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3 Secrets Of People Who Save Their Marriage (And YOU Need To Know)

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg April 26, 2017 April 6, 2017

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 26, 2017

aI have watched from the sidelines as people work to save their marriage. And it strikes me that there are three secrets people who save their marriage learn and master. If you don’t know these secrets, you need to.

What are those 3 secrets?

They know the difference between Symptoms and Cause.
They know their spouse is not the enemy. (You may think you know this, too. But you may be acting the opposite.)
They know they need a plan. (Not just a thought, or an idea, but a plan.)

If you don’t know these secrets, you need to learn them. Listen to this week’s podcast below to learn the secrets.

HERE ARE SOME ADDITIONAL RESOURCES:
It’s About WE
Spouse As Enemy
You Need A Plan
Get The System

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Don’t Try To “Make,” “Get,” or “Cause” Your Spouse To. . .

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 19, 2017

The conversation starts innocently enough. Someone wants help saving a marriage. They tell me about the disconnection haunting the relationship. They tell me about the hurts and struggles. They tell me they are desperate to turn things around.

And then they say it. “How do I get my spouse to. . .” “How do I make my spouse to. . . ” “How do I cause my spouse to. . . .”

They say these things in innocence, really wanting to get things to a better place. They want to make the marriage work. They hope to cause a shift in the relationship. But they are aiming it at their spouse.

Herein lies the problem. It is about somehow getting, making, or causing a spouse to make a shift — maybe only as far as getting a spouse to think the marriage could be saved.

Innocent.

And doomed for failure.

Why?

Because just behind all three words lurks the same thing: manipulation or coercion. And usually with a spouse who is on the defensive, already suspicious and on guard.

And even if they are not, who wants to be manipulated or coerced? Even if it is in a good direction?

Don’t fall into this trap. Listen to the podcast below.

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“I Love You, But I’m NOT IN Love”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 12, 2017

That one phrase has sent more marriages into a downward spiral than any other: “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you.”

What does that even mean?

Notice that the phrase is uttered BECAUSE things are not where they need to be.

But there is a fork in the road here. IF you know what this is about, it can be an opportunity to rebuild, to find a better path to a better marriage.

But if you don’t know what this is about, and what to do about it, your next actions can accelerate the downward spiral. It can rapidly go from “love you, but not in love,” to “I want a divorce.” It just doesn’t have to.

In this week’s podcast, I let you in on what this phrase REALLY means, and what to do about it.

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The Created Past And Your Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 5, 2017

Sounds so philosophical, doesn’t it? Your “created past.” What is that?

We all do it. We remember things based on our emotional state, not on what happened. When someone hurts us, we think back on the other times they hurt us. When someone is kind and loving, we think back on the other loving times.

When a couple is connected, they remember connection. When they are disconnected, they remember disconnection.

If you are wondering why your spouse can’t remember the happier times, can’t remember the passion, can’t remember the connection, this is it. The memories are being selected and created based on the current pain and disconnection.

Let’s talk more about this in the podcast below:

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Two Modes Killing Your Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 29, 2017

Over and over, I see the same two “modes” killing marriages — all without intention or maliciousness.

The hurt and pain often lead to anger and resentment down the road. But it simply starts in innocence. Most people don’t even know they are operating in these modes.

You may be making this mistake (or have made this mistake) and dropped into one or both modes.

The first mode is “Pause-Mode,” thinking that you can hit pause while life moves forward. Parenting and career often are reasons to hit the pause button. But there is no Pause Button in marriage.

The second mode is “Me-Mode.” In marriage, you are building a WE. But if you don’t know that, and don’t know what that is, you are likely to get caught in Me-Mode, to the detriment of the marriage.

Both modes develop innocently. And either mode is capable of taking down a marriage. Don’t fall prey to these two modes.

Listen to this week’s podcast for more help.

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Why Protecting Yourself Won’t

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 22, 2017

Whenever I get the same questions over and over, I decide it is time to do a podcast. And this came up just a couple of days ago. The person on the other end of the phone call said, “Why should I even try? If I don’t save my marriage, it will just hurt more when I fail.”

