Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. – Page 32 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Certainty Versus Variety In Marriage

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By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 31, 2018

“But I haven’t change!,” he told me. His wife said he had. He claimed he hadn’t.

“Too bad,” I said, “you need to change! If you haven’t, you are already in trouble.”

He wanted to be the same ol’ guy she married. But he wasn’t. And if he was, that would not be a good thing.

Tony Robbins reminds us (I introduced this in my Thriveology Podcast earlier) that we have that certainty as a core human need. My friend was proclaiming his “certainty,” his predictability, in his NOT changing.

But the matching drive is for variety — of needing something different and novel.

We have BOTH needs. As I noted in that other podcast, it’s not about living in the middle, with neither variety nor sameness. It is about balancing variety and certainty. Of having places that are predictable and places that are novel in your life.

Marriages can get into trouble when people don’t recognize the need for BOTH, and are threatened by the opposite of what they are wanting at that given point.

Two people are unlikely to always be in synch with need variety and needing certainty. If one is looking for some certainty (sameness, predictability) and the other is looking for some variety (excitement, fresh, new), they can find themselves in a struggle. They will misunderstand and frustrate each other.

Which is the point of this podcast episode. Tune in below.

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“Is It All About Being The ‘Nice Guy/Gal’?” – NOPE

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 24, 2018

Many of my podcasts come from questions from listeners (if you have an idea for a podcast, email me here). And that is absolutely true this week. In fact, it is from an email I received.

The question was fair. So, I decided to respond for everyone to hear.

Here is the basic question: “Is your System really just about being the ‘nice guy’? If so, doesn’t that mean you get disrespected?” (I will read the email, minus identifying info, in the episode.)

So, yes, I do think being a nice person is a good start. But no, that is not the real point of my System. Being civil is a building block, a starting point.

Being a jerk is rarely a good start on rebuilding.

But the nice, that is just about being civil. Not a “push-over.” In fact, I believe having boundaries and setting them is critical. But so is having a high standard for yourself.

My whole System? Nope.

A good starting point? Absolutely. It always is.

But not if you just allow yourself to be walked on.

Listen to this episode for more details and explanation.

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“Can I Convince My Spouse To Stay?”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 17, 2018

I sometimes check to see what people might search on my website. It helps me to understand what difficulties people are having. And often, it helps me decide on podcast topics.

One phrase appears repeatedly in searches: “Can I convince my spouse to stay?” or “How can I convince my spouse to save our marriage?”

So, in this episode of my podcast, I answer that very question.

If you want the simple answer, here it is: “No.”

But there is a follow-up: “At least, not directly.”

If you want a bit more detail, please listen to the podcast for further details. I cover WHY you can’t convince a spouse, HOW that might be more damaging if you try, and WHAT to do instead (5 core things you need to be doing).

So, if you have been wondering how/if you can convince a spouse to save your marriage, let’s discuss it on this week’s podcast!

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The Power of Apology and Forgiving

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 10, 2018

Any intimate relationship is going to lead to some hurts along the way. It’s just impossible to be that close to someone and not bump into each other (and each other’s emotions) every now and then.

The question is what you do when the hurt hangs around. It lingers and lurks, eating away at the connection — unless it is released.

Which is where apologies and forgiving come in.

Each serves a purpose to clear the air.

But to be clear, they aren’t necessarily linked. You might apologize and not be forgiven. You might forgive even without an apology. Each comes from your choice.

Let’s talk about what’s behind each: the elements of an apology and the decision to forgive.

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“Why Does It Hurt So Much?”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 3, 2018

I recently took a phone call. The caller told me that the pain of her marital problems was horrible. She told me it was physically painful. She was truly hurting.

But she wasn’t sure why it was hurting so much.

Let’s be clear: a marital crisis is incredibly stressful, scary, and painful. It feels like everything you know is up in the air. Your life can feel like a train wreck.

During our discussion, I explained to the caller why it was so painful.

But I also explained the real danger of the pain: it can keep you from taking action. Kinda like touching a hot stove. You don’t want to do THAT again! Except that avoiding only makes things worse.

So, I also shared my thoughts on the need to switch from “Why” (“Why does it hurt?”) to “What” (“What do I do now?”)

I share my thoughts on why it hurts and what to do on this week’s podcast. Listen below.

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The Fantasy and Fallacy of Infidelity

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 27, 2017

Infidelity is powerful. And destructive.

It is also powered by fantasy. Oh, and did I mention the fallacy of infidelity?

We don’t have clear figures about infidelity. Estimates are that around 1/5th to 1/4th of people, male and female, commit infidelity. This estimate is based upon physical infidelity.

Emotional infidelity is much harder to track. Many people are unable to distinguish between

emotional infidelity and “good friend,” or “we just talk.” So, many commit emotional infidelity, but aren’t clear about it.

In this week’s podcast episode, I expose the fantasy and fallacy that fuels infidelity.

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5 MORE Myths of Marriage (That Can Get You Into Trouble Fast)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 20, 2017

In the last episode, I covered 5 myths of marriage that can get you into trouble. In this episode, I reveal 5 more. Equally dangerous.

Especially in your efforts to save your marriage.

The first set of myths were about the nature of marriage.

This set of myths are assumptions about what happens to a marriage in trouble.

If you or your spouse believe these myths, you might find yourself really struggling with any attempt to save your marriage.

Take a listen to these myths of marriage that may be hurting your efforts to save your marriage.

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5 Myths of Marriage (That Can Get You Into Trouble Fast)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 13, 2017

Myths aren’t just interesting stories. They are pieces of false information that can get us into trouble. Myths form false beliefs that can cause you to act in damaging ways. And there are quite a few myths around marriage.

Each myth can cause problems. But most people believe multiple myths, multiplying the mess.

Myths make assumptions and form ideas. If you believe the myth, the ideas make sense. And the actions based on those ideas make sense.

Except that the underlying assumptions are false.

Which means the actions are faulty.

But the damage is real.

If you know someone (or even belief it yourself) who thinks there is “THE One,” the one person destined to be your spouse — you already know one of these myths. And you may have discovered the damage done. If not, you may discover it down the road.

In this week’s podcast episode, I cover 5 myths. In the next episode, I will cover 5 more.

See if YOU believe any of these myths.

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The ARC of Saving Your Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 6, 2017

Since my book, Thrive Principles, came out, people have asked me why I shifted my focus from saving marriages to thriving. In reality, there is no shift. My System on saving a marriage is the same path to having a thriving marriage. In fact, my focus from the beginning was on how to have a thriving life in all areas of living — including in marriage.

Which means that there are many cross-over points between how we thrive and how we save a marriage.

In this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss three anchors of Thrive Principles that can help you address the issues in your marriage.

These three principles can help you save your marriage. Just remember the acronym, ARC.

Acceptance
Responsibility
Control

Use these three principles as you work to save your marriage.

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3 Ways You Diss Your Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 29, 2017

I am way too uncool to ever use “Diss” in a conversation.

That said, I will drop it into a headline, because I see too many couples “dissing” their relationship, without even meaning to.

Distraction, Disinterest, and Disconnection lead to Disrespect of your relationship.

And it often becomes habit, usually without you meaning to.

The bad news is, these 3 ways you “diss” a relationship eat away at the foundations.

The good news is that once you know what you are doing, you can change it. Even turn it around.

Learn how you are dissing your marriage, and how to stop in this week’s podcast.

disListen below.

RESOURCES:
Power of Connection
Marriage Crisis Mistakes to Avoid
Why Your Efforts May Be Failing
Save The Marriage System

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