save the marriage – Page 4 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

How Do You Argue?: 3 Modes That Fail

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg April 14, 2021 April 14, 2021

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 14, 2021

Do you find yourself stuck in arguments in your marriage that never get anywhere? Or maybe it is just a matter of useless “discussions”?

I was recently reading a book, and the author (Adam Grant) was noting 3 modes of communication that keep us stuck right where we are. They were not just communication patterns, but thought patterns. Grant noted there are 3 roles we easily fall into… and 1 mode that gets you out.

Here is the problem… the 3 roles that don’t work? They are so easy to fall into. In fact, as soon as I read about them, I was quick to see them in people all around me. I noticed how so many people were interacting with me from those 3 roles.

And then, I took a big breath. Because I needed to do a little self-check… a look in the mirror. What role(s) do I fall into? What was MY default?

More importantly, how could I make a shift to a better mode?

Here’s the thing: we argue in the attempt to change the perspective or thoughts of another person… and they are doing the exact same thing. No surprise that there is no change, right? So we already know that the roles we play in arguing don’t work. And yet (me looking in the mirror), it is easy to still slip right back into the same pattern. We continue to do it again. In hopes of a better outcome.

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The 80/80 Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 10, 2021

“Marriage should be 50/50,” many a well-intentioned couple told me before they got married. I knew they were in trouble. And for all of the best of intentions! They wanted to be equals. Equal responsibility and equal coverage.

Which is exactly what was heading them straight toward the trouble.

Yes, they had the best of intentions. And yes, it is a great ideal to want to equally contribute in the relationship. And yes, that headed them straight for trouble.

Why?

Because they had already signed on to judge each other on fairness. If it was 50-50, both people would surely be watching to make sure their 50% was matched by their spouse’s 50%. And interestingly, the likelihood of both making the same estimate of 50% was 0%.

This is exactly the situation that my guests, Kaley and Nate Klemp, found themselves in. And it started early in their marriage… highlighted by an argument over shoes at the door! But that same struggle threatened their marriage… highlighted by an argument over who should pick up their child from daycare! (These are the same level of arguments that often show the fault lines for many other couples… not big ones, but tiny chips from their foundation that add up to an unstable base.)

But Kaley and Nate decided to do something about it. They decided to do some research. (While this is not a likely response for many couples, the good news is, Nate and Kaley not only interviewed lots of people, they wrote a book about it!) What they discovered is there are three models of marital involvement. One is fairly outdated, and the second is often infected by the first. It is also the pattern that appears fair, 50/50. That one fails for most couples.

And that led to Nate and Kaley presenting a third model. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I sit down to discuss the models with both Nate and Kaley. They tell me about their own struggles, the different models, and how to shift toward a better model.

Their approach has many similarities to my own work, but brings some important facets out for listeners to consider. Learn about the 3 models, and how to make a shift (even with a reluctant spouse) in this episode.

Listen below.

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Why Your Spouse Doesn’t Believe You Can Change

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 17, 2021

You’ve been working hard to reconnect and change yourself. You’re proud of your efforts. But your spouse just isn’t buying.

For whatever reason, your spouse just does not trust the changes — or maybe doesn’t even see the changes!

Do you feel like you are hitting a brick wall? Like nothing you are doing is making a difference? Like your spouse has already judged you and won’t allow themselves to see something different?

In this episode, I will be discussing several reasons why your spouse isn’t willing or able to see a change. Included are the times your spouse might acknowledge that there has been a change, but doesn’t trust that the change will last.

Does that describe your situation? If so, please listen. I also discuss how to shift this dynamic in your favor.

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Therapy or Bust!

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 10, 2021

We had been talking for at least half an hour. I was discussing some thoughts about her marriage problems as she was trying to figure out what to do. I noted where the problems started and how she might start repairing.

Fact is, that is why people are on my website, listen to my podcast, grab my System, or seek me out. They want a loving, connected relationship and right now, it has problems they can’t quite solve. But they know something has to change, or they are headed for deeper problems and even divorce. So, I work hard to show a way forward.

I was pretty open with my concerns about therapy with this caller. She had heard my podcasts on the subject and knew I had major reservations. (Statistics are pretty clear on this topic.)

Which is why I was a bit surprised when she asked, “So, could you recommend a therapist?”

Okay, admittedly, I was not overly surprised. I get the same request on a regular basis. That, in spite of my clear discussions about marriage therapy issues, problems, and limitations. (And yes, I was trained as a marriage therapist. Yes, I have lots of therapist friends. Yes, I am even married to one. And yes, I still have concerns.)

I guess I was more surprised because we had, even just five minutes earlier, discussed my concerns. Yet, here we were. Looking for a therapist.

“Therapist or Bust,” it would seem!

Did I recommend a therapist? Nope. Because I don’t do that. For several reasons. I discuss my concerns and reasons on this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. I look at why we default to a method that has pretty poor outcome results. I look at some basic problems with the therapy approach, and discuss when therapy does make sense. Avoid the traps and you are well ahead of the game!

Listen in below.

