close to you is frustrating. But does that mean that it is time to give up and walk away? What if your emotions are all over the place, making you feel like you need to give up and walk away.

Is that a reason to give up?

Notice: “feel like” is seen as a “reason.”

Many people tell me they just need to “follow their emotions.” I remind them that there is a group of people who do this… children — around 3 years old! Because they think that the emotion is truth. They are angry, so they throw a fit. 5 minutes later, the anger is gone, so they are happy to play. Until the next upheaval.

Part of maturity is recognizing that emotions are temporal. And we don’t have to react to an emotion. We can choose our response.

Especially around things like marriage. Important things.

Listen to this podcast episode to learn more.

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The Myth That Murders Marriages

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 10, 2018

There are lots of myths about marriage. But there is one myth that comes up over and over. In fact, the trap for this myth is set at the very early stages of every relationship.

The question is whether you step into the trap or not. Will the myth trip you up and start the deterioration of your marriage? Or a better question: has it already damaged your marriage?

How is the trap set?

Think back to the beginning of your relationship. The early days. When you were so happy to have found that “one.” Remember how giddy it felt to hear from that special person? How happy you were to see each other? How much better life seemed? It was intoxicating.

And plays directly into this myth.

This myth is all about marriage and happiness… and the role of a spouse.

Listen to this week’s podcast to understand this myth… and why it is so dangerous!

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My Method and Why It Works

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 3, 2018

When a marriage is in trouble, the first place many people turn to is the internet. Where most people discover quite a plethora of information.

But what to trust? What to do?

Remember that even Google says they are a “search engine, not a truth engine.” In other words, they just give you search results. Not an evaluation of the results.

So, some people just dive right in, grabbing information on top of information, believing that if it has to do with “saving a marriage,” it must all fit together.

This is patently false. And it leads to trouble.

Some advice is very manipulative. Some is simply misguided. Lots is based on anecdotal evidence — the author somehow saved his or her marriage and thinks it applies across the board (it rarely does).

How do you pick through the advice and information?

I do my best to be transparent on what I teach. I rely on 3 decades of experience as a coach and therapist, 30 years in my own marriage, and lots of research.

And I will tell you exactly what I teach… along with why I teach it. Then, you can make your own decision on what path to follow.

Listen to this week’s podcast episode for what I suggest and why I suggest it.

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What Happy Couples Do Differently – Series

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 26, 2018

Every marriage has problems. Every single one.

But about 50% figure out a way to stay together, even when there are problems.

And then there are those happy couples. The ones who have it dialed in, figured out, and are happy.

Here’s the thing: success always leaves a trail. If you want to move to that place, to have a marriage that is happy and rewarding, you can learn for those that made it.

In the What Happy Couples Do Differently series, I discuss 11 things that happy couples know and do differently.

Listen to the episodes below to follow the trail to a happy marriage:

What Happy Couples Do Differently About Conflict

What Happy Couples Do Differently About Connection

What Happy Couples Do Differently About Companionship

If you are ready to make a shift and become a happy couple, too, it is time to grab my Save The Marriage System. Discover what happened, how to shift, and how to build a marriage you BOTH will treasure and protect. Become a Happy Couple!

CLICK HERE TO GRAB THE SAVE THE MARRIAGE SYSTEM

Relationship Fears and Insecurities

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 12, 2018

Fears. They can certainly derail us humans!

A few episodes ago, I noted some fears that can sabotage your efforts to save your marriage.

But what about relationship fears? Just those basic fears and insecurities that we all carry with us in relationships?

Yep, we all have them. 2 basic fears. And those 2 fears? They pull against each other. One can trigger the other in couples. We all have both, but tend to have a tendency to one fear or the other. And when that fear is triggered, it often triggers the opposite fear in a spouse.

Which, by the way, increases the fear in the other.

Those two fears?

Fear of Intimacy
Fear of Abandonment

Let’s talk about what those fears are about, why we have them, what triggers them, and why it becomes such an issue in marriage.

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Building Your Support Team

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 5, 2018

Support. We all need it. But we need the right kind of support.

If you are in the midst of a marriage crisis, you might feel all alone, just you against the world (and your spouse). Well, you aren’t against your spouse. And the world is not against you.

It can feel that way, though.

Which is why you need to find your support team.

In the last episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discussed 5 ways to deal with the emotional crisis of a marriage crisis. And one way was through support — at which point I realized I had not previously discussed how to get support.

So, we cover that today.

I suggest you have 3 layers to your support. So, I discuss the 3 layers and how to manage each layer. Listen below for how to build your support team.

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5 Ways To Manage Your Emotions (in the midst of the crisis)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 29, 2018

It can be an emotional storm in the middle of a marriage crisis. Sometimes, it seems that every little thing blows up into big things… almost without control.

A marriage crisis is one of the bigger life stressors. If you are dealing with that, you are already emotionally “tapped out.” Which means it might not take much for you to boil over…

And undo any progress you have been making.

I have frequently been told that “I just can’t control my emotions.” And in reality, the challenge is not controlling, but managing, your emotions.

In this podcast episode, I outline 5 ways for you to manage your emotions in the midst of a marriage crisis.

Is it hard? It can be a challenge. But it is do-able.

You can do it! Let’s talk about how!

(Listen Below!)

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4 Fears That Halt Your Efforts… And Don’t Need To

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 22, 2018

You’ve decided to save your marriage. You start the process, maybe even make some progress.

Then, BAM! You hit a wall.

A wall of fear. Fears that sabotage your efforts, pull you back from your plan, get you to give up.

But those fears do not have to be the end of your efforts. In fact, those fears need not do anything to your efforts. Fears and actions are not the same. Fears are fears. Whenever we base our actions on fears, we give them too much power.

When you are working on saving a marriage, there are 4 fears that strike many people… and they may just hit you! And then, you have to decide whether the fears stop your efforts or if they are just “background noise.”

Which will they be for you?

Listen to the podcast episode below.

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