Save Your Marriage Podcast – Page 35 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Two Modes Killing Your Marriage

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg March 29, 2017 March 24, 2017

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 29, 2017

Over and over, I see the same two “modes” killing marriages — all without intention or maliciousness.

The hurt and pain often lead to anger and resentment down the road. But it simply starts in innocence. Most people don’t even know they are operating in these modes.

You may be making this mistake (or have made this mistake) and dropped into one or both modes.

The first mode is “Pause-Mode,” thinking that you can hit pause while life moves forward. Parenting and career often are reasons to hit the pause button. But there is no Pause Button in marriage.

The second mode is “Me-Mode.” In marriage, you are building a WE. But if you don’t know that, and don’t know what that is, you are likely to get caught in Me-Mode, to the detriment of the marriage.

Both modes develop innocently. And either mode is capable of taking down a marriage. Don’t fall prey to these two modes.

Listen to this week’s podcast for more help.

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Why Protecting Yourself Won’t

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 22, 2017

Whenever I get the same questions over and over, I decide it is time to do a podcast. And this came up just a couple of days ago. The person on the other end of the phone call said, “Why should I even try? If I don’t save my marriage, it will just hurt more when I fail.”

The question that repeats is, “Why work on this when there is a chance it just can’t be saved?”

For this very reason, many people never even try to save a hurting marriage. Ironically, by not taking any action, they are almost guaranteed to lose the marriage. . . and feel hurt — what they said they were somehow avoiding.

Human nature is to avoid immediate pain — even at the expense of greater pain down the road. We tend to do some “anticipatory hurting,” imagining the pain we might feel later. And so, we avoid a course that takes us to that feared hurting.

The only problem is, this often causes suffering almost immediately.

I asked my caller a quick question, “Okay, if you don’t work to save your marriage, what will happen to your marriage.” She paused. Then she admitted, “It will definitely fail.”

“In other words,” I commented, “if you do nothing, you will lose the marriage and be in pain. If you work on it, you MAY be hurting if it doesn’t work. But you MIGHT recover your marriage.”

My caller is now a client of mine, hard at work, saving her marriage.

Don’t protect yourself in a way that guarantees the hurt. Why not give it a shot?

(Listen below for more understanding of why we do this. And if you are ready to work on your marriage, grab my Save The Marriage System HERE.)

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How To Deal With Negativity

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 15, 2017

It happens. In the middle of a marriage crisis, you can find yourself surrounded by negativity. A spouse negative about the marriage. Friends and family negative about your efforts to save your marriage. You negative, well, about everything you are doing (it is easy to slip into self-blame and self-doubt).

Negativity comes from several sources: fear, protectiveness, anger, resentment, lack of understanding, and lack of clarity.

Regardless of the source, you may find yourself reacting poorly — negatively impacting your capacity to save and improve your marriage.

Is there another alternative?

You bet there is!

I would suggest four ways to respond that can change the outcome. Listen to the podcast for the four ways you can respond differently to the negativity, making sure that you don’t catch it yourself. Listen below.

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Healing Your Spouse’s Resentments

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 8, 2017

In last week’s podcast, I discussed healing your own resentments. This week, we turn to dealing with your spouse’s resentments. Let’s be clear: really, this is about helping your spouse to heal resentments. You can’t actually do the healing. You can only help.

Once you address your own resentments, you know part of the secret: resentment comes from anger, unresolved. Anger comes from hurt, unresolved and unaddressed. Which leads us back to helping your spouse find healing — tracking back to anger, but really back to hurt.

If you want to reconnect, start with dealing with resentments. Otherwise, the hurt/anger/resentment continues to poison the relationship. It is the systemic infection that keeps the marriage hurting.

Ready to do what you can to deal with your spouse’s resentments? Listen below. . .

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Healing Your Resentments

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 1, 2017

Resentments are the deep infections of anger. When anger is unresolved, it becomes a systemic poison. But do remember that anger is really a result of hurt and fear/threat. It just comes out as anger.

When the hurt goes unaddressed and the anger festers, it becomes resentment. Resentment then spreads into more and more areas of relating. It pulls the relationship down, weakening the connection and destroying good feelings.