The question that repeats is, “Why work on this when there is a chance it just can’t be saved?”

For this very reason, many people never even try to save a hurting marriage. Ironically, by not taking any action, they are almost guaranteed to lose the marriage. . . and feel hurt — what they said they were somehow avoiding.

Human nature is to avoid immediate pain — even at the expense of greater pain down the road. We tend to do some “anticipatory hurting,” imagining the pain we might feel later. And so, we avoid a course that takes us to that feared hurting.

The only problem is, this often causes suffering almost immediately.

I asked my caller a quick question, “Okay, if you don’t work to save your marriage, what will happen to your marriage.” She paused. Then she admitted, “It will definitely fail.”

“In other words,” I commented, “if you do nothing, you will lose the marriage and be in pain. If you work on it, you MAY be hurting if it doesn’t work. But you MIGHT recover your marriage.”

My caller is now a client of mine, hard at work, saving her marriage.

Don’t protect yourself in a way that guarantees the hurt. Why not give it a shot?

(Listen below for more understanding of why we do this. And if you are ready to work on your marriage, grab my Save The Marriage System HERE.)

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How To Deal With Negativity

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 15, 2017

It happens. In the middle of a marriage crisis, you can find yourself surrounded by negativity. A spouse negative about the marriage. Friends and family negative about your efforts to save your marriage. You negative, well, about everything you are doing (it is easy to slip into self-blame and self-doubt).

Negativity comes from several sources: fear, protectiveness, anger, resentment, lack of understanding, and lack of clarity.

Regardless of the source, you may find yourself reacting poorly — negatively impacting your capacity to save and improve your marriage.

Is there another alternative?

You bet there is!

I would suggest four ways to respond that can change the outcome. Listen to the podcast for the four ways you can respond differently to the negativity, making sure that you don’t catch it yourself. Listen below.

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Healing Your Spouse’s Resentments

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 8, 2017

In last week’s podcast, I discussed healing your own resentments. This week, we turn to dealing with your spouse’s resentments. Let’s be clear: really, this is about helping your spouse to heal resentments. You can’t actually do the healing. You can only help.

Once you address your own resentments, you know part of the secret: resentment comes from anger, unresolved. Anger comes from hurt, unresolved and unaddressed. Which leads us back to helping your spouse find healing — tracking back to anger, but really back to hurt.

If you want to reconnect, start with dealing with resentments. Otherwise, the hurt/anger/resentment continues to poison the relationship. It is the systemic infection that keeps the marriage hurting.

Ready to do what you can to deal with your spouse’s resentments? Listen below. . .

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Healing Your Resentments

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 1, 2017

Resentments are the deep infections of anger. When anger is unresolved, it becomes a systemic poison. But do remember that anger is really a result of hurt and fear/threat. It just comes out as anger.

When the hurt goes unaddressed and the anger festers, it becomes resentment. Resentment then spreads into more and more areas of relating. It pulls the relationship down, weakening the connection and destroying good feelings.

Your spouse may have lots of resentment toward you. We will be covering that next week. But we always start with ourselves. What about YOUR resentments? How do you heal YOUR resentments?

If you don’t start there, you won’t be effective in addressing your spouse’s resentments.

Join me for this week’s podcast, as we discuss healing your resentments. . .

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Action versus Distraction

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 22, 2017

A while back, I was talking with someone who was struggling with his marriage. I made a couple of suggestions. He pushed back. He said, “It’s not like I’m not doing anything!”

“Great,” I said, “Tell me what you are doing.”

“I’ve read some articles and stuff. I did some research. . . ”

He continued on for a few minutes. But I quickly realized my friend had made a crucial mistake. He had confused distraction with action. He was worried about his marriage, sure. But he was distracted. His distraction was confused with action.

Nothing was happening.

When we talked again, a few months later, his wife had left. He told me he “did everything he could.”

I asked what that was. I suspected. I was right. He spent the time in distraction. In the end, there was no action.

Are you making the same mistake?

I discuss the distractions — and the actions — in this week’s podcast.

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