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Surviving Disconnection

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg November 22, 2017 November 7, 2017

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 22, 2017

Survival has been the theme for the last few weeks. Not just surviving, but overcoming and thriving. We’ve covered separation, infidelity, conflict, the “Golden Hour,” mistakes, and Empty Nest/Mid Life Crisis. This week, we end the series on surviving as we turn our attention to disconnection.

Really, in many ways, disconnection is the underlying issue. It leads to separation and infidelity. It amplifies conflict. It precipitates the crisis. It contributes to the mistakes. And an empty nest/midlife is a marriage crisis because of the disconnection.

Which makes it so important to cover this week.

If you want to resolve a marriage crisis, you have to survive the disconnection — and create renewed connection.

Connection is the lifeblood of a relationship, and especially a marriage. As the connection goes, so goes the relationship — unless you solve the disconnection.

Let’s talk about why the disconnection is such an issue and how to solve it.

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Surviving Empty Nest and MidLife

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 15, 2017

If you followed the common pattern, you got married and some short time later, you had a child. And perhaps another (or a few). You likely went from “spouse” to “parent” in a fairly short amount of time.

The years fly by (I know — mine are both in their 20’s and out of the house). You blink and they are leaving.

You blink again, and you realize you and your spouse are faced with an empty nest. And maybe at the same time, a mid life crisis. In fact, sometimes, they are intertwined. The role you held is disappearing. While you will always be concerned about and care for your kids, they might not want so much “parenting.”

What happens now?

For many, this is the beginning of a marriage crisis. In reality, the crisis was long brewing underneath the surface. Timing now conspires to bring empty nest, mid life crisis, and marriage crisis to the forefront.

How do you survive?

Can you thrive?

You WILL survive. And you CAN thrive.

Let’s talk about how in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast episode.

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Surviving Mistakes and Backslides

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 8, 2017

It happens. You are trying to save your marriage and. . . you make a mistake. You violate your own plan.

And things take a slide backwards.

Maybe you aren’t even sure if it is possible to get back on-track.

Most of the time, the answer is “absolutely.”

This week, I cover how to recover from a mistake, how to stop the backsliding, and how to start moving forward again.

If you violated one of my 5 Things To Avoid Doing, maybe even before you knew about them (and even after you learned about them), you can still recover and start moving forward.

If you decided to eat better. . . then you hit the dessert buffet, what do you do? Toss in your plan? Or get going on your plan? Same here.

But let’s talk about how to not just survive the mistakes, but get going again. Listen below.

Survive Series:
Surviving Separation
Surviving Conflict
Surviving the Golden Hour

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Surviving the “Golden Hour”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 1, 2017

In situations of traumatic injury, first responders refer to the “Golden Hour” as the first hour (or less) after injury where proper medical care leads to the best chance of survival.

I ran into the concept in first aid training as a teenager. But I saw it in action when I was a hospital chaplain at the beginning of my career. Severe injuries with quick response often survived, when lesser injuries that were not so quickly addressed led to higher mortality.

Guess what?

It also applies to a marriage crisis.

Except it isn’t really an hour. It might be days or weeks. But what matters is how you respond in that early crisis time.

In this week’s podcast, we look at the best ways to survive that Golden Hour with the greatest change of marital survival (and thriving).

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Surviving Conflict

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 25, 2017

During the last couple of weeks, we’ve been talking “survival.” First, I talked surviving separation. Then, last week, I covered surviving infidelity.

This week, I cover surviving conflict.

Conflict can slowly eat away at the connection of a relationship. The more fights and arguments you have — especially when no progress or resolution is found — the weaker the connection becomes.

For many, conflict has become habitual. And some believe that the conflict is “just our way of communicating.” But it is caustic and hurtful.

So, how DO you survive conflict? Learn to face it differently. Learn to do it differently. And learn how to turn the useless sparring into useful progress.

Listen for more in this week’s podcast.

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Surviving Infidelity

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 18, 2017

Last week, I shared a podcast on Surviving Separation. I heard back from some folks who asked, “what about surviving an affair?”

I thought it was a fair question.

So this week, I discuss how to survive an affair. If you are interested, I have an entire book dedicated to Recovering From The Affair. This podcast is not so much about recovering as surviving — living through it, so that you can get to the point that you CAN recover.