Your spouse may have lots of resentment toward you. We will be covering that next week. But we always start with ourselves. What about YOUR resentments? How do you heal YOUR resentments?

If you don’t start there, you won’t be effective in addressing your spouse’s resentments.

Join me for this week’s podcast, as we discuss healing your resentments. . .

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Action versus Distraction

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 22, 2017

A while back, I was talking with someone who was struggling with his marriage. I made a couple of suggestions. He pushed back. He said, “It’s not like I’m not doing anything!”

“Great,” I said, “Tell me what you are doing.”

“I’ve read some articles and stuff. I did some research. . . ”

He continued on for a few minutes. But I quickly realized my friend had made a crucial mistake. He had confused distraction with action. He was worried about his marriage, sure. But he was distracted. His distraction was confused with action.

Nothing was happening.

When we talked again, a few months later, his wife had left. He told me he “did everything he could.”

I asked what that was. I suspected. I was right. He spent the time in distraction. In the end, there was no action.

Are you making the same mistake?

I discuss the distractions — and the actions — in this week’s podcast.

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Fooling Ourselves. . .

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 15, 2017

We don’t mean to, but we do. We fool ourselves. Yep, humans can be dishonest with others, but we can also be dishonest with ourselves. In fact, we do it every day.

It’s bad enough we can be dishonest with others. But ourselves? Yep. And it can sure get in the way of saving your marriage.

Usually, when we are fooling ourselves, we relieve ourselves of responsibility. And if it isn’t our responsibility, what can we do? (Or so we tell ourselves.)

Let’s talk about several ways we are dishonest with ourselves. . . and how to change that!

HELPFUL RESOURCES:
Why to Save a Marriage
You Need a Plan
Save The Marriage System

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Caught In Control

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 8, 2017

Pretty much every day, I hear from someone telling me about a controlling marriage situation. Either they are controlling or they are being controlled. Either way, the underlying dynamics are the same.

Control is a hallmark of dysfunctional relationships. It takes two to play the game, though — the controller and the controlled.

This week, I highlight this particular dysfunction and provide a way through, whether you are controlling or being controlled.

Is your marriage caught in control? Are you ready to break the pattern and find a healthy way of relating? Listen to this week’s podcast for help.

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Feeling Like Quitting?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 1, 2017

Feeling like quitting is not the same as making a decision to quit. One is an emotional response to the struggle. The other is a rational decision. Unless, of course, you confuse the two.

It is true in all of life. We can feel like quitting a job, quitting an exercise session, quitting a hobbie, quitting parenting. . . well, that might be tough! But you get my meaning. You can feel like quitting. That doesn’t mean you quit.

When you choose to quit, it is just that — a deliberate decision, made for the right reason. In fact, I think one of the reasons we have such a marriage crisis in society is because too many people confuse the feeling of wanting to quit with the need to take action, to quit.

On a long trail race, I think I felt like quitting from mile 10 to mile 25.5. The last mile, I was good. But up until then, that was the running dialogue, “I could quit. I could stop right now. I could just quit. I could walk away.” Granted, I was in the middle of nowhere, and it would have been a long hike just to quit. But I could have. Had I chosen to (versus thinking about it, but taking no action — other than continuing to put one foot in front of the other).

In this week’s podcast, I cover the difference between feeling like quitting and choosing to quit (including some advice on what to do if you choose to quit).

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…Yet

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 25, 2017

Yet The phone rings. I answer. The person on the other end blurts, “I CAN’T SAVE MY MARRIAGE!” And as calmly as possible, I add “Yet.”

Uh?

“I can’t save my marriage YET.”

Uh?

Many times, people contact me to tell me their marriage can’t be saved. But I am not quite so sure. It IS possible the person is right. Not every marriage can be saved. Before deciding that, though, I want to know more.

Is the person at a “failpoint?”

Does the person have the tools and knowledge needed?

Has the person actually taken action?

Has the action been useful and consistent?

This week, I will tell you why “Yet” is one of my favorite words. It is powerful. If you know why.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Failpoints
You Need A Plan
You Are Stalled
Save The Marriage System

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