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Knocked Down, Back Up

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 3, 2021

You started working on saving your marriage. Good for you!

And then, you hit a bump. You get knocked down. Maybe you discovered an affair, physical or emotional. Maybe your spouse is irritable and upset. Maybe it is anger and resentment, yours or your spouse’s.

And it knocks you down.

Enough that you think it is over. That you are at the end.

But are you? Or do you need to get back up?

In most things in life, we think the process is (or should be) smooth. I fall for that myth all the time. I think a project is going to be easy and straightforward. Only to find a complication and difficulty at every turn.

And guess what? The same is true in your efforts to save your marriage.

We talk about how you might get knocked down… and how to get up again, in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

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“I Want to Save My Marriage” Q & A

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 20, 2021

In previous podcast episodes, I have answered questions submitted by listeners. In fact, I still do. You can email your questions by clicking here. But since this podcast goes to listeners around the world, submitted questions need to be a) applicable to others, and b) not so broad that it is impossible to answer in a simple episode.

But then, there are the short questions. Both in the question and the needed response. So, in this episode, I round up the short questions, so I can address them all.

All of them, though, started with this:
“I want to save my marriage!”

Most of the questions demonstrated the beginning point of learning… not even knowing the question to ask, but knowing what you want. The senders knew they wanted to save their marriage, but weren’t sure even where to start and what to ask.

But here is the important thing: the questions still apply to you, whether you are at the same point or further along. Listen in to hear my response to questions like where to start, what about some tricks/hints, what to do if a spouse isn’t interested, what a plan might look like, how long this process might help, and what to do now.

Listen below.

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From Apology to Reconciling

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 13, 2021

You have already journeyed to here. Maybe your relationship is hurting and in pain. Maybe your connection has gone cold. But however you got here, whatever the path, you want to get somewhere different.

Somewhere better.

It may seem cliche, but it is a journey. And this last part of the journey, it has some stops along the way.

Many times, people think (and want) it to be a linear path, stopping along the way, but arriving at the end, reconciled and in love.

Those four big stops?

Apology
Forgiving
Trusting
Reconciling

Many assume that one follows the other, just points along the road. But it is more like a subway system that might arrive at one station, having never paused at another. You may pass one or more, or even arrive at each one, seemingly out of order.

In reality, each of those four stops are distinct and separate. They can happen separate from, or even without, the other stops.

Let’s talk about these four stops in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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Caught In A Triangle

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 16, 2020

Basic geometry, right? The triangle? Just three points and three lines connecting. Simple. A building block for geometric shapes of all kinds.

And yet, in the context of relationships… it is detrimental. Not a building block at all. In fact, it undermines relationships.

Yet, we find ourselves caught in triangles all the time. Or more accurately, we are caught in triangles all the time. We may not find ourselves, though, unless we know what to look for.

During the last couple of weeks, I have been providing some deep training for my Virtual Intensive Program members about the Dysfunctional Triangle, the roles involved, how it works, why it is so destructive, and how to escape.

That information is just too deep and in-depth to provide in a podcast. But I did want to give you the basic concept of a triangle, so you can identify it.

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Rewriting the Past

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 2, 2020

Sounds so philosophical, doesn’t it? Your “created past.” What is that?

We all do it. We remember things based on our emotional state, not on what happened. When someone hurts us, we think back on the other times they hurt us. When someone is kind and loving, we think back on the other loving times.

When a couple is connected, they remember connection. When they are disconnected, they remember disconnection.

We rewrite the past, based on the present situation. Usually, we just think about how the past led to the present. But where we are forms what we think about where we have been.

If you are wondering why your spouse can’t remember the happier times, can’t remember the passion, can’t remember the connection, this is it. The memories are being selected and created based on the current pain and disconnection.

Let’s talk more about this in the podcast below:

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Marriage Lie #5: Your Spouse Should Make You Happy

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 25, 2020

You were probably very happy when you got married. You believed the happiness would always be there. And now, your spouse is saying, “I’m not happy.” Embedded in that seems to be some idea that you are the cause of it. That you failed at keeping your spouse happy.

No surprise. Many people fall for this lie. They don’t know it is a lie. They believe it. That a spouse should make you happy.

Somehow, it is in the job description for a spouse. They should make you happy.

There is only one (little) problem with this… it is impossible!

You can’t make your spouse happy. And your spouse can’t make you happy.

Sure, you can certainly make each other miserable. But happy? Nope. Not possible.

Even if you thought you made each other happy before. Sure, you may have been happy. And your relationship may have seemed to be a source of joy. But your spouse couldn’t and didn’t make you happy (nor could/did you make your spouse happy).

It is an impossibility. But it is one of the major lies people believe about marriage.

Which is why people are in trouble when they realize that a spouse is not making them happy. Instead of seeing it for what it is… a lie… they think it is a failure of the spouse — even of the marriage! Proof that the marriage is headed for failure.

Except, it was all a lie. Not the marriage! The belief that a spouse would make you happy (and vice versa).

Don’t believe the lie! Learn the truth in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

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