Before you can heal, you have to stop the bleeding.

And let’s be very clear: infidelity is very tough on a relationship.

But not insurmountable.

In the podcast, I cover some basics about infidelity and the pain caused by an affair. (Along with a quick coverage of the root causes of infidelity.)

Then we talk first aid. I discuss 4 parts of a process to get you going.

So that you can survive infidelity.

Listen below for more.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Affair Recovery Resources
Recovering From The Affair book

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Surviving Separation

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 11, 2017

If you have listened long to my podcasts, you probably know that I am not big on separations. In fact, unless there is some physical risk, I discourage separations. I think they run counter to working on a relationship.

But. . . sometimes, a separation is unavoidable.

So, how do you survive a separation, especially if you didn’t want the separation (or if you did, and now see it was a mistake)?

I’ll tell you the reasons why I don’t like separations. There are 3 reasons.

There are some tasks that need to happen, both on individual and couple levels, during the separation. You can take on 3 tasks for yourself.

Listen in to the podcast for how to survive a separation.

RESOURCES ON SEPARATION:
Separation Podcast
Separation Article
No Chasing

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Confession — I have to admit to this. . .

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 4, 2017

Every now and then, I get an angry email or phone call. But this one. . .

He started out nice enough: “Are you the guy that has that save your marriage system online?”

“Yes. Can I help you?”

“So,” he continued, “you are the one who claims to have helped people around the world?”

I noticed his voice was a bit more. . . pressured. . . angry.

“Umm. Yes, that would be me.”

“Well,” his voice was just below a yell, “I bet you have never saved a marriage in your life! I bet you haven’t even saved one single marriage in your life!”

We “chatted” for a bit longer. But he was convinced. . . I was a fake, a fraud.

I thought about it for a bit.

And I decided I needed to make a confession. I can’t live with myself anymore. I do have to admit to this. So, I just decided to record it. Just so I am clear with everyone.

Listen to my confession below.

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Doing The Right Thing vs. Doing It Right

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 27, 2017

Today, I tackle a pretty sensitive subject: the difference between “Doing The Right Thing” and “Doing It Right.”

Let me be very clear: I believe that working to save your marriage is heroic work. It is pretty counter-cultural in our world of “throw away.” We do it with stuff and relationships. And “No Fault Divorce” (better called “Unilateral Divorce”) has made it simple. Or at least it has been made to seem simple.

I also believe that working on saving a marriage is courageous. It’s pretty scary to be in the middle of a crisis, and to CHOOSE to work on the relationship. That is the definition of courage — feeling fear, and choosing to act, anyway.

Sometimes, I watch people who want to do the right thing, but they don’t do it the right way. “No Contact Rule,” Reverse Psychology, hypnosis, spells. . . you name it, I see people try it.

And I watch their efforts fail. Their desire to change things is absolutely there. But the approach is in trouble. It kind of reminds me of deciding to diet, then choosing an ice-cream diet. Probably not going to get the results you want (although it does sound delicious).

Starting with the best of intentions is a great beginning point. But it has to be followed with an approach that works.

Let’s talk about Doing The Right Thing, AND Doing It The Right Way.

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Desire Versus Decide

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 20, 2017

“I just don’t feel it,” two people told me this week. One didn’t feel like following the plan to save their marriage. The other didn’t feel it for the spouse. One wanted to save the marriage. The other didn’t. Both were motivated by desire (or lack of desire).

Here’s the problem: desire is fickle. To say the least. Even in a strong marriage, desire for each other can ebb and flow. And even the best of us struggle with the desire to do things: exercise, eat well, clean the house, go to work, etc., etc., etc.

Which is the problem with letting “desire” be the measurement of taking action.

Is there another way?

Glad you asked! Yes there is.

It’s a word I particularly like. Decide.

“Desire” is based in an emotional state. “Decide” is a rational choice. It supercedes an emotional state. And it generally is the only reliable way we make progress in any area of life. If I wait for desire, the chances over time of desire showing up — they just keep going down. If I decide to act, I take back full responsibility for my actions.

Has desire been your motivation and measurement (or lack of motivation and measurement)? If so, let’s discuss the alternative.

RELATED RESOURCE
Go Pro
Have A Plan
Why It Matters
System To Follow